NEWSLETTER: "OPEN THIS NEWSLETTER OR ELSE WE'LL KEEP WRITING THEM"
This Week:
* SHED OF THE YEAR - Winner announced
* BEST OF FESSHOLE - each week, every week
* REAL NAME SPOONERISM - mend us sore
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're printing out the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | web and putting it in
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| the bin... together"
B3ta email 875 - 25 Aug 2023
Read this issue after huffing clown farts:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue875
Subscribe, you pooheads: https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their neighbours want to move
* SHED OF THE YEAR WINNER ANNOUNCED - Shed
called the Frankenshed wins the 17th Shed of
the year - Uncle Wilco tells us that a
"Londoner brings his rubbish shed back to life
- calls it The Frankenshed and wins Shed of the
year 2023. And yes, he does store his tools in
there." The hipsters have discovered sheds.
Christ on a bike.
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/share.cfm
* CLONE-A LISA UPDATE - Matt Round's game has
gone all round the internet and people are
making their shit drawings of Mona Lisa all over
the place, and in a small update to allow you
the best possible chance of scoring highly, for
power users, Matt has released an update where
"Super-competitive artists can now use keyboard
controls 1-8 colour, QWE brush, SPACE view
original" - ooh and there's now a slider too to
compare your work with the original.
https://vole.wtf/clone-a-lisa/
* DR MOONSHINE - Si Bennett writes, "Hello, I
just wrote and and recorded a song with two of
my idols from the 90's Morgan and Cass - from
Senseless Things, i use to go and watch them
play all around london when i was 14-15 years
old and never would of though that one day i'd
make some music with them.. thanks for reading..
hope you enjoy!"
https://b3ta.com/links/DR_MOONSHINE
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Have you considered buying some clothes, mate?
Each week we make the mild suggestion that it
would be a good idea to buy some clothes, as
Hebtro very kindly sponsors the B3ta newsletter
and the Fesshole CB Radio. Hebtro's clothes are
built to last, made in the UK and make perfect
gifts for awkward middle-aged men whom you don't
know what to get for.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions turned into internet likes
We run the definitive account for confession,
well there's that Postsecret one, but our one is
less arty and has more jokes, ok, we run the
number two accounts, whatever:
* BEANS - "I was 18 with my mates in
Wetherspoons, there was a table of girls just
across from us, I fancied one of them and my
mate suggested I send a drink, I decided to send
some beans, she realised it was me and we got
talking, 6 years later we are married, baked
beans found me my wife."
* TV ADVICE - "Had 58 inch TV mounted on wall in
the bedroom. Only lasted 2 years and went on the
blink. Seen a deal in Argos for another 58 inch
TV. After buying and taking home, I realised I'd
bought the same TV. Mounted the new one on the
wall, and wrapped the old one up in the
packaging and returned'
* PUBERTY - "My big bro told me that when I hit
puberty my balls would fall off and I'd grow new
big hairy ones. In sex ed the teacher asked if
we knew what changes would happen to our bodies
and I confidently shared this info. The class
broke into fits of laughter. Never lived it
down."
Join the account on the social platform that
absolutely no one calls X:
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Buy the book and help Bezo create new space
rockets.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
Come to the shows and help your editor pay his
tax bill, shows coming include London,
Cambridge, Leicester and Nottingham:
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
What a wonderful world wide web
* SHOOTY SHOOTY COUNTY COUNTY - Grim little
website that charts mass shootings in the US,
prompting B3tan hoppitygoestotown to observe,
"More mass shootings so far than days in the
year".
https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/
* NERD MUSIC - You didn't know you wanted to
watch the Thunderbirds theme tune played by an
orchestra, but it turns out, this is who you are
now.
https://b3ta.com/links/YouToob_seems_to_think_this...
* THE SILENCE OF THE JAMMS (ENDS) - The KLF
reemergence continues, with this opportunity to
buy their videos on DVD and Blu Ray. Apparently
it's less about making cash, and getting their
archive in order given Drummond is now in his
70s. We're still hoping for an audio box set
with the acid trance stuff.
https://shop.bfi.org.uk/23-seconds-to-eternity-dua...
* CLOCK OFF - As a newsletter that loves a
novelty clock, we're glad to see that The
Pudding have set up a subdomain just for the
purpose of making them. Their first launch is a
musical clock which plays a song that mentions
the current time, and makes you realise just how
many songs you'll never hear are out there.
https://pudding.cool/projects/clocks/songs/
* ARTY BOLLOCKS - This site takes a keyword and
generates a virtual gallery from the
Rijksmuseum's collection. B3tan contributor
Monkeon tells us, "One of my abandoned projects
was doing something similar with £10 or less art
on eBay, and I wish I'd finished that now."
https://rijkscollection.net
* KUBRICKY GOES BLOCKY - We're either 8 years
late for the original download, or 1 year late
for the in-browser launch, but this Atari
2600-esque adaptation of The Shining amused us
when we discovered it this week.
https://pippinbarr.com/lets-play-the-shining/info/
* READ WEIRD MANUALS - The Internet Archive's
Jason Scott writes, "I've gone through 3 million
manuals in the Internet Archive's collections
and produced a 'Manuals Showcase', a few dozen
manuals that are sure to catch your eye here and
there. Readable online, downloadable, and
ad-free."
http://archive.org/details/manuals_showcase
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: REAL PEOPLE SPOONERISM
Switching the initial consonants for fun
Raki writes, "I used to work at a company which
managed electoral roll data. We used to, um,
'check' the data, for quality purposes of
course. The best one we found was: Mrs Carey
Hunt."
Probably not the same person but we've googled
to see if this is possible and it absolutely is.
https://where-inc.com/our-brokers/agent-110-Carey-...
If you've spotted one - do email us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* REALISTIC STAN SIMULATOR - Thinking of the
scratchy pen noise all over Eminem's Stan - and
a possible but v difficult game where you have
to scrawl 'Dear Slim, I wrote you, but you still
ain't callin'' etc in time to the beat.
* YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOTH - We would probably
quite enjoy a social media account that only
posted GIFS of people using electric
toothbrushes wrong in movies.
* THE BEATLES ARE DOGS, THE STONES ARE CATS -
maybe you can get a book out of this thought
that briefly passed through our mind whilst
trying to get this damn newsletter out.
Don't fail us, mail us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
BONUS IDEA: That story about a woman punching a
horse in the news makes us think a horse
punching game could be funny "I punched a horse
178 times in one minute, can you beat me?"
Something we would have deffo pitched for a
UsVsTh3m thing back in the day, and probably
been talked out of.
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (No problemo - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS FESSHOLE
"Was at a party over the weekend, got absolutely
wrote off on all sorts. Woke up naked in a bed
with my wife and another woman, apparently the
greatest night of my life and I don't remember a
single thing."
