NEWSLETTER: "IMAGINE IT'S STILL 2001 BY SQUEEZING INTO SMALLER JEANS AND READING THIS ASCII NEWSLETTER"
This Week:
* ADD PIGEONS - to the Rolling Stones
* BUY TAT - from the darkest web
* CROWDFUND - Chris Barker's new comic
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by screengrabbing all the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| spiders or something"
B3ta email 866 - 23rd June 2023
Read this issue to your dead goldfish:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue866
Subscribe, wanks: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making sweet sweet love
* ADDING PIGEONS TO SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL -
Stevierar writes, "This has been stuck in my
head and now it is free. It takes nearly two
minutes to start." Well we were moderately
amused.
https://b3ta.com/links/I_added_pigeons_to_Sympathy...
* YOU'LL NEED TO KNOW YOUR ONIONS FOR THIS ONE -
Dumbdestroy7 writes, "Thought you might find
this funny. The Dark Web Gift Shop is the first
ever tourist trap on the Dark Web. The Dark Web
is kind of a hassle to get to, so we think
visitors should leave with a souvenir. Prove to
everyone you used your credit card on the Dark
Web by purchasing our signature 'I Visited the
Dark Web and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt'"
If Tor is your thing then get torring so you can
be vaguely ripped off in the name of art. Paste
the following into your TOR browser but delete
the new lines first.
Om4mbulz3aq2tzi5rhrsfpqacwn
J552n57hsm7ix5bamjrawpg63cgqd
.onion/home/
* CROWDFUND CHRIS BARKER'S SECOND COMIC - Chris
writes, "Up to you if you want to put this in
the newsletter. It would be timely what with
Glastonbury and everything but I worry you're
not really into it." Haha, we'll bung it in,
Chris.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/dregs/dregs-o...
* MATT ROUND UPDATE - "Will probably launch
Britain's Most Boring Person award next week,
also got a nice little word game in the works
but not sure if that'll be next or be slotted in
further down the queue." Link goes to preview of
the award.
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1671166573397...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some fantastic clothes
Each week we implore you to go and spend money
with Hebtro, who sponsor both B3ta and Fesshole,
and sort yourself out with some fine togs. All
made in the UK to the finest standards and
designed to last.
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up as disposable content
Each week you type your lies into a huge Google
spreadsheet and we pick out a few to tweet out.
Our favs include:
* WE'VE ALL DONE IT - 'I sucked a guy off down a
garden path at 5am. We heard an 'Oh my god!' and
both turned. A woman was stood in her dressing
gown looking mortified. I fled the scene, only
to get a message from him saying it was his mum.
Then a second message asking me to go back and
finish him off."
* DOPE - "My dad thinks he has Alzheimer's,
going for loads of tests. His memory has gone
and his brain isn't functioning. He doesn't have
it, he just ran out of vape and nicked one from
my room. It was a weed one from USA, he's been
stoned the whole time. Can't tell him."
* REVENGE - "My landlord confessed that he only
put my rent up because the letting agent told
him to and he wouldn't have thought about it
otherwise. I get my revenge by repeatedly
reporting their business as 'permanently closed'
on Google and Apple Maps."
Follow the Twitter account that many have
mistaken for the tedious one that posts boats
with amusing names.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Buy the book, which at £6.99 is approximately
the price of a motorway service station handjob
in 1972, plus you could use the paper to wipe
yourself clean. Bargain.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
Tickets for sale! Belfast went well, Bristol
this Sat (sold out), Newcastle coming up (sold
out) and we've got London and Leicester
available:
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Pages from Weefax
* GREAT BRITISH GETTY IMAGES - enjoy selections
from UK Getty such as "A man in a white shirt
smoking a cigarette walks past a large
photograph of Fish and Chips with mushy peas in
a motorway service station car park on the M6"
and "Discarded Stella Artois beer can,
Oxfordshire, The Cotswolds, United Kingdom
(2006)" Truly a portrait of our country, more
profound than any art you could imagine.
https://twitter.com/shitbritishpics
* LONDON UNDERGROUND DOTMATIC FONTS - Project
suggestion: use this to make a thing that shows
what's imminent in your calendar, or on TV, or
whether you're about to turn into a werewolf.
https://github.com/petykowski/London-Underground-D...
* ET GAME SEQUEL - Atari's E.T. is considered
one of the worst games of all time, and this
unofficial sequel sees the horrible little space
lizard go postal and take his revenge on his
more successful Atari co-stars. Deliberately
crap, but still more playable than the original.
Perhaps in 20 years time, we'll get an
impossible anniversary edition where his gun is
replaced by a walkie talkie.
https://therealmattkain.itch.io/et-returns
* SPIROCLOCK - Well, we like a novelty clock,
and we like a spirograph, but which is best? No
need to find out, as this online clock combines
the best of both worlds. A second hand for the
next release please.
https://sophiehoulden.com/randomstuff/epitime/
* HOLD SPACE TO FLY STRAIGHT - A minimalist
one-button game that seems easy at first, but
quickly becomes frustrating due to how fiddly it
is in reality. Unexpectedly addictive but IT
SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD.
https://seudonimm.itch.io/hold-space-to-fly-straig...
* COUNTDOWN USA - The game wonks at the New York
Times are trying to do for maths what Wordle did
for letters. Basically just the numbers game
from Countdown, but the combining-circles UI
works really well for avoiding brackets.
https://www.nytimes.com/games/digits
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* KITCHEN GUESSER GAME - when we're bored we
like to weigh stuff like forks on the kitchen
scale and guess the weights.
* MORRISSEY OR KEIR STARMER - create the quiz
that might have done numbers a few years ago.
Work it by photos or opinions, up to you.
* ARE PEOPLE TRULY FRIENDLY UP NORTH - use an
autodialer to dial everyone with a landline and
use AI sentiment analysis to see where they get
more annoyed.
Don't fail us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (A thousand high fives -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE BREXIT METAPHOR
"Been married 18 years, thought I'd try my
chances on Tinder. Turns out I'm as attractive
as dog shit on your shoe on a hot day. Bought
the wife some flowers. Thank god I'm not
single."
