NEWSLETTER: "YOUR SHITTY WEB LOL UPDATES FROM A SINKING ISLAND"
This Week:
* TOY - Swearclock as talking web app
* VOTE - Decide your new PM using shitty clicks
* BUY A TICK - We're undercutting Elon!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're verifying
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | the verified toots
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 837 - 11 Nov 2022
Read this issue to your poor, confused mother
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue837
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making the authorities suspicious
* SWEARCLOCK WEB APP - Five years ago we brought
you the MySpace sensation 'Swearclock' and yeah,
now the colab you've all been waiting for is now
here, as Monkeon & your editor have put their
heads together to bring you a talking
@swearclock that swears in your browser.
https://b3ta.com/swearclock/
* VOTE FOR YOUR NEW PRIME MINISTER - we've only
had three this year, it's time to vote for your
fourth.
https://www.jimmeruk.com/pmbattle/
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: JERRY SADOWITZ LIVE GIG AT THE APOLLO
Sponsored link
After getting kicked out of the Fringe for
making the mistake of thinking it was a forum
for jokes, legendary comic Sadowitz is playing
the Apollo in London on Nov 15th. Tickets cost
between £35 and £55 and he wants B3tans to come,
with their minds open for laughs.
https://bit.ly/SadowitzApollo
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up for cheap likes
Each week we ask you to confess stuff, and we
throw it out there to sink or swim in an
internet Witch test:
* WIFE - "My wife is so controlling and gets
seriously annoyed if I even get a text from a
female work colleague, accusing me of all sorts.
However, she's happy for me to see my male
friends, primarily because she doesn't know I'm
fucking one of them."
* PENIS - "I always used to hold my husband's
penis and sing into it like a microphone to make
him laugh. He passed away a month ago and I
can't share this memory with anyone."
* DUBLIN- "Met a girl in a bar in Dublin. Went
outside in the alley to get it on. She thought
it was 'hot' that I wasn't wearing underwear.
Didn't have the heart to tell her I'd discarded
my pants when I shat them in a farting
competition 30 minutes previously."
Join the 667,000 people who should know better -
honestly it's quite annoying that Elon is
blowing Twitter up, our numbers are doing great.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Buy the book:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/18041903...
Fuck it, read an interview with the Mirror
newspaper where we probably tell too much truth,
so hang the consequences.
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/meet-man-...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Christmas means durable stocking fillers
It's coming up to Christmas, so it's time to buy
the men in your life some durable jeans and
shirts so they look swish for the new year. Buy
lots of them too so that Hebtro don't think it's
a bad idea to keep sponsoring this terrible
newsletter.
https://hebtro.co/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Web User magazine's links from next month
* OLD GAME LOLS - The ancient computer game The
Oregon Trail became a meme for the amusingly
bleak death screen in which you die of
dysentery. This remake reimagines a world where
you don't die of it, but you do keep shitting
your breeches.
https://woe-industries.itch.io/you-have-not-died-o...
* LETTUCE BE - Lettuce cams seem to have
replaced the Is-X-Dead-Yet format. In this
case, there's no http://istwitterdeadyet.com,
but you can see if Foone's lettuce has outlived
Elon Musk's outstanding speed-running of Twitter
into the ground.
https://lettuce.wtf
* THE IMPERMANENCE OF IMAGE - This site shows
pictures which get increasingly decayed every
time someone visits the page. It was recognisable
when we found it a few days back, but is now
becoming abstract noise... lost in time, like
tears in the rain.
https://crowd-jpeg.vercel.app
* ARE YOU PRESS WORTHY? This interactive
calculates how much press you'd get should you
go missing: spoiler, being young, white and
female is how to "win" at this game. Someone
should do a UK version of this, although we
doubt it would come out *that* much different.
https://areyoupressworthy.com/
* BUBBLES - A delightful little physics sim. Now
make a spunk bubble one please, boffins.
https://oimo.io/works/bubbles/
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: BUY A TICK!
Yes, our ticks are cheaper than Elon's
Thought we'd offer up a tick by your name on
B3ta, just like Elon is offering but cheaper, as
you can pay what you like, via donation. (Thank
you Wil for helping on this.)
https://b3ta.com/features/appeal/
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: BEST IMAGES THIS WEEK
All the good "jokes" from /board
* A British politics joke from Octo
https://b3ta.com/board/11381149
* An Elon Musk joke from Monkeon
https://b3ta.com/board/11381043
* A Google joke from Plankton
https://b3ta.com/board/11381088
If you like making obscure "jokes" in Paint Shop
Pro, boy do we have the messageboard for you:
https://b3ta.com/board/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas you know?
* BULLET LIST - We've invented a verbal game to
play with a friend. You have 6 bullets and a
month to live. Who do you kill? No replies coz
planning murders on the internet will get us all
jailed, but it's a fun pub chat, or a podcast
that would struggle with sponsorship.
* ELON MUSK GETTING PUBLICLY OWNED - there's so
much funny stuff at the moment. Hope someone is
logging it all.
* CALCULATOR WORDS - you know how you can write
BOOBIES? Write some code that calculates every
possible rude phrase and splits them out in a
calculator style font.
Tell us about your "special" projects:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You’re welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: I'M SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Woodkovsky is here to say soz
What does a bee take in the bathroom?
Apis
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
