NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT'LL NEVER SACK ITS CEO, NO MATTER WHAT FARAGE DEMANDS"
This Week:
* QUIZ - Can you beat 'New Word Order'?
* ART - Submit your banana and have it judged
* TINY AWARDS - the complete horrifying results
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | printing out Geocities on
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| our dot-matrix printer"
B3ta email 871 - 28 July 2023
Read this issue to your baffled postman:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue871
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Because they are busy little internet munchkins
* NEW WORD ORDER - Monkeon writes, "I've made a
new quiz about neologisms. I was struggling for
a title when this one came to me on the bog. The
term for such a thing appears to be 'epiphany
toilet', which was coined in a 2004 episode of
Scrubs." This quiz is original and tough in
parts - you'll have fun.
https://monkeon.co.uk/new-word-order/
* BIRO VS BANANA - Matt Round writes - "Banana
skin is THE most satisfying surface for a biro,
if you don't believe me, you haven't tried it,
so I've created a gallery for this important art
form." This shit is bananas. B.A.N.A.N.A.S.
https://vole.wtf/biro-banana/
* THE TINY AWARDS, FULL RESULTS - Matt Muir
writes, "The inaugural Tiny Awards has a winner
- of over 300 nominated urls, whittled down to
16 shortlisted bits of digital whimsy, the
victorious site is... Rotating Sandwiches! You
can check out all the nominees on this
spreadsheet - literally HOURS of tiny, creative,
often incredibly weird fun. Thanks to everyone
who voted, shared or nominated, and see you next
year." If we can make a suggestion, next year
the judges' deliberations could be a YouTube
vid.
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1KIBPs2qE0Q...
* KLF BOOK 10TH ANNIVERSARY - John Higgs has
re-released his superb Drummondophile book but
with "director's commentary". We were very
pleased to go to the launch this week where this
very newsletter got a shout out for our early
promo of this invigorating book. Buy the pink
version now, it's like having Higgs whisper in
your ear, telling you to launch frightening art.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/139961035...
* HELP OUT AN OLD BADGER - Jonti Picking is in
pickle with YouTube demonestising his famous
badger song, which is fucking ridiculous. Surely
there's someone out there with the right
contacts who can help him?
https://twitter.com/TheWeebl/status/16841217600844...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
We love Hebtro our lovely sponsors
Despite Europe being on fire, it's been quite
tepid the last few weeks in the UK, so it's
probably time to buy some lovely clothes from
Hebtro. All built to last and made to the
highest quality. Ideal for sitting around
anxiously worrying about the world ending, but
looking stylish whilst you do it.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up like an owl pellet
Each week we ask you to type some bollocks into
a form vaguely on theme 'confessions' and we
tweet out a few in the hope you'll enjoy it
rather than shouting "didn't happen" or
complaining that it was funnier in 1984 when
Simon Bates was still running it.
* WORK TWATS - "In my first ever job, I was so
bored me & the other intern got into a game of
'email chicken': you send an email to the CEO
with subject 'you're a fucking cunt', wait 10
seconds and then recall it in Outlook. We
gradually upped the time, until one day the
other guy got sacked.
* PHONE THE SOCIAL - "My son is my 4th child. I
wanted to call him Thor because it sounds like
Four. Wife said it was stupid. I registered the
birth and called him Thor. Knocked up a fake
birth certificate with the approved name on it.
Won't tell her until he needs a passport."
* SEX BOASTS - "In my early 20s I fucked an
older woman, in the morning we swapped contact
details and when I gave her my quite unusual
full name her face whitened. She then asked if I
went to X primary school? Turns out she'd taught
me when I was 7 years old. She was mortified."
Join the people who only followed this account
thinking it was the funny one that posts new
hats for the Pet Shop Boys.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Still time to catch the 99p offer for the Kindle
version of the book. And the second book...
well, we've handed it in to the publisher this
week like a little teacher's swot, so look
forward to that.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
Next Fesshole Live coming up is at the Big Penny
Social in Walthamstow, London on the 7th Sep
2023. Buy tickets now so that you don't miss out
on the live event of the fucking year.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Like .net magazine but without the AOL cover disk
* HOW TO FIND PEOPLE - a slightly sinister video
which explains how to find locations via clues
in photos.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* HUMANS BEAT COMPUTERS - This group project
attempted to render a 3D picture by doing all
the calculations by hand. Quite a few people
obviously got their pixel's calculations wrong,
however, and will now be banished from geek club
forever.
https://humanshader.com
* FORUM SEARCH ENGINE - Most people know the
trick of adding the word Reddit to a Google
search if you want to bypass all the SEO
garbage. This search engine takes that a step
further by adding loads of other forums to its
trusted search list. If nothing else, it's nice
to get some unexpected results when you search
for your favourite subject. In our case, we got
to see someone's garage floor done out like Jet
Set Willy, which was nice.
https://crowdview.ai
* CUTE LETTERS GAME - A Chain Letters style game
in which you must try and discover all the words
that have an associated image to go with it.
Despite it dealing with four letter words, we've
yet to find any cutesy filth.
https://managore.itch.io/wordward-draw
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* THE AGE-GAP ROM-COM QUIZ - largely because
it's something we like to guess when watching
TV, guessing the age-gap between the leads.
* RECORD SHOPS IN MOVIES - we always like to
pause a film with a record shop in it and see if
we can work out the titles for sale. Book shops
too. So that's our mass collaboration suggestion
to index and research the lot. Would also throw
up fun like there being Duran Duran in a Woody
Allen movie.
* WORST NUMBER PLATES OF ALL TIME - on our dog
walk there's one of those BO55 number plates and
we figure if someone made a collaborative
gallery of the worst it might shame all the
dickheads into getting rid of them.
Don't be a gorm, use the form:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Bumholes to you - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'NOTTINGHAM' FESSHOLE
From time to time I take a couple of days off
work to visit Nottingham. This confuses my
colleagues and a rumour has circulated that I
visit a prostitute. In fact I go to Warhammer
World. Too embarrassed to correct them.
