NEWSLETTER: "THE SECOND BEST ENTERTAINMENT YOU CAN HAVE OUTSIDE OF A GOOD SHIT"
This Week:
* SHED OF THE YEAR - *Your* entries wanted
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - imagine some Beatles games
* JOKES - Expert explains how LOLS work
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by organising Web AID
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| with Nik Kershaw & Sade"
B3ta email 892 - 19th Jan 2024
Read this issue to your postman who'd prefer a tip:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue892
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than subscribing to Saga magazine
* SHED OF THE YEAR - B3TANS NEEDED - Old school
b3tan Uncle Wilco writes, "Shed of the year is
back for it's 18th year - about time you entered
b3tans. In 2007 I had been lurking on b3ta for
about 3 years, BUT I also created the Shed of
the year competition. The first winner was a
Roman Temple (Still one of my fav sheds ever).
So this year celebrate the 18th year by adding
your shed to the competition, there is a £1000
prize and a plaque for the winning sheddie." So
all you David Camerons, get out of your wanking
sheds and submit your work.
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/share.cfm
* HOW JOKES IN 'THE SIMPSONS' WORK - Joel Morris
writes, "I made a video analysing how the jokes
work in two minutes of an episode of The
Simpsons. It"s longer than an episode of The
Simpsons. Why is the video so big? Because
comedy is really clever. And big. In fact, it"s
so big and clever that I've written a book about
it, which is coming out in March, and is
hopefully also both big and clever." This is
fucking brilliant and we hope Joel makes more
episodes like this as well as the book being a
smash.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* ZX SPECTRUM CONVERSION OF 'SUNAK BINS' GAME -
Joefish has taken Dave Bagpuss's Sunak Bins game
he launched on b3ta and converted it to the
humble Speccy and writes, "It's here, the 48K
ZX Spectrum game of the B3ta game of the 7 Bins
of Sunak!" If you scroll down you can download a
.TAP file to play in a ZX Spectrum emulator, or
click on the 'JSSpeccy' or 'QAOP' links to play
in a browser emulator. Keys are Q/A-Up/Down,
O/P-Left/Right and SPACE or M to fire. Next week
we convert Buffy's Swearing Keyboard to the VIC
20. "Beep"
https://spectrumcomputing.co.uk/entry/42657/ZX-Spe...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You know you want to BUY some clothes, oh yes
Have you ever looked down at your naked flesh
and wondered why you are cold and regularly
damaging your skin? The answer is at hand
because the mad scientists at Hebtro have
invented some things called "clothes" which
cover up your shame and protect your frail bits.
All made in the UK to the highest standards and
built to last. Go on, treat yourself, it's
better than the merch stall at ABBA Voyage.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions fessed up like a cat vomiting
Each week you shit your lies into a big Google
form, with nearly 250,000 entries in it, and
hope for the Fesshole admin fairy to tweet out
one of yours with the possibility of making
strangers laugh or despair. Our three favs this
week included:
* WIFE - "Wife and sister in law made me and
brother-in-law go out to the pub for 'bonding'.
Sat in silence drinking for 2 hours. Absolute
fucking perfection"
* WIFE - "My wife has a favourite chippy.
Apparently it's won regional awards. Problem is,
it's twenty minutes drive away. Whenever she
sends me out for a chippy tea, I just go to the
one five minutes away on the high street. She
always says after it's the best chippy she's
ever had"
* WIFE - "In the late 90s Champ Manager
literally ruined my life. Stayed up playing all
night & crashed my work van the next day falling
asleep at the wheel. Got sacked. Wife ended up
leaving me. But I did win the Premier League
with Southport which remains my greatest life
achievement."
This is where we suggest that you follow the
Twitter account by making up some bollocks that
it's only popular because people mistake it for
the funny one where celebrities do impressions
of Robert Smith on the toilet. (It's also
available on Threads, Blue Sky and Mastodon.)
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Do come to the live shows - we're in Leicester,
Cambridge, Glasgow, Dublin. Northampton &
Brighton soon so buy the fucking tickets and
turn up OK?
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course how could we forget to promo the
second Fesshole book The Second Coming, no that
was the Stone Roses LP, The New Fesstiment,
that's it. Guaranteed not to include Ian Brown
too.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
WebUser magazine hotlinks ahoy!
* 'MATCH TO' GAME - A 2048 variant, which we
found to be nice and relaxing to play, though
we're pretty sure it's almost entirely luck and
very little skill involved.
https://edoweiss.itch.io/match-to
* ODD GRAPHICS - A collection of really
impressive hand-coded animation loops. MC Escher
would approve (or be angry and jealous - we've
no idea what his temperament was).
https://bleuje.com/randomanimations/
* NOSTALGIA HIT - An orchestra plays the 56k
dialup modem handshake. Next week can we have
Tears For Fears play the tape-loading sound of
Spannerman on the AMSTRAD CPC?
https://youtube.com/watch
* BBC BASIC IS THE BEST BASIC - Amazing page
where the thumbnails aren't images, they're
generated by a BBC Micro emulator running all
those programs super-fast in your browser. You
can hover over one & it resumes running, hit ESC
and you can start typing commands
https://bbcmicrobot.com
* MORE GAMES THAT YOU'D EVER WANT - Matt Round
tells us that there are "some great games in
this list" and frankly we can't be arsed to play
them all, too many fucking games. But at least
the top one is good, as it's the Pacman one we
mentioned a few weeks back. That game also got
plaudits from B3ta contributor Dave Bagpuss who
apparently spent a weekend addicted to it.
Speaking of Dave Bagpuss - look out for a new
Sunak game from him soon - we've seen the
preview and it's looking great.
https://www.stuff.tv/features/best-free-browser-ga...
* 3D MAP OF SCOTTISH GRITTERS - some find the
"Gary Gritter" stuff a bit twee but somehow
seeing all the names ploughing across a map in
real time utterly charmed us.
https://experience.arcgis.com/experience/92a86955e...
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: WHAT THE KIDS ARE WATCHING
B3tans dob in their children
Confirmed Bt3an Gub~gub writes, "Suggestion for
the Newsletter: links to stuff your kids are
showing you to break our grey-haired brains.
Some of the stuff my kid shows me is mental,
which is something I thought we invented."
OK to kick this off we'll ask one of the
official newsletter children and they
recommended 'Roadman Peppa Pig' - well you can
guess exactly how this plays out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
If your kids have a suggestion then get in
touch:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
The Puppet Art Gallery
Here's the best images from last week:
* '@LEXISTWIT' is here to remind you who also
died when Rod fell from the roof
https://b3ta.com/board/11403114
* 'CAPTAIN HOWDY' makes an image we'd happily
see on a cover of a Magic Roundabout acid-house
concept album
https://b3ta.com/board/11403149
* 'OCTO' reminds us that Sooty is a little
fuckwit who should have his ears kicked off
https://b3ta.com/board/11403044
* See all the other images from the 'The Puppet
Art Gallery' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/puppetart/popular
>> This week: Beatles Games <<
With the exception of Flip Your Wig, most
Beatles games have been pretty boring things
like Rock Band or special editions of Monopoly.
Let's correct this by designing Beatles-themed
games that actually look fun. Show us what
Maxwell's Silver Hammer on the SNES, or Hungry
Hungry Ringos look like.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/beatlesgames/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous "stories"
* MUSEUM REACHES OUT - Joshua Nall writes, "Hi
B3ta, I'm the Director of the Whipple Museum of
the History of Science in Cambridge. Firstly, I
just wanted to thank you for linking to Benjamin
Blundell's wonderful blog in the most recent
newsletter, and for shouting out the Museum in
the process. We're a small institution and it's
always great to get some publicity that might
bring more b3tans to our door. We've already
received one calculator donation offer as a
result! I'm an old b3tan myself, having been a
semi-active board-member back in the 'hammering
F5' golden era of circa 2001-5. Finally, I
wanted to offer up an amusing coda to the story
of the Hookham collection. The Daily Telegraph,
where an obscure hack picked it up and penned a
rather scathing attack piece. It's clear that
the author was an out of touch snob with very
little grasp of what makes museums interesting.
The author's name? Boris Johnson!"
https://images.app.goo.gl/AvTYD9wBLxbcBtMw8
* GASH OR TASH - We just googled a terrible old
quiz we published on B3ta twenty years ago and
apparently it's had a life of its own and it's
out there causing trouble. Sorry.
https://mancunion.com/2022/02/15/five-complaints-f...
* FLATTERY - Mike Jahn writes, "Thanks to the
Metro article, having now seen the editor's real
in-real-life face, I had never imagined said
editor to be a rugged, sexy beast like that."
Twenty-three years of writing this newsletter
and finally we get the kind of feedback we want
to hear. And here's his face again for those who
want to experience the raw masculinity of an
ASCII newsletter editor.
https://metro.co.uk/2024/01/01/meet-shipping-forec...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea minge
* CALC-O-BOOBIES - given you can write 'boobies'
on a calculator, write code that discovers every
possible rude word to entertain the kids, still
using calculators and not some app on their
phone.
* CELEBRITY-BRANDED DOG FOOD - we can totally
see it: Kylie's Little Pooch for your handbag
pups, Tyson Fury's Meaty Chunks for your XL
Bullies. Mr Beast already sounds like a dog food
brand.
* CAMPAIGN FOR THE NEXT TUBE LINE TO BE CALLED
THE 'CHARLES LINE' TO CELEBRATE KING CHARLES -
also it would allow people to make 'line of
charlie' jokes forevermore.
Do get in touch, your handsome editor reads
everything you send, including all the proposals
of marriage and offers of cash for handjobs.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (that is ok - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh and friends tell friends to subscribe to the
B3ta newsletter, that really is the most useful
thing you could do with your life at this moment
in time.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'WIFE' FESSHOLE
"Had a big fall out with wife and ended up
sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was
still there when she left each night and there
before her each morning and gave me a promotion.
Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight
ever."
