NEWSLETTER: "OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER LIKE A MELTED CHEESE TOASTIE"
This Week:
* OUR BEST CHALLENGE IN AGES? Expanded art
* INTRODUCING THE 'TINY AWARDS' - Submit yourself?
* LET'S DO A BEST OF FESSHOLE - oh yes
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We've spent 20 years
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | saving the web and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| did you say thanks?"
B3ta email 864 - 9th June 2023
Read this issue on your Apple face bum:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue864
Subscribe, wanks: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sinister toe jam
* EXPANDED ART CHALLENGE - easily the best
challenge we've put out in recent times, over a
100 entries and so many of them classic B3ta
gold.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/expandart/popular
* AWARDS FOR SMALL WEBSITES - Matt Muir writes,
"Hello man, hope you're well. I don't suppose
you could consider giving this a small plug in
the B3ta newsletter this week? I figure B3tans
might be exactly the sort of people who might
want to enter things. Basically we thought it
might be nice to reward people who make small,
interesting web stuff for the love of it, rather
than the usual website awards which go to people
who make shiny digital things for terrible
businesses."
https://tinyawards.net/
* MOGG OFF - Krang writes, "I made a stupid AI
video about Jacob Rees-Mogg. It took a
ridiculous amount of time, it looks like shit,
and I think it would have been simpler to have
just paid Rees-Mogg to take part. I thought AI
was meant to make these things easier? Feel free
to place it in the newsletter, but I won't feel
offended if you don't."
https://b3ta.com/links/Jacob_Rees_Mogg_Eating_Mone...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes and stop being nude
Are you cold? Then science has the answer, it's
time to buy some clothes and cover up your
shame. Each garment is made in the UK to the
highest standards and is designed to last. And
there's a sale on so get in.
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up like fess sick
Each week you shit into a bin and we upload a
few to the hip new website Rate My Poo:
* PEOPLE ARE STILL HAVING SEX - "I went
parasailing on holiday and gave my ex boyfriend
a hand job when we were up in the air. When we
were leaving, there were guys trying to sell us
pictures of us up there- apparently there was a
camera on the ropes. They couldn't stop
laughing. I was mortified."
* WELL NOT THIS GUY - "I have a wife who has
given up on sex. So I now have a girlfriend too
for sex. She has now stopped sleeping with me,
but she won't let me break up with her. So I
have two women refusing to have sex me with me.
My life sucks."
* STILL, KITTENS ARE THING - "I wanted a kitten.
My now-husband said no. Weeks later I 'found' I
kitten 'in the middle of the road'. Cue 'taking
it to the vets' to 'get it's chip scanned'. We
ended up keeping the 'poor, abandoned feral'
kitten. Yes, reader, I'd bought the kitten."
Follow the Twitter account that only has
followers because you mistook it for that funny
one which posts videos of people trying to
'rave' to waltz-time beats.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Buy the book, you might as well, at £6.99 it's
about the same price as £2 worth of sweets in
1981. Yes, we were just mucking around on an
inflation calculator.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
BUY THE TICKETS - Your B3ta newsletter editor is
also doing Fesshole shows at the moment. The
next is in Belfast, and we also have tickets for
Bristol (sold out), Newcastle, London and
Leicester. Think of it as Rob on Tour like he's
Kim Wilde or something.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Pop in your Neuralink and blink at these
* 'THIS IS FINE' MEME GENERATOR - Choose from a
selection of common fears or upload your own.
They could probably automate it using Twitter's
trending topics of doom, or at least they could
if Elon didn't charge you five million dollars
per API call.
https://pickyourparanoia.com
* EGG GAME - You can actually play the glitchy
egg game from I Think You Should Leave. Send it
to someone who works in an office and doesn't
watch the show, then enjoy imagining the entire
sketch playing out for real on their confused
face.
https://egggame.org
* REALISTIC DAVID SYLVIAN ALBUM TRACK SIMULATOR
- An ambient web instrument / stress toy where
whatever you do sounds lovely. Will get
everyone's blood pressure down apart from Brian
Eno, whose job it reveals to have been a piece
of piss all along.
https://hamishlang.github.io/clickbath/
* LET'S ARCHIVE 'COMPUTER SHOPPER' MAGAZINE -
Ever wondered about the extraordinary work that
goes into running archive.org? Jason Scott
reveals all about simply getting one old
magazine online. Fascinating stuff.
http://ascii.textfiles.com/archives/5543
* BRR CHILLY - Interesting blog about living at
the South Pole. Link goes to a post about food.
https://brr.fyi/posts/the-last-egg
* DROWN THESE UNNATURAL CHILDREN OF TYPOGRAPHY -
Waste 5 minutes of your life mashing up emoji
before wondering whether your genitals have
rested enough for one more wank before taking
yourself off to Dignitas.
https://emojikitchen.dev/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some idea to kick you off, or not, your choice
* THE SELFISH GUIDE TO WHY TAX IS GOOD - seeing
as there's still people out there who are not
convinced that a social safety net is worth
paying for, maybe it's time to remind them that
they absolutely do not want to live in a Mad Max
hellscape where they're stepping over lepers
etc.
* THE RETURN OF THE EITHER/OR QUIZ - There's
probably a picture quiz in being able to spot
the difference between Blade Runner 2049 and New
York 2023 given the recent orange skies.
* A VERSION OF SPOTIFY THAT WORKS LIKE AUDIBLE -
in that you get one token a month to buy one
album. We like this idea as it would bring back
really having to give a shit about which stuff
you were getting.
Become content in everyone's inbox:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Requesting a thank-you
egg sandwich - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"I manage a girl's football team. They're not
very good and I don't get paid. But I have more
enthusiasm for this bunch of shambolic
13-year-olds than anything I've done in my
entire life. I am a benign dictator in my own
small universe."
