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NEWSLETTER: "CONGRATS TO EVERY B3TA READER MOVING UP ONE PLACE IN 'WORLD'S GREATEST LIVING SONGWRITER' LIST"

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This Week:
* TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY - hooray for Undead Ted
* DOCTOR WHO - prop mobile phones investigated
* IMAGE CHALLENGE: it's 'balloons' at last

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shitting
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   'pip-pip pooray!'
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|     ... together"

B3ta email 848 - 10th Feb 2023

Read this issue to a bamboozled Bono from U2:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue848

Subscribe: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making their vets worried

  * DOCTOR WHO VS THE MOBILE PHONES OF TERROR -
  Terence Eden has been given a load of old mobile
  phones that were used as props on Doctor Who,
  and has been having a big nosey around the files
  that were left on them. An enjoyably obscure
  dive for fans, and thankfully he's not yet been
  Barrowman-rolled with an unexpected cock shot.
https://shkspr.mobi/blog/2023/02/the-mobile-phones...

  * A B3TAN SUCCESS STORY! This week it's
  congratulations to Ten years of Undead Teds. 
  NobbyNobody writes, "Thank you B3ta. Some time
  ago, while in a very bad place having lost my
  job, I mutilated a teddy bear and showed it to
  my friends on B3ta. 'Shut up and take my money'
  was the general response. So I did. And Rob put
  it in the newsletter. And now it'd been my full
  time job for 10 YEARS So thank you B3ta and
  thank you Rob. You're all lovely people." Yay,
  hopefully ten years from now we'll report our
  second success story.
https://www.undeadteds.com/

  * GO OUT AND SEE ART - Resident B3ta artist
  Chris Barker writes, "Thursday 16th March People
  in or around London. Literally the only Art of
  Light Entertainment prints I will be signing.
  COME ALONG! There will be drinks, nibbles and
  entertainment - and prints." Your editor will
  probably be popping down as he's contractually
  obligated to support Chris's nonsense.
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/16236342...

  BTW: A little birdy tells us that our other
  favourite Chris, that is Chris Shaw, is planning
  a Beatles / Eggpod live event. We're petitioning
  for it to be called Eggstock and for our Hells
  Angels mates to supply security. Watch this
  space.

  * READ SOME OLD SHITTY TABLOIDS - TimChuma
  writes, "Using the newspaper reading room for
  its true purpose, to annoy people on social
  media. The Truth Newspaper was a scandal rag
  printed as cheap filled in between the racing
  form guide. These days the Herald Sun prints
  worse stories but this used to be the proper
  gutter press in Melbourne."
https://www.facebook.com/bestofthetruth/

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: READER'S LETTERS
  We've dipped our penis into your email sack for
  this

  * FAN MAIL - Hulamonster writes, "Every week I
  read to the bottom of your newsletter to see my
  name. Not because I’m so proud to throw you a
  measly couple of bucks a month but because the
  donor listed before me is simply 'Harry.'  I
  love seeing our names next to each other because
  I miss my Dad, Harry Semanchuk. He died in 1998
  but I know he would laugh at your silly shit as
  much as I do."

  * CAN YOU HELP? - jjwharris1989 writes, "Hello,
  around 2006/7 my Ipod 4th Gen was stolen at a
  party. It was quite good as it had a flaccid to
  erect battery icon/animation. I think I found
  the modification in a b3ta newsletter, but I've
  tried googling for the newsletter and can't find
  it. Do you remember this? Does anyone still have
  it?!" Nope no fucking idea. Readers?

  You'll probably want the mail link for this.
  Please don't just reply to the newsletter as it
  gets lost in all the out-of-office replies we
  get, and so we miss your offers of sex and money
  for newsletter shout outs. Use the form, Luke.
https://b3ta.com/mailus

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  Go on, buy some lovely clothes for bodies

  Brrr! All this cold weather and you're all still
  wearing shorts like it's the middle of summer.
  Help is at hand from Hebtro who make sturdy
  winter clothes, built to last, and will stop
  your leggies getting all chilly. Made in the UK
  too, which means they won't get stuck in customs
  like that pound of cocaine you just ordered.
https://hebtro.co/new/

-------------------------------------------------

: FESSHOLE 
  Your confessions turned into throwaway content

  Each week you vomit your truth and lies into a
  big Google bin and we pick out some meaty chunks
  then ask the internet to click 'like' so that a
  few count registers go up in the cloud
  infrastructure:

  * TOUCHING MEMORIES - "24 years ago, aged 18, I
  walked in on dad licking mum out - after I'd
  been on a night out. Mum brought a cup of tea
  the next morning and asked how my night was.
  Told her I didn't remember getting home to save
  embarrassment. Still haunted to this day. Awful
  memory to have."

  * UNCLE OF THE YEAR - "I taught my niece to say
  'I need to curl one out' when she needs a poo.
  My sister was not impressed when her nursery
  spoke to her about her daughter shouting she
  needs to curl one out and teaching other kids."

  * PROJECTILE MUCUS - "Early morning on a train.
  Homeless bloke starts coughing his guts up and a
  massive phlegm flies out of his gob and lands on
  the lapel of a well-dressed woman that's dozed
  off. I watched in horror as she woke up, clocked
  the phlegm, assumed it was hers and quickly
  sucked it up."

  Join the 887,000 people who mistook this account
  for that funny one which pretends to be Jerry
  Seinfeld in the year 2000.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/

  Oh you might as well buy the book, it's only
  £6.49, which is cheaper than a music magazine
  these days. Have you seen the price of them? And
  they're so thin! Are they on heroin?
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb

  Last chance to buy tickets for the Leicester
  Comedy Festival Fesshole show, as when this is
  going to press (Friday) the show is tomorrow.
  Stay tuned for more show announcements soon.
https://comedy-festival.co.uk/event/fesshole-live/

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Content from external to b3ta content mines

  * SWEARING Q*BERT DEEP DIVE - A big nerdy
  investigation into what Q*Bert was actually
  saying when he swore.  We wish someone would
  market a simple button you could press to
  generate random Q*Blurts without having to have
  the electronics skills to do it yourself.
https://youtube.com/watch 

  * FINALLY, A SHIT MUSIC TOY DIGITISED - Pocket
  Rockers were a type of Walkman aimed at primary
  school children.  The Internet Archive continues
  in its quest to digitise everything, with a
  decent percentage of the tapes uploaded. Some
  slightly odd choices, considering the target
  audience.  Were 80s American kids really into
  tinny recordings of Chuck Berry and Boston?
https://archive.org/details/pocketrockers

  * FAST AND FURIOUS, ALL NINE MOVIES AT ONCE -
  this is the quickest way to catch up on the
  whole franchise. Other films you could do this
  with, where there's exactly nine films, include:
  the nine main Star Wars films, American Pie and
  Rocky.
https://f1f2f3f4f5f6f7f8f9.online

  * FLAPPY BIRDLE - Finally the two iconic games
  of the recent internet age are one game. Next
  week: QWOP combined with Sudoku in a way we
  haven't actually thought-out yet.
https://flappybirdle.com/

  * HOW DO RAILWAY TICKETS WORK, REALLY - an
  impressive bit of nerd detective work to
  understand the data inside your tickets. NEXT
  WEEK: How does the West Midlands 'Day Tripper'
  Travel Card actually work, actually?
https://eta.st/2023/01/31/rail-tickets.html

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: GOATSE OF THE WEEK
  Oh FFS, not this shit again

  Ludovicriou writes, "driving back home
  yesterday, I notice an incredible goatse-like
  logo along the highway - I just had time to
  memorise the company name. I've just checked
  their website, my eyes weren't wrong. To me it
  looks quite like goatse from the inside, which
  could be a premiere." Yep, looks like a full
  internal Goastse with 180 camera rotation. Well
  done gang.
https://bleumercure.group/

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Rabbits

  Here's the best images from last week:

  * A tech joke from Ninj
https://b3ta.com/board/11386346

  * A Nosferatu gag from Z<3X
https://b3ta.com/board/11386455

  * A reversal jape from TBl
https://b3ta.com/board/11386286

  * See all the other images from the 'Rabbits'
  challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/rabbits/popular

  >> This week: Balloons <<
  Who doesn't like balloons? Birthday, Hot air,
  Weather, Barrage, Denied Spy Satellite, there's
  a balloon for everyone.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/balloons/popular

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Free ideas to kick you your ideas in the dick

  * OLD NEWSLETTER CONTENT UNEATHER - Matt Round
  suggests, "a project you could suggest to any
  b3ta fans really into archiving, spidering, etc
  - go through all b3ta newsletter links, see how
  many have survived linkrot, use them for some
  kind of 'i am bored' bot and directory."

  * SINGLE USE POLITICAL WEBSITES - Ramsbottom LVA
  writes, "Can someone please make a single use
  website with the URL, IsLizStillPM, And it’s
  just a single page which changes from Yes to No
  sometime in October?" Well if we'd seen this in
  time then we might have asked in time. SORRY,
  but instead someone might like to make a generic
  one which could work for all resignations?

  * REALISTIC HANGMAN -  the simple word game
  combined with incredibly detailed graphics of a
  man being hanged, who beg and pleads with you to
  save him/her.

  Send your projects to the Magic Donkey.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

-------------------------------------------------

: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically.

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
  JAMES* *STOOBERT*

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
  additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
  you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
  Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
  THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.

  And do please donate as you get occasional
  "bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

-------------------------------------------------

: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
  Found my boyfriend's burner phone. Turns out he
  spends his quiet periods at work, meeting other
  men all over the county to collect rare Pokemon.
  Phew.

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