NEWSLETTER: "NO RESTRAINING ORDER CAN KEEP THIS NEWSLETTER FROM STALKING YOUR INBOX"
This Week:
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Star Trek sings
* SPACE 1999 - topical gags ahoy
* RISHI SUNAK - oh god, don't click this
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | sending a load of bottle
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| tops to Jimmy Wales"
B3ta teletext-email 897 - 23rd Feb 2024
Read this issue sobbing over your spilt "milk"
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue897
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their children despair
* SPACE 1999 JOKE - because B3ta is always
topical 'Avr2' has produced this joyful little
gag that mashes up sci-fi and everyone's
favourite Richard E Grant movie that's not the
Spice Girls one.
http://b3ta.com/links/1613057
* SUNAK IS A C*** - Dave Bagpuss Forsey has been
amusing himself by getting our lovely Prime
Minister to say a very rude word indeed. What a
scamp.
https://b3ta.com/links/Rishi_Sunak_is_happy_to_say...
* MUSHROOM - 'Rowlification' has made a quick
little mushroom gag that's quite sweet really.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Mushroom_Man
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on buy some lovely clothes you lovely people
Our sponsors have one mission in life: to
improve the dress sense of badly dressed B3tans.
For the simple application of money, you too can
throw away your potato sacks and dress like a
king. Go on, you deserve it, and every penny
spent helps keep the lights on with our
projects. Also, it's all made in the UK, to the
highest standards and built to last.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses shared because you won't shut up
Several years ago we realised if we were going
to able to keep the newsletter going we needed
some strands of repeatable content rather than
re-inventing the wheel every week and therefore
mucked around with a few ideas like "The Meaning
Of GIFF" and "I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke" but
it was this one that stuck. Here's our favs this
week:
* EMBARRASSING - "Joined a film club at uni to
impress a girl. We began talking about James
Bond and I made lots of well thought out and
clever points about how and why Daniel Craig was
the perfect embodiment of the character.
Realised afterwards I had called him Craig David
throughout."
* DO THE MATHS - "Soon after I got my two dogs,
I trained them to shit right at the doorway of
my local Conservative Club. They now do this
most days, morning and evening. By the end of
their - and probably my life - they will have
crapped there around 5,904 times. Conservative
estimate."
* DON'T DO THIS - "I've just had my first
evening of playing video games and getting
pissed. Best night ever. It's lucky I've only
just discovered this. I'm a 40 year old woman
earning £400k a year. I'd have never made it in
my career if I'd found this earlier."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people are hoping that your newsletter
editor will accidently post a photo of his
balls:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Come to the live show, of which Nice Cup Of Tea
And A Sit Down author Nicey said: "A wonderfully
crafted piece of entertainment with the full
gamut of human emotions but mostly laughs".
We've just played Cambridge and loved it, and
the next one is Glasgow. Tickets are also
available for Brighton, Dublin & Northampton.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Ah fuck it, buy the second book, what's the
worst than can happen? You have another unread
book on your shelf, and something for your kids
to throw in the tip once you die.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Also available with subtitles on 888 dot com
* POINTLESS GAME - Get an idea what it's like
for Rishi Sunak having another cabinet reshuffle
in this advanced deck chair simulator.
https://alvinhermans.itch.io/rearranging-the-deck-...
* YOU ARE THE MAZE - A simple platform-puzzler
in which you're the map maker rather than the
main character. Rather addictive, even though a
bug got us trapped in one of the rooms forever
and the prudes won't let you put POO in the high
score table.
https://securas.itch.io/terramaker
* HORRIBLE SINGING - The Pudding's done some
more of their pop research to find out who made
the most warbly racket when belting out the
National Anthem at the Super Bowl. A bit too
American, and doesn't feature everyone's
favourite version by Enrico Pallazzo.
https://pudding.cool/2024/02/anthems/
* "SHE'S A TRUTHER, JERRY" - Quite enjoyed
reading this imagined script of what Seinfield
would be like dealing with 9/11.
https://randomnerds.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Augmented Reality
We told you we'd fuck up the two good challenges
in a row with one that would flop. Still a
handful of fun images.
* 'HAPPYTOAST' gives us his take on the robotic
future
https://b3ta.com/board/11404196
* 'MONKEON' makes something which requires you
to have some quite specific culture knowledge to
get, but is pretty much like our life.
https://b3ta.com/board/11404303
* 'PLANKTON' points out exactly what this is all
turning us into
https://b3ta.com/board/11404263
* See all the other images from the 'Augmented
Reality' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/augmentedreality/popular
>> This week: Star Trek sings <<
Everyone loves the records William Shatner and
Leonard Nimoy put out, but what other music are
we missing from the Star Trek universe? Design
record covers for the characters, or just mash
up existing albums and pop moments with
everything Trek. And you know what, it's looking
pretty solid, getting some great entries. B3ta
is back, baby!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/startreksings/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups & other shit that doesn't fit
elsewhere
* HAVE YOU NOTICED ANY RIDICULOUS CELEBRITY
SCHEDULES? After we mentioned the Gregg Wallace
stuff the other week, Matt Round is looking for
some more examples so he can turn it into a
project.
https://twitter.com/mattround/status/1760982042513...
* HEY HEY 16K(OMICS) - Mark Hibbert tells us,
"My book is straight into the Amazon (Popular
Culture section) Top Ten (Thousand) with a
bullet at number nine (thousand and twelve)!" At
the current price of £89.95 we're not sure we're
going to buy this just yet but we're glad Mark
is keeping himself busy.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0CLHJWHL...
* HELP AN OLD COMPUTER RESEARCH PROJECT -
Nhscher writes, "I'm trying to find old computer
games for VAX/PDP-10 computers including
Tetris, Mastermind, Goldrunner, Monsta" and I
can be contacted on Tumblr or Discord under the
handle i8sigmapi.
* B3TAN SPENDS 30 YEARS MAKING AN ALBUM - Fred
Zeppelin writes, "I and three others have made a
Record, proper vinyl as well as digital for the
go-aheads."
https://b3ta.com/links/Thirty_Years_In_The_Making_...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* DEAD RIGHT - You can't libel the dead, so open
a social media account that waits for
celebrities to die and then automatically libels
the fuck out of them.
* TODAY"S IMAGINARY PODCAST: just thinking how
it"s hard as an adult to find new friends. So
each week we audition a new one, and we do some
activities together, to see if they could be my
new friend. Stuff we like doing like writing
shit comedy songs, and drinking a lot of booze
and shouting.
* DAMN WITH FAINT PRAISE - an international
competition to review popular things in a very
lacklustre kind of way. "The spelling was mostly
excellent". Yes this is a filler suggestion
produced from looking in our book of idioms, for
inspiration.
Do message us, we've read everything you've sent
it for 20+ years and now we're very tired.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Righto - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta
newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
against the unelected blob by telling your
friends to sign up.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'TEABAGGING' FESSHOLE
More of a braghole than a Fesshole. But I have
the best job in the world. I get paid to drink
tea. I'm a tea taster for a large tea company.
Sometimes I also get to travel to amazing places
across the world to sample teas. I'm living the
dream.
