NEWSLETTER: "YOUR DOMINOS PIZZA ORDER HAS BEEN SHOVED UP THE DRIVER'S ARSE"
This Week:
* FESSHOLE LIVE - Buy tickets NOW!
* SHEEP - the return of the top b3tan animator
* BUFFY'S SWEARING KEYBOARD - now on iPhones
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting up
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | everything we've ever
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| touched ... together"
B3ta email 804 - 28 Jan 2022
Read this issue to your dead dog you cunt:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue804
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making bad pun in people's mentions
* THE RETURN OF SHEEP FILMS - Sheep writes,
"So after a break of 8 years, I've finally
made another short film 'just like I used to'.
No deep meaning or message here, I just wanted
to make something fun to get me out of the
house; looking a bit silly in public was an
added bonus."
https://b3ta.com/links/Walkies_Day
* FESSHOLE LIVE! TICKETS - Coz we've lost our
tiny minds, we've booked a place in Soho and
shoved some tickets on sale so you can come
and see your editor, Rob Manuel, attempt to
find a way of turning a sordid Twitter account
into a show. It's April 9th, a Saturday night,
so once you've confessed you can nip down one
of the dodgier streets and do something.
https://www.tickettext.co.uk/bihGv6MRcr
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: FROM THE ARCHIVES
Buffy's Swearing Keyboard now on MOBILE
Last week we mentioned we'd brought back
everyone's favourite bit of Xylophone Buggery
and said it doesn't really work on mobile.
Well our tech guy Wil Hadden has been working
hard and we can promise it now works on *some*
mobiles. Works on our iPhone anyway, once you
tap the keyboard a few times to make the
onscreen Apple keyboard pop up. Your trips to
the pub will never be the same again.
https://www2.b3ta.com/buffyswear/
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: HEBTRO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely trousers
Would you like some nice threads on your legs?
Would you like them to last a long time and be
made in the UK by people who are paid properly
for their work? Well you're in luck because
the B3ta newsletter is sponsored by those
lovely peeps at Hebtro who'll kit you out and
make you look as stylish as one of those
middle-aged hipster dudes with sexy grey
beards.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap likes
Each week you wank into a bucket and we fish
out the meatier chunks for internet lols.
* WANK FROM HOME - "Since working from home in
the spare bedroom I've taken to loudly playing
anodyne project call recordings from Youtube
so my wife doesn't interrupt me painting my
Warhammer. I punctuate my silence with
occasional remarks about agreeing with Derek."
* PRINTER JAM - "There's a wifi connected
printer somewhere near my shop. It's not
password protected and I've been sending
pictures of big penises to it for ages. Just
found out it's the printer in the funeral
parlour next door. Sorry."
* FOOTYBAL - "I'm a picture framer. I have a
friend who's a particularly obnoxious Man U
fan. When he asked me to frame several large
prints of his wife and family, I hid photos of
Jürgen Klopp inside the frames. It's the
little victories."
Join the 286k people who need their maths
co-processor inspected by Sue Gray.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff made by people who don't accept our DMs
* HAXOTWATS - There was a bit of a race
amongst devs to make a hexagonal profile image
generator so that you can pretend to people on
Twitter that you have blown your money on an
ethically dubious jpg. This one has slightly
better UX than the others.
https://nft-crop.glitch.me
* INFLUENCER PARODY - this video nails the
novelty influencer account experience so
wholly, we're closing down Fesshole and going
to take up shitting in public instead.
https://twitter.com/heaberald/status/1372014654390...
* "I HOPE THIS EMAIL FINDS YOU WELL" - gothic
parody account that does this joke well.
https://twitter.com/theemailfoundme/status/1486670...
* INDIE WEB - This search engine is trying to
bring back the indie web by filtering out
everything commercial from its database. I'm
not sure what their algorithm is doing to
detect such sites, but I guess not indexing
any site that uses trackers would be a good
start to finding the web1 gold.
https://search.marginalia.nu/explore/random
* CHESS MADNESS - webpage that frantically
plays chess against itself, hover to change
board size then click to restart
https://v21.io/chess.html
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: FRIDAY GAME
Double Wordle remix
Wordle remixes continue to trundle on and this
week included ones where the word is always
horse, one based on guessing a complex
password, lewd words, hidden letters, airport
codes and a conversion to the BBC Micro. This
one, in which you must play two games at once,
is my favourite, as it requires some
experimenting with new tactics.
https://zaratustra.itch.io/dordle
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* MONKEON'S JOHN PEEL THINGIE DID WELL - he
told us, "Yeah, seems to be doing well. The
indie kid in me is pleased to see a RT from
Pete Wylie and Helen Love call it nice."
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/johnpeelroulette/
* MATT ROUND'S RIVAL NEWSLETTER PROJECT IS
GOING GREAT GUNS - he tells us, "When I put
this live I thought 'well, if 100-200 people
sign up I can give it a try'. It just passed
1,000 subscribers." Gah, you're all traitors.
https://vole.wtf/vmail/
* ED JEFF'S LETTERLE DID WELL - Matt Round
tells us, "if you want to do an update bit,
ask Ed about letterle, noticed he's been
saying there are loads of repeat players & I
think he said it's had hundreds of thousands
of visits." Nope, too lazy to ask Ed directly
but thanks Matt.
https://edjefferson.com/letterle/
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: YOUR ANONYMOUS OPINIONS
Posted anonymously
We don't often bother rounding up the latest
from @anon_opin as we're never quite sure how
well it works in isolation, and it's better as
a thing for people to row about. But this
week, fuck it, fill your boot:
* GOOD IDEA - "People that work in customer
service should be given one day a year where
they can say what they want to idiotic, rude,
stupid customers. Kind of like The Purge but
with less killing and more telling them to
fuck off."
* BETTER IDEA - "Drive through restaurants
should print the number plate of the cars on
the packaging so if someone litters it can be
traced back to the car/owner."
* MAKE YOU THUNK - "People who complain that
they 'had to' move back in with their parents
because of some life event, are appalling. A
lot of us don't have that safety net, if we
fuck up, we're homeless. Eating a daily meal
with 2 people who love you is not some great
hardship, you ungrateful twat."
If this is your shitty bag, then please can
you remove it, it's clogging up reception and
attracting rodents:
https://twitter.com/anon_opin
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: THIS WEEK IN IMAGES
Your best Corel Draw lols posted on AOL online
* Eclectech has shaken Boris to his very core
and now everything will be fine
https://b3ta.com/board/11359888
* Ning has mashed up Jane Eyrewolf
https://b3ta.com/board/11359751
* Bod- has taken on Sue Gray
https://b3ta.com/board/11359856
And in other news we've got a challenge up
about cakes.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/confectionarytraps/popu...
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: THINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE NEXT WEEK
Some ideas to start you off
* KICK THE POLITICAL FOOTBALL INTO THE LONG
GRASS - the new interactive game from the
ghost of UsVsTh3m
* CHEESE OR CHRIST - this is mostly fun to say
but it could be a quiz, or some shit AI thing
that you show photos to
Rub your internet vagina up and down our inbox
penis:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit,
Adam Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine
McAllister, Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig
Tonks, Damien Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown,
Dave Nattriss, Dave Tickle, David Ault, David
Catley, David Gardiner, David King, David
Mills, Derek Law, Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay,
Eric von Borstel, Faith H. Martin, Fiona
James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor Clarkson, Gia
Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus Nicol, Iain,
Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton,
Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly,
James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams,
Konrad Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin
Holloway, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt
Buchanan, Matt Drewry, Matthew Collinge,
Matthew Forman, Matthew Morris, Matthew
Wilkes, midnightrambler, mil jamieson, Neil de
Carteret, Nick Ross, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver
bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul Smith, Paul
Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter Coombe, peter
wouda, Philip Kinchington, pookong, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent,
Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, RossOverThere,
Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, sean casely,
Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall,
Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, Steve
Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher,
Wil Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash
Hazlewood, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat,
Chris Gough, Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner,
Daniel Chote, Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff
Tidey, Geoffrey Balme, Graham Licence, James
Macinnes, John Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick
Curtis, Rhys Wynne, Rob Affleck, Chris
Saunders, George Preston, James O'Malley,
Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, Bex Cook,
Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, Shane
McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin
Tommey, Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete,
Carl Mesner Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes,
Jan Spielhoff, Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan,
Tom Freke, Sam Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam
Beardwood, David Stark, Julie Brumlik,
Alastair Dodd, Alexandre Strube, Andrew
Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor Parslow, Craig
Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan STrickland,
Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph Mulvaney,
Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul Topping,
peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient Meatbag,
Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark Benson,
Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, Russ
Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren
John Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David
Bond, David Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne,
Emma Nicol, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn
Fisher, Hugh Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya
olak-Anti, Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John
M, Jon Bounds, Lee Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay,
Marc Lindberg, mark madgwick, Matt Carr,
Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick,
Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, Paul Slade,
Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel Tougas, Richard
Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Robert Purkis,
Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, Seirian
Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen
McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John
Griffiths, Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya
Kant, Victoria Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline
Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image
challenge help; and Dr Dunno for extra
support. Proofing by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST -
special love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart.
NEW NEWSEST - extra love love love to si
Jobling & Daniel Calvin. And bonus new love to
Douglas Pennant, Roy Santos & Will Thompson.
We love you. OH GOD, and more bonus love to
Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil McGuire & Paul
Blanchard - you sexy people. And Mike Powell
and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and PJ. Ooooh
and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank
you to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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Why did Her Majesty go to the dentist?
Because she didn't 'queen' her teeth (claptonista)
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/
