NEWSLETTER: "CONGRATS TO EVERY B3TA READER MOVING UP ONE PLACE IN 'WORLD'S GREATEST LIVING SONGWRITER' LIST"
* TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY - hooray for Undead Ted
* DOCTOR WHO - prop mobile phones investigated
* IMAGE CHALLENGE: it's 'balloons' at last
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | 'pip-pip pooray!'
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| ... together"
B3ta email 848 - 10th Feb 2023
Read this issue to a bamboozled Bono from U2:
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their vets worried
* DOCTOR WHO VS THE MOBILE PHONES OF TERROR -
Terence Eden has been given a load of old mobile
phones that were used as props on Doctor Who,
and has been having a big nosey around the files
that were left on them. An enjoyably obscure
dive for fans, and thankfully he's not yet been
Barrowman-rolled with an unexpected cock shot.
* A B3TAN SUCCESS STORY! This week it's
congratulations to Ten years of Undead Teds.
NobbyNobody writes, "Thank you B3ta. Some time
ago, while in a very bad place having lost my
job, I mutilated a teddy bear and showed it to
my friends on B3ta. 'Shut up and take my money'
was the general response. So I did. And Rob put
it in the newsletter. And now it'd been my full
time job for 10 YEARS So thank you B3ta and
thank you Rob. You're all lovely people." Yay,
hopefully ten years from now we'll report our
second success story.
* GO OUT AND SEE ART - Resident B3ta artist
Chris Barker writes, "Thursday 16th March People
in or around London. Literally the only Art of
Light Entertainment prints I will be signing.
COME ALONG! There will be drinks, nibbles and
entertainment - and prints." Your editor will
probably be popping down as he's contractually
obligated to support Chris's nonsense.
BTW: A little birdy tells us that our other
favourite Chris, that is Chris Shaw, is planning
a Beatles / Eggpod live event. We're petitioning
for it to be called Eggstock and for our Hells
Angels mates to supply security. Watch this
* READ SOME OLD SHITTY TABLOIDS - TimChuma
writes, "Using the newspaper reading room for
its true purpose, to annoy people on social
media. The Truth Newspaper was a scandal rag
printed as cheap filled in between the racing
form guide. These days the Herald Sun prints
worse stories but this used to be the proper
gutter press in Melbourne."
: READER'S LETTERS
We've dipped our penis into your email sack for
* FAN MAIL - Hulamonster writes, "Every week I
read to the bottom of your newsletter to see my
name. Not because I’m so proud to throw you a
measly couple of bucks a month but because the
donor listed before me is simply 'Harry.' I
love seeing our names next to each other because
I miss my Dad, Harry Semanchuk. He died in 1998
but I know he would laugh at your silly shit as
much as I do."
* CAN YOU HELP? - jjwharris1989 writes, "Hello,
around 2006/7 my Ipod 4th Gen was stolen at a
party. It was quite good as it had a flaccid to
erect battery icon/animation. I think I found
the modification in a b3ta newsletter, but I've
tried googling for the newsletter and can't find
it. Do you remember this? Does anyone still have
it?!" Nope no fucking idea. Readers?
You'll probably want the mail link for this.
Please don't just reply to the newsletter as it
gets lost in all the out-of-office replies we
get, and so we miss your offers of sex and money
for newsletter shout outs. Use the form, Luke.
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on, buy some lovely clothes for bodies
Brrr! All this cold weather and you're all still
wearing shorts like it's the middle of summer.
Help is at hand from Hebtro who make sturdy
winter clothes, built to last, and will stop
your leggies getting all chilly. Made in the UK
too, which means they won't get stuck in customs
like that pound of cocaine you just ordered.
Your confessions turned into throwaway content
Each week you vomit your truth and lies into a
big Google bin and we pick out some meaty chunks
then ask the internet to click 'like' so that a
few count registers go up in the cloud
* TOUCHING MEMORIES - "24 years ago, aged 18, I
walked in on dad licking mum out - after I'd
been on a night out. Mum brought a cup of tea
the next morning and asked how my night was.
Told her I didn't remember getting home to save
embarrassment. Still haunted to this day. Awful
memory to have."
* UNCLE OF THE YEAR - "I taught my niece to say
'I need to curl one out' when she needs a poo.
My sister was not impressed when her nursery
spoke to her about her daughter shouting she
needs to curl one out and teaching other kids."
* PROJECTILE MUCUS - "Early morning on a train.
Homeless bloke starts coughing his guts up and a
massive phlegm flies out of his gob and lands on
the lapel of a well-dressed woman that's dozed
off. I watched in horror as she woke up, clocked
the phlegm, assumed it was hers and quickly
sucked it up."
Join the 887,000 people who mistook this account
for that funny one which pretends to be Jerry
Seinfeld in the year 2000.
Oh you might as well buy the book, it's only
£6.49, which is cheaper than a music magazine
these days. Have you seen the price of them? And
they're so thin! Are they on heroin?
Last chance to buy tickets for the Leicester
Comedy Festival Fesshole show, as when this is
going to press (Friday) the show is tomorrow.
Stay tuned for more show announcements soon.
: SITES IN BRIEF
Content from external to b3ta content mines
* SWEARING Q*BERT DEEP DIVE - A big nerdy
investigation into what Q*Bert was actually
saying when he swore. We wish someone would
market a simple button you could press to
generate random Q*Blurts without having to have
the electronics skills to do it yourself.
* FINALLY, A SHIT MUSIC TOY DIGITISED - Pocket
Rockers were a type of Walkman aimed at primary
school children. The Internet Archive continues
in its quest to digitise everything, with a
decent percentage of the tapes uploaded. Some
slightly odd choices, considering the target
audience. Were 80s American kids really into
tinny recordings of Chuck Berry and Boston?
* FAST AND FURIOUS, ALL NINE MOVIES AT ONCE -
this is the quickest way to catch up on the
whole franchise. Other films you could do this
with, where there's exactly nine films, include:
the nine main Star Wars films, American Pie and
* FLAPPY BIRDLE - Finally the two iconic games
of the recent internet age are one game. Next
week: QWOP combined with Sudoku in a way we
haven't actually thought-out yet.
* HOW DO RAILWAY TICKETS WORK, REALLY - an
impressive bit of nerd detective work to
understand the data inside your tickets. NEXT
WEEK: How does the West Midlands 'Day Tripper'
Travel Card actually work, actually?
: GOATSE OF THE WEEK
Oh FFS, not this shit again
Ludovicriou writes, "driving back home
yesterday, I notice an incredible goatse-like
logo along the highway - I just had time to
memorise the company name. I've just checked
their website, my eyes weren't wrong. To me it
looks quite like goatse from the inside, which
could be a premiere." Yep, looks like a full
internal Goastse with 180 camera rotation. Well
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Here's the best images from last week:
* A tech joke from Ninj
* A Nosferatu gag from Z<3X
* A reversal jape from TBl
* See all the other images from the 'Rabbits'
>> This week: Balloons <<
Who doesn't like balloons? Birthday, Hot air,
Weather, Barrage, Denied Spy Satellite, there's
a balloon for everyone.
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas to kick you your ideas in the dick
* OLD NEWSLETTER CONTENT UNEATHER - Matt Round
suggests, "a project you could suggest to any
b3ta fans really into archiving, spidering, etc
- go through all b3ta newsletter links, see how
many have survived linkrot, use them for some
kind of 'i am bored' bot and directory."
* SINGLE USE POLITICAL WEBSITES - Ramsbottom LVA
writes, "Can someone please make a single use
website with the URL, IsLizStillPM, And it’s
just a single page which changes from Yes to No
sometime in October?" Well if we'd seen this in
time then we might have asked in time. SORRY,
but instead someone might like to make a generic
one which could work for all resignations?
* REALISTIC HANGMAN - the simple word game
combined with incredibly detailed graphics of a
man being hanged, who beg and pleads with you to
Send your projects to the Magic Donkey.
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
Found my boyfriend's burner phone. Turns out he
spends his quiet periods at work, meeting other
men all over the county to collect rare Pokemon.