NEWSLETTER: "CAMPAIGNING TO RENAME CUDDLING AS 'DOING THE HUMAN SPOONIPEDE' SINCE 2001"
This Week:
* READ THIS - pop star who sang about plastic bags
* FILM - fly over Wales in a drone
* FESSHOLE - best of and last chance for tickets
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're replacing Twitter
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | API with a child shouting
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| about ham... together"
B3ta email 847 - 03 Feb 2023
Read this on Crimewatch, don't have nightmares:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue847
Subscribe: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their parents ashamed
* LET'S BE AN AMUSINGLY FLAWED POP STAR -
Michael M has produced an enjoyable read about
how he blew his chances of being a proper pop
star and said "wrote a wee story about some of
my mortifying experiences playing live radio
sessions for legends like Vic Galloway and Marc
Riley, including the time my old band went on
BBC radio and tried to play Katy Perry's
'Firework' but changed all the lyrics so it was
just about a plastic bag."
https://michaelmphysics.medium.com/do-you-ever-fee...
* LET'S FLY A DRONE OVER WALES - The wonderfully
named Snorty McBumhole writes, "I bought a drone
and made a thing because Wales is fucking
beautiful. I know it's nothing flashy or funny,
but I done made a thing that celebrates the
lovely land of the sheep." Next week: the
version from Matt Round where you can drop
breeze blocks.
http://b3ta.com/links/1599242
* LET'S REMIND YOU OF DEATH, EVERY MORNING -
TDDAC writes, "Hi, just wanted to introduce the
Doomsday Alarm Clock an IOS alarm app that's
guaranteed to keep you up. Simply choose an
apocalyptic scenario (like global warming or
super volcanic eruption) and prepare to be woken
up by bone-chilling facts about how the world
might end." Thanks, this has cheered us right
up.
https://www.doomsdayalarmclock.com/
* LET'S SLAG OFF THE SUPPORT ACT - we rarely
remember to big up Fesshole's older and less
successful brother but this particular opinion
really pissed people off - it got nearly 1,000
quote tweets from people who were very keen to
disagree with it. A lesson in why the media is
often so crap really, negative engagement added
a thousand or so followers. Still, Elon's
Twitter API fuckery might mean that this was the
final high point for this bot. So remember her
this way.
https://twitter.com/anon_opin/status/1618985944069...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on, buy some lovely clothes for bodies
Hebtro make clothes, and if you wear them it'll
protect you from being damp or cold, which is a
good thing, as being nude in the British climate
can lead to misery. So simply give Hebtro some
of your money, and all your lifestyle problems
will be solved in hardwearing fashion.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions sicked up as content
Each week you shout your lies into a bin and we
share a few for lols:
* FOOTY DAD - "Played FIFA with my 12yo son. He
beat me 12-1. Was fuming, so for the last few
weeks I've been secretly practising after he's
gone to bed. Just had a rematch. Lost 14-0."
* NEW LABOUR - "When my son was small and
mischievous I would often threaten to ring Tony
Blair in an attempt to rein him in; he would get
upset and beg me not to. He's now 17 y/o
politics student and a staunch Conservative. I
think I accidentally turned him Tory."
* ACABRADABRA - "My former neighbours came
straight from hell. Partying 3/4 times a week,
with a lot of booze and drugs. Their oldest son
was dealing drugs as well. We couldn't take it
anymore, and put the house up for sale. There
were multiple people interested, so we chose the
policeman."
Join the 874k people who should have blocked
this:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Buy the book, it's only £6.49 and the paper is
very absorbent if your discreet incontinence
pads have run out.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
And, of course, come to the live confessions
night in Leicester, there are 232 tickets sold
at time of going to press with a few still up
for grabs. So get in now, you lovely people.
https://comedy-festival.co.uk/event/fesshole-live/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
This week's nerd projects for the jocks to ridicule
* COMEDY NERDS CLICK HERE - the story behind the
flash frames in The Young Ones is an
stupendously deep comedy dive from the guy who
we seem to link to every week now.
https://www.dirtyfeed.org/2023/01/freeze-frame-par...
* AI CAN REPLACE CATS? - The only good AI
projects are those taking the piss out of AI's
shiteness. This imagines what if ChatGPT were a
cat, with a name that's less cat-like to French
speakers.
https://catgpt.wvd.io
* ENDLESS SEINFELD AI GENERATOR - oddly
compelling AI comedy that's partly great coz
it's nonsense and partly great because of all
the frantic comments on Twitch.
https://www.twitch.tv/watchmeforever
* BUY YOUR OWN CARGO SHIP - You can buy anything
on Aliexpress, including chunking down half a
million on your own cargo ship. Can one of the
rich YouTube dickheads book one please? And then
drown?
https://www.aliexpress.com/item/1005004203320279.h...
* FLOPPY DISK MUSEUM - in a meta move, The
Museum of Obsolete Media is hosting their Floppy
Disk collection from a 3.5' floppy disk server.
Presumably this will get slashdotted quite
easily, but a nice retro browse-around when it
is up and running.
http://floppy.museum
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: FRIDAY GAME(S)
Your Gameboy replacement service dot html
* BACK SCRATCHER 2000 PRO - an enjoyably daft
idea for a two player game, in which one player
balances the keyboard on their back and guides
the other to where they need scratching. I have
not played this properly, but can only imagine
it's incredibly socially awkward to actually
play, and so best left to sex people like Toyah
and Robert.
https://ludipe.itch.io/back-scratching-simulator-2...
* MANIC DESTRUCTION - we rarely link to
non-browser games but we're making an exception
for this version of Manic Miner combined with a
destruction physics engine that produces a
series of puzzles that's genuinely a novel
challenge. Worth the cheapo download anyway.
https://stephensmith.itch.io/manic-destruction
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* AUSTRALIAN CHRISTMAS IN THE UK - on learning
that Australia has an extra Christmas in summer,
we demand an extra Christmas in Britain, on June
25th, where we all fire up a barbie and listen
to some Kylie. Bouncer's dream optional.
* QUID SWEAR APP - some kinda swear randomiser
that makes swears by lining up pound coins so
you can read swears along the edge. "Piss off"
is possible anyway.
* SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU ALL FEEL BETTER ABOUT
BEING OLD - "You're 49, you've still got 13
years to write your Lord Of The Rings"
Send your projects to the Magic Donkey, he's not
in the knackers' yard yet:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
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EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"I have a 10-year-old talking parrot. I bought
him for company, but we don't get on. He spends
all day shitting on my expensive glass coffee
table and telling the smart speaker to play
Billy Joel because he knows it annoys me."
