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NEWSLETTER: "CAMPAIGNING TO RENAME CUDDLING AS 'DOING THE HUMAN SPOONIPEDE' SINCE 2001"

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This Week:
* READ THIS - pop star who sang about plastic bags
* FILM - fly over Wales in a drone
* FESSHOLE - best of and last chance for tickets
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're replacing Twitter 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | API with a child shouting
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|  about ham... together"

B3ta email 847 - 03 Feb 2023

Read this on Crimewatch, don't have nightmares:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue847

Subscribe: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making their parents ashamed

  * LET'S BE AN AMUSINGLY FLAWED POP STAR -
  Michael M has produced an enjoyable read about
  how he blew his chances of being a proper pop
  star and said "wrote a wee story about some of
  my mortifying experiences playing live radio
  sessions for legends like Vic Galloway and Marc
  Riley, including the time my old band went on
  BBC radio and tried to play Katy Perry's
  'Firework' but changed all the lyrics so it was
  just about a plastic bag."
https://michaelmphysics.medium.com/do-you-ever-fee...

  * LET'S FLY A DRONE OVER WALES - The wonderfully
  named Snorty McBumhole writes, "I bought a drone
  and made a thing because Wales is fucking
  beautiful. I know it's nothing flashy or funny,
  but I done made a thing that celebrates the
  lovely land of the sheep." Next week: the
  version from Matt Round where you can drop
  breeze blocks.
http://b3ta.com/links/1599242
  
  * LET'S REMIND YOU OF DEATH, EVERY MORNING -
  TDDAC writes, "Hi, just wanted to introduce the
  Doomsday Alarm Clock an IOS alarm app that's
  guaranteed to keep you up. Simply choose an
  apocalyptic scenario (like global warming or
  super volcanic eruption) and prepare to be woken
  up by bone-chilling facts about how the world
  might end." Thanks, this has cheered us right
  up.
https://www.doomsdayalarmclock.com/

  * LET'S SLAG OFF THE SUPPORT ACT - we rarely
  remember to big up Fesshole's older and less
  successful brother but this particular opinion
  really pissed people off - it got nearly 1,000
  quote tweets from people who were very keen to
  disagree with it. A lesson in why the media is
  often so crap really, negative engagement added
  a thousand or so followers. Still, Elon's
  Twitter API fuckery might mean that this was the
  final high point for this bot. So remember her
  this way.
https://twitter.com/anon_opin/status/1618985944069...

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Go on, buy some lovely clothes for bodies

  Hebtro make clothes, and if you wear them it'll
  protect you from being damp or cold, which is a
  good thing, as being nude in the British climate
  can lead to misery. So simply give Hebtro some
  of your money, and all your lifestyle problems
  will be solved in hardwearing fashion. 
https://hebtro.co/new/

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: FESSHOLE 
  Your confessions sicked up as content

  Each week you shout your lies into a bin and we
  share a few for lols:

  * FOOTY DAD - "Played FIFA with my 12yo son. He
  beat me 12-1. Was fuming, so for the last few
  weeks I've been secretly practising after he's
  gone to bed. Just had a rematch. Lost 14-0."

  * NEW LABOUR - "When my son was small and
  mischievous I would often threaten to ring Tony
  Blair in an attempt to rein him in; he would get
  upset and beg me not to. He's now 17 y/o
  politics student and a staunch Conservative. I
  think I accidentally turned him Tory."

  * ACABRADABRA - "My former neighbours came
  straight from hell. Partying 3/4 times a week,
  with a lot of booze and drugs. Their oldest son
  was dealing drugs as well. We couldn't take it
  anymore, and put the house up for sale. There
  were multiple people interested, so we chose the
  policeman."

  Join the 874k people who should have blocked
  this:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

  Buy the book, it's only £6.49 and the paper is
  very absorbent if your discreet incontinence
  pads have run out. 
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb

  And, of course, come to the live confessions
  night in Leicester, there are 232 tickets sold
  at time of going to press with a few still up
  for grabs. So get in now, you lovely people.
https://comedy-festival.co.uk/event/fesshole-live/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  This week's nerd projects for the jocks to ridicule

  * COMEDY NERDS CLICK HERE - the story behind the
  flash frames in The Young Ones is an
  stupendously deep comedy dive from the guy who
  we seem to link to every week now.
https://www.dirtyfeed.org/2023/01/freeze-frame-par... 

  * AI CAN REPLACE CATS? - The only good AI
  projects are those taking the piss out of AI's
  shiteness.  This imagines what if ChatGPT were a
  cat, with a name that's less cat-like to French
  speakers.
https://catgpt.wvd.io

  * ENDLESS SEINFELD AI GENERATOR - oddly
  compelling AI comedy that's partly great coz
  it's nonsense and partly great because of all
  the frantic comments on Twitch.
https://www.twitch.tv/watchmeforever

  * BUY YOUR OWN CARGO SHIP - You can buy anything
  on Aliexpress, including chunking down half a
  million on your own cargo ship. Can one of the
  rich YouTube dickheads book one please? And then
  drown?
https://www.aliexpress.com/item/1005004203320279.h...

  * FLOPPY DISK MUSEUM - in a meta move, The
  Museum of Obsolete Media is hosting their Floppy
  Disk collection from a 3.5' floppy disk server.
  Presumably this will get slashdotted quite
  easily, but a nice retro browse-around when it
  is up and running. 
http://floppy.museum

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: FRIDAY GAME(S)
  Your Gameboy replacement service dot html

  * BACK SCRATCHER 2000 PRO - an enjoyably daft
  idea for a two player game, in which one player
  balances the keyboard on their back and guides
  the other to where they need scratching. I have
  not played this properly, but can only imagine
  it's incredibly socially awkward to actually
  play, and so best left to sex people like Toyah
  and Robert.
https://ludipe.itch.io/back-scratching-simulator-2...

  * MANIC DESTRUCTION - we rarely link to
  non-browser games but we're making an exception
  for this version of Manic Miner combined with a
  destruction physics engine that produces a
  series of puzzles that's genuinely a novel
  challenge. Worth the cheapo download anyway.
https://stephensmith.itch.io/manic-destruction

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to kick you off

  * AUSTRALIAN CHRISTMAS IN THE UK - on learning
  that Australia has an extra Christmas in summer,
  we demand an extra Christmas in Britain, on June
  25th, where we all fire up a barbie and listen
  to some Kylie. Bouncer's dream optional.

  * QUID SWEAR APP - some kinda swear randomiser
  that makes swears by lining up pound coins so
  you can read swears along the edge. "Piss off"
  is possible anyway.

  * SOMETHING TO MAKE YOU ALL FEEL BETTER ABOUT
  BEING OLD - "You're 49, you've still got 13
  years to write your Lord Of The Rings"

  Send your projects to the Magic Donkey, he's not
  in the knackers' yard yet:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
  you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
  Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
  THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE

  "I have a 10-year-old talking parrot. I bought
  him for company, but we don't get on. He spends
  all day shitting on my expensive glass coffee
  table and telling the smart speaker to play
  Billy Joel because he knows it annoys me."

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