NEWSLETTER: "THIS NEWSLETTER FAILED ITS A-LEVELS AND IS GOING TO SCUNTHORPE POLYTECHNIC TO STUDY BISCUIT TECHNOLOGY"
This Week:
* GAME - Can you 'Clone-a Lisa'?
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Shrinkflation
* TOY - Generation mediaeval beasties
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in case there's a web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| famine... together"
B3ta email 874 - 18 Aug 2023
Read this issue to your dead cat in a seance:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue874
Subscribe, you neeks: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making weird jam their kids hate
* CLONE-A LIZA - notorious pixel-botherer Matt
Round has made a game where you have to draw
Mona Lisa in less than 60 seconds and he tells
us, "I'll send a small prize (UK only) to the
first person to post a video showing them
getting 90%+ without cheating (I think it's
probably just about possible)." This is the most
entertainment you can have with your clothes on
or off.
https://vole.wtf/clone-a-lisa/
* WEIRD BEASTIE GEN - Dngdng writes, "I made
this endless mediaeval bestiary generator out of
old illustrations and descriptions of animals in
mediaeval manuscripts, which gives you a new
description of a weird old beast every time you
click on it." Fantastic, just what we didn't
know we wanted but desperately now need.
https://dngdng.itch.io/an-abundance-of-beasts
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes
Each week we implore you to buy some lovely,
hard-wearing clothes from our sponsor Hebtro.
Each item is lovingly made in the UK, to the
highest standards and built to last. Ideal gifts
for men, and best of all, purchasing them helps
support B3ta and Fesshole. Get stuck in you nude
people without clothes.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confession turned into thin content paste
Each week we ask you to shout your lies into the
void and we pick out a few for you to shout "I
DON'T BELIEVE IT" like a multi-headed cyber
Victor Meldrew.
* TROLL FROG - "For a laugh me and my mates once
put the Crazy Frog on repeat on a pub jukebox. I
mean, we put about £100 in the thing. We moved
on for a pub crawl only to come back hours later
to find a police van outside the pub due to
their being a massive fight."
* LUBRICATION - "Had to get the brakes inspected
on my first car. Mechanic couldn't find anything
wrong but did comment on how clean and shiny
they were. Smugly told him that I regularly
sprayed them with WD40 to prevent rust. The
memory of his laughter still makes me cringe 10
years later"
* A BIT OF KINDNESS - "I work in a pub. There's
an old boy called Tom, losing it a bit. He's
come in every Tuesday for decades and always
asks how I am and about my band. He thinks it's
still £3.50 a pint because I pay the other £1.70
myself and I can't break it to him that we're
now charging over a fiver."
Follow the account that only has a million
followers because people confused it with that
funny one that posts pictures of King Charles
wearing bras that don't fit.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Catch up on the best previous confessions by
buying the official Fesshole book, as compiled
by your sausage-aphile newsletter editor, with
graphic design from the only B3tan to be allowed
around children, Chris Barker.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
And announcing two more shows, one in Cambridge
and the other in Nottingham. We've also got
tickets for London and Leicester. Do come to
Fesshole Live and see your newsletter editor
extract confessions from a crowd like a 19th
century medicine-salesman working with snakes.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content for you to re-upload to GeoCities
* ANIMAL GUESSER - Your one-a-day challenge this
week is about animal taxonomy. Actually feels
like you might learn something if you play it
often enough, even if it's only some long words
to slip smugly into conversation when you spot a
rat in a bin.
https://metazooa.com/game
* SOCIAL MEDIA EXPERIMENT - An one-message
social media site on which you can only post if
you have more Twitter followers than the
previous poster. Currently Fesshole is winning
this game but will Elon take the win with one of
his cringe posts?
https://themessage.social
* AI SNOOP DOGG CHAT - This week AI is coming
for... Cameo. Have a stilted chat with a robot
Snoop Dogg and ask him about his love of Keeping
Up Appearances, the time he met Rod Hull on The
Word, or just have a play around with what
ChatGPT's like when the filter's off.
https://snop.dog
* FINALLY, LOOK AROUND YOU ON THE INTERNET DOT
CEEFAX - A lot of people are excited that THE
legendary comedy show of 2002-2005 is now on
iPlayer. See if you can spot the B3ta
contribution in the computer games episode.
https://bit.ly/449250N
* OH WHAT LOVELY SONG - The birthday of Robert
De Nero this week reminded us of this wonderful
Adam and Joe song. It'll be in your head
forever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sci-Fi : Cross The Streams
Here's the best images from last week:
* Wallace and Gromit take on the EMPIRE - thanks
S4RK
https://b3ta.com/board/11397181
* A lovely Hitchhikers tribute from Dick Wonder
https://b3ta.com/board/11397648
* And thanks to Chris Barker for this take on
Button Moon
https://b3ta.com/board/11397282
* See all the other images from the 'Sci-Fi :
Cross The Streams' challenge - turned out well
with over 100 entries. Nice.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scifimashup/popular
>> This week: Shrink It <<
Let's fire up the b3ta shrink ray and show what
happens when things get small.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/shrinkit/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
This section is hard to write so this week we're
going to ask the newsletter editor's 14 y/o son
to supply some ideas.
* GRR YOUNG PEOPLE - a site for middle-aged men
like my dad to moan that kids have no respect.
(Hmm - dad)
* WALLACE AND GROMIT PORN - stop motion
animation of Wallace buggering Gromit. (I don't
like this idea - dad)
* UNFOLLOW FESSHOLE - an app that checks whether
you are following Fesshole and reports you sad
nonces to the police. (You're grounded - dad)
Don't fail us, mail us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Right - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
Thanks to ??? for the subject line.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
Aged 53, I like to think of myself as something
of a farting expert. My 13 year old read that on
average people fart 10-20 times a day and so we
have been counting. Obviously keen to get my
numbers up and beat him, I've just shat myself.
