NEWSLETTER: "IT'S LIKE TEN THOUSAND SPOONERISMS WHEN ALL YOU KNEED IS A NIFE"
This Week:
* ART - 500+ churches drawn in pixels, but why?
* SWEARCLOCK - The long awaited return, oh baby
* MONEY OFF - Matt Round's voyage of genius/madness
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | selling bits off and
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| putting it the Woolwich"
B3ta email 886 - 31st Nov 2023
Shamone. Read issue in a (hee-hee) high voice:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue886
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making the police investigate
* PIXEL CHURCH ODDESSEY - Craig Robinson writes,
"For the last year and a half I've been working
on a project to do a wee pixelly drawing of
every church in the world. All 37 million of
them. I've done 586 so far. But it *is* my
intention to live long enough to complete the
project." We've done the maths and if Craig
completes this project he'll be 100,000 years
old and hopefully we'll still be writing ASCII
newsletters too.
https://www.instagram.com/everychurchintheworld
* SWEARCLOCK IS BACK BACK BACK - your
increasingly young editor writes, "I've just
spent a day of my life bringing my swearing
clock back to life - don't tell me I'm wasting
my time." Well if you want a byzantinely rude
time-check on the hour, then the project that
accidentally birthed Fesshole is for you.
https://twitter.com/swearclock
* GET MATT ROUND'S NEW PROJECT, WITH MONEY OFF -
our cyber chum Matty has been working on his
magnum-opus, a platform to be launched on
Christmas Day complete with weird apps, games
and video & even a terrible programming language
to keep the retro nerds happy. He tells us,
"Ticket money has all gone to contributors
because I'm bad at capitalism." He's also set up
promo code CH3AP for 30% off tickets. We can't
wait to see the finished version, the
development log has been fascinating.
https://vole.wtf/arcc/
* INTRODUCING HEAD-SWAPPER PRO 2000 - DngDng
writes, "I made a kind of fun little 'head
swapper' thing using Victorian animal
illustrations, which I called 'Brids, Sfish and
other Amals' for some reason." Hooray,
head-swaps are now automated, no more
graverobbing for us.
https://dngdng.itch.io/brids-sfish-and-other-amals
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Gift ideas for those awkward Christmas bastards
We keep mentioning that our sponsor Hebrtro is
stuffed with great ideas for Christmas presents
for the men in your life and they've finally got
round to making a page specifically for gifts.
All made in the UK to exacting standards and
built to last, because a Hebtro product is for
life and not just for Christmas.
https://hebtro.co/product/iron-shirt
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions squirted out like liquid
diarrhoea
Each week you piss up your lies into the
Fesshole urinal and, we, the landlord, slop out
the stinkiest bits back into the beer barrel and
sell it again:
* T FOR TAX - "Builder spent the week listing
ways he dodged tax and the houses he owned when
I brought him cuppas. On the last day he asked
for cash and I told him I worked for the HMRC -
I don't - and would need an invoice. Never came
back for the money. Result."
* MUNCHAUSEN - "I once had a heart attack in
front of the family, it really shocked the kids
who are now teenagers but not enough for the
shits to do what they are told, so every so
often when I find myself shouting at them, I
stop and fake another episode, that mobilises
the little bastards."
* BUSINESS OP - "In my friend group I'm always
the one who books all the big trips and events.
When requesting the money off everyone I always
ask for at least £5 over the actual price.
Individually a small difference but it can
easily net a nice £50 profit which I see as more
of a booking fee."
Follow the account that only has a million
followers because Matthew Smith never made Manic
Miner II and people have fuck all else to do:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows to see your "handsome"
newsletter editor dick around in a bishop's hat:
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
But the new Fesshole book that made us almost
weep in production when we had to submit a
second version to the publisher because
apparently "250 fan drawings of Eddie Shoestring
from BBC's 1980 detective drama Shoestring isn't
what you promised, Rob."
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
You know, URLS, remember them?
* SILLY EUPHEMISMS - Enjoyable quiz in which you
must guess the object from the two-word
tip-of-your-tongue descriptions. Limp toast -
bread. That sort of thing.
https://vividfax.itch.io/noun-noun
* BRICKING IT - There are hundreds of Lego
minifigures out there, but which is best?
There's only one way to find out... the Hot or
Not format, of course.
https://brickelo.com
* HAGGLE FOR TAT JUST LIKE ARTHUR DALEY - AI
stuff tends to only be fun when you're playing
against its limitations. In this case, can you
persuade Metal Mickey to drop the prices on his
car boot tat? You can actually buy the stuff, so
presumably a front for eBay drop-shipping,
albeit an imaginative one.
https://aigaragesale.com
* BREAK-OUT, BUT WITH YOUR BROWSER - the kind of
webby experiment we liked twenty years ago and
honestly still quite like now.
https://brickception.xyz/
* SALAD FINGERS HAILED AS 'INFLUENTIAL' - good
to see old B3tans getting plaudits in proper
publications. He certainly influenced us to be
scared of salad.
https://theconversation.com/salad-fingers-wasnt-ju...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the brain penis
* GROTIFY WRAPPED - your shareable list of
terrible midi files that you've listened to most
this year. Our favourite is of course Rock DJ by
Robbie Williams.
* SPREAD THE CILIA IS DEAD CONSPIRACY THEORY -
There's the theory that Paul McCartney died and
was replaced in 1966, but what if it was
actually Cilla who was replaced? It would
explain how she sang some perfectly OK singles
in the sixties before this utterly hellish
foghorn emerged which could kill fish.
* DOCTOR WHO NEW MONSTERS VS OLD - a data
analysis of every story in Who and marking them
for if they used a new monster, or revived an
old one. Just curious really, how the show has
ebbed and flowed in making new stuff, vs
nostalgia. Oh shit that's a sensible content
idea and not a joke, bums, er... imagine you
shoes get 'regenerated' when you wear them out &
replace them, and sing the Doctor Shoe theme
tune.
Go on, take a shit in our inbox, you cowards:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: READERS QUESTIONS
Captain? I said "Wotsits"
Andrew Aoakley writes, "There are two types of
Wotsits, right? I don't mean different flavours,
I mean different size and density of corn puff.
One has a wider diameter and more puffy air
holes. The other is narrower and more dense.
There is no way to tell which you'll get until
you open a packet?" So if you know how to
predict the Wotsits, then get in touch, and also
if you've got an eccentric question which isn't
obviously answered by two seconds of googling
also get in touch.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (I literally used to run
that Maccaface Tumblr Rob)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SEX' FESSHOLE
"Had a saucy affair with a work colleague a few
years back. The sex was incredible, nothing off
limits. One time she asked me to defecate on her
chest. Not really my thing but agreed. Probably
wasn't the best idea given I'd had a madras the
night before. Had to get a new job."
