NEWSLETTER: "THE TYPE OF CONTENT YOUR MOTHER WARNED YOU ABOUT"
This Week:
* FART-O-TRON 5000 - flatulence automated
* TOOL - 'Iconic' muser detector
* NEW CHALLENGE - Elon 'invents'. Should go well
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by reading bits out on a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| dictaphone... together"
B3ta email 858 - 21th Apr 2023
Read this issue to any fuckers who listens:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue858
Subscribe, you blobs: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their families ashamed
* ICONIC BOLLOCKS DETECTOR - Monkeon writes, "I
made a simple bookmarklet at the weekend after
reading Iain Sinclair getting mardy about the
modern misuse of the word iconic and realising
his thinking was a bit like how bullshit.js (the
anti-marketing jargon bookmarklet) works." Next
week, can we have one that detects "all grown
up" and shouts "NONCE!"?
https://monkeon.co.uk/iconic-moronic/
* FART-O-TRON 5000 - Chuffley writes, "It's been
a few weeks since I was gifted an Arduino for my
birthday. I have learnt the rudiments of
programming and soldering and have created this
soundboard for my 5-year-old son. Really
enjoying this new hobby. I am determined never
to make anything actually useful." Sir, you have
succeeded, this is entirely pointless and
wonderful.
https://b3ta.com/links/Fart_O_Tron_5000
* CENTURIES OF SOUND 1945 - Zuowan writes,
"Three and a half hours of sound from 1945, this
time much more heavy on the speech radio than
the music, a lot of stuff went down in the first
four-and-a-half months of 1945. Feel incredibly
relieved to have got this one out - from now on
I can focus more on the music. Though there is
also Hiroshima I suppose."
https://centuriesofsound.com/2023/04/10/1945-part-...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes ok?
Each week we implore you to buy some clobber
with Hebtroco so that they continue to sponsor
us, their shtick is high quality garbs made in
the UK, designed to last for a long time. Treat
yourself or an ideal gift for the discerning man
in your life:
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up like cat vomit
Each week we ask you to type up to 280 chars
into a Google Form and then pick out a few to
tweet. It's that simple.
* MEOW - "In 2003 I caught my brother wanking
while cuddling the cat. I immediately
blackmailed him into doing small jobs for me. 20
years on he's married with kids and I can still
get him to do the washing up at Christmas by
telling him it would be Purrfect if he could
help."
* E'S ARE GOOD - "For six years I have been
occasionally going to a friend's house to play
Scrabble. Each time I've taken along an extra
"E" tile and added it to his set. He is now
playing with nine extra Es. He hasn't actually
noticed but complains about having too many Es
every time."
* DUMP HIM - "His confession really but my
ex-husband once marched me to the doctors with
him to investigate why his cock had weird stuff
all over it, the insinuation being that I had
given him an infection. The doctor gently
explained that it was called smegma and that he
should wash it."
Join all 950k fools who've mistaken this for
that funny twitter account which only posts
pictures of Moby's nipples under the name
'mooby'.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Buy the book, at £6.49 it's cheaper every week,
what with inflation being what it is.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
You should attend the live shows too - next on
is next Tuesday in Edinburgh, but that's sold
out, so instead buy tickets for the triumvirate
of pleasure that is Belfast, Manchester and
Bristol.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by some other cunts
* SPACE ELEVATOR - Neal Dotfun's latest is an
elevator journey into space via the medium of
infographic. Missed a trick by not using the
interactive bits to form a personality test and,
depending on your response, either end on
William Shatner's observations on the frailty of
the planet, or pop open one of Jeff Bezos'
champagne bottles whilst whooping like a cunt.
https://neal.fun/space-elevator/
* ARE THEY HUMAN OR AI? - A gamified Turing
test. You are connected to either another player
or a bot. Can you tell what they are? And can
you convince the other player that you aren't
human by writing slightly inaccurate and dull
responses. More of a good idea than actually
that workable, although I did end up playing
quite a few rounds as there is a nice Chat
Roulette quality to it, presumably to be spoiled
by edgelords any day now.
https://app.humanornot.ai
* MANURE FOR SALE - a thoughtful deconstruction
of the shit advertising you see on farm land.
https://manureforsale.wordpress.com/
* SQL ADVENTURE - really plumbing the depths of
nerdery here is this attempt to teach the great
unwashed how to query databases using the arcane
skill of SQL. Next week, a version of PacMan
that teaches you how to use VI.
https://lost-at-sql.therobinlord.com/
* GOLF, THE SHIT COMPUTER GAME - A golf game
written with ChatGPT that's surprisingly
playable. The main appeal is really just the
minimalism in turning golf into a text-based
reaction test. Makes you realise what a
pointless sport it is. Yeah, we said it, Tarby.
http://mulligantourgolfgame.com/greenglory/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Animal Musicals
Here's the best images from last week, and we're
carefully not going to reveal any punchlines in
the set up.
* SMUG BASTARD is bringing animals to the work
of Andrew Lloyd Webber
http://b3ta.com/board/11391167
* @LEXISTWIT is combining classic movies
https://b3ta.com/board/11391447
* AND PLANKTON is stretching the definition of
animals into Star Trek baddies
https://b3ta.com/board/11391159
* See all the other images from the 'Animal
Musicals' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/animalmusicals/popular
>> This week: Elon Invents <<
Elon Musk has fingers in a lot of pies with
varying results. Perhaps he's spreading himself
too thin or perhaps he's not multi-tasking
enough? Show us what would happen if the blue
tick removing cunt re-invents everything.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/eloninvents/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off the pitch
* REALISTIC RAAB SIMULATOR 2000 - an office
simulator where you play Raab and get to bully
the fuck out of people for using your stapler or
drinking your office fridge milk.
* AN ADULT WORK FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN COME OVER AND
SCRATCH YOUR BACK - nothing sexy like, there's
just a lot of people out there with an itchy
back.
* CORONATION - THE TEXT ADVENTURE - You play the
Archbishop of Canterbury and you have to
coronate the King whilst pissed out of your head
on meths and LSD.
Your letter, is just the start of it:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Wotcha captain - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE - A TOP TIP
"I've been to loads of festivals. I always walk
in with a surgical eye patch on hiding my stash
behind it, no security has had the balls to ask
to check."
