NEWSLETTER: "READING THIS NEWSLETTER IS A MAGICK RITE THAT'LL MAKE YOUR TEETH GO CURLY"
This Week:
* SHED OF THE YEAR - hits 17th year running, christ
* GAME - Wordy Solitaire (actually quite fun)
* NEW CHALLENGE - TV Jesus
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're wetting the leg
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | ... together"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta email 856 - 7th Apr 2023
Ask GPT-4 to rewrite this newsletter in Cockney:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue856
Subscribe, if you like: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making unpleasant smells
* SHED OF THE YEAR - This project, launched on
the very B3ta boards, now reaches its 17th year
having made TV shows and got BIG SHED
sponsorship. Andrew Wilcox writes, "We have two
new categories for the Shed of the year 2023,
Simple but Effective and Most Colourful Shed
because people complain that pub sheds always
win (they don't), and basic sheds don't stand a
chance (they do). Anyway, it's my 17th year
running Shed of the year, a weird idea that
started in the pub and has taken over my life.
You guys have supported us since the early days
as well! so thanks."
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/share.cfm
* HOUR LONG SONG - Ricardo Autobahn, one-time
Daz Sampson collaborator - writes, "I don't
often offer content for the B3TA newsletter but
you might get a grim lol from the fact I've made
the 12 inch mix for Spray's new single over an
hour long. It's a proper arrangement too, I
didn't just loop the chorus 100 times." We look
forward to Ricardo performing this whilst
playing chess on Top Of The Pops.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* RECIPE ODYSSEY - Dumbdestroy7 writes, "No one
likes it when there's a super long story before
a recipe, but we still went ahead and turned
that up to 11 by putting famous works of
literature (like Moby Dick and the Odyssey)
before a recipe. Basically they're free e-books
that make you read an entire novel before the
recipe at the end." Honestly we couldn't be
arsed to jump through the hoops to get the books
as it makes you log in - but it's an amusing
idea.
https://www.cooknovels.com/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
"Woke mugs"
Your chance to own mugs thrown for Hebtro by the
incredibly talented Keith Brymer Jones in his
Whitstable Studio. Printed with the words:
hipster, twat, woke, and the phrases "don't fuck
it up" and "don't be a dick." Every penny spent
with Hebtro encourages them to keep sponsoring
our projects so don't be a mug, buy a mug:
https://hebtro.co/product-category/keith-brymer-jo...
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions expurgated from the collective id
Each week we ask you confess and you respond
with old jokes and the odd alarming comment
about how you want to die, but we don't publish
those coz, keep it light etc. Anyway:
* PURRFECT ROMANCE - "Wife surprised me with a
blowjob because I said 'You're the best, you
make me so happy, I love you' I actually didn't
know she was there and was talking to the cat."
* SHE KNOWS - "There's an awful woman at work
who only works three days a week. I take great
delight in saying 'See you next Tuesday' to her
every Thursday when I leave, knowing that she
doesn't realise the true meaning of the saying."
* HMMM - "My ignorant neighbour who NEVER says
hello back when I greet him had the audacity to
knock on my door at 8pm complaining of the noise
coming from my sound bar that was running at 20%
volume. So I went out the next day and bought
another for the upstairs. Fuck him in stereo."
If this shit is your bag then get bags more shit
at the Twitter account that most people
accidentally followed think it was that funny
one where Dennis Healey wears increasingly large
trousers:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
No, YOU haven't bought the Fesshole book yet, oh
come on, it's only £6.49 which is half the price
of a sausage roll if you're a Tory.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
Yeah yeah there's tour tickets too - Edinburgh
now sold out but do come to Manchester, Belfast
and Bristol, and get to see the editor of this
newsletter tit about.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Load this up on Netscape Gold and go cybering
* FURBY VS AI - 10 years ago you could get
coverage by sticking a GoPro on anything, now
you can get the same by connecting [random
object] to GPT-4. Still, this is alarming or
funny depending on your point of view.
https://twitter.com/jessicard/status/1642671752319...
* JOY D'VIDEO - Neat little WebGL music video
that has fun with Joy Division's Unknown
Pleasures' famous cover to the tune of Love Will
Tear Us Apart. Which, to be fair, wasn't on the
LP, but hey, it looks nice.
https://pouria.dev/unknown-pleasures
* OPEN YOUR MAC AND SEE - we were DOS kids, but
apparently Apple nerds used to enjoy extracting
the icons and sounds from software which got
saved in its "resource fork". This site is
trying to create an easily-browsable version of
their experience with the fun sounding ResEdit.
https://resourceforks.com
* THEY KNOW YOUR TYPE - It's old news that
privacy is a thing of the past but now someone's
made the technology to reconstruct the things
you type from the sound of your typing. Finally
we'll find out that Dolly was secretly typing 'I
need a back operation' in 9 To 5.
https://github.com/ggerganov/kbd-audio
* STEVE JOBS STILL IN THE CRYPT(o) - Did you
know there's a PDF about Bitcoin hidden inside
almost every Apple Mac? Probably just a doc used
for testing purposes but also likely to set off
a billion conspiracy theories.
https://waxy.org/2023/04/the-bitcoin-whitepaper-is...
* DAMP WORD PERFECT - A pointlessly elaborate
Ecco The Dolphin word processor, should you want
to see exactly how it would have looked if SEGA
had let some swear words through the net.
https://eccothedolphin.io/ecco-text-generator
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: FRIDAY GAME(s)
Word Solitaire
A letter-based Solitaire to make use of all that
Wordle 5-letter-word knowledge. Hopefully it
does the classic card bounce animation when you
clear the deck, but it's pretty difficult and
I've been unable to get that far.
https://kloonigames.com/wordsolitaire/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Literal Places
Here's the best images from last week:
* This rather silly gag from Ninj
https://b3ta.com/board/11389969
* So that's what 'hampton' means, thanks
Plankton
https://b3ta.com/board/11390034
* This could be a scene in a rather droll horror
film - thank you Ninj (again)
https://b3ta.com/board/11390354
* See all the other images from the 'Literal
Places' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/literalplaces/popular
>> This week: Jesus' Greatest TV Moments <<
Happy Easter, it's a time to sit back and watch
stuff on TV while going to church to remember
Jesus and his things. So let's combine the two
and make Jesus' greatest TV moments.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/tvjesus/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas for brainspiration
* TEXT-TO-SWEEP - Monkeon asks "I was thinking
that it must be possible to do Text-To-Sweep,
which analyses the rhythm of the syllables in a
sentence and turns them into squeaks. Ideally,
it could work backwards to reveal what filth
Sweep was yelling at Matthew Corbett."
* COULD YOU GET INTO ETON? Eton entrance exams
are online as PDFs, would work as a virally
quiz, either done straight or with stupid
questions. "You see a homeless person. Do you
give them... a) a fiver b) a kick"
* MOCKERY LOTTERY - reading the government rules
on lotteries we've realised it's actually
possible set up small ones with minimal
oversight and we spent a few mins imagining one
where you bung in a quid to insult a celeb, a
random one is chosen, you get half the pay out,
the celeb gets half the pay out and the whole
thing goes to raising support for online artists
(up to £250,000 a year in turnover).
Thrust your ideas into our inbox and make us
gasp.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (You're welcome - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"My husband recently uploaded a video to YouTube
of him complaining about the service he'd
received at our local Waitrose. He plays all 8
minutes of it on our smart tv whenever he's had
a few drinks. I will NEVER have sex with this
man again."
