NEWSLETTER: "THE ONE WHERE THE CAST OF FRIENDS COOK AND EAT A DOG"
This Week:
* INTERACTIVE - Find out what celebs are 'doing'
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE - Art on a budget
* STAR TREK SINGS - the fabulous results
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | you're saving the web,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| spiders are saving the web"
B3ta nerds waiting to chat (0)898 - 1st Mar 2024
Read this issue out on Jackanory, you cowards:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue898
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their probation officer sad
* TICK-TOCK, CELEBRITY CLOCK - Matt Round has
been monitoring what celebs are up to all day
long in his celeb clock, examples that made us
laugh include "Pope Francis is having a
self-service cafeteria dinner." We bet you are
you dirty old bollocks.
https://vole.wtf/celeb-clock/
* BO RAP vs FOOD - Chairman L'Mao has made a
version of Bohemian Rhapsody which got an
enthusiastic reaction from fellow b3tan Dave
Bagpuss Forsey, who says, "It's brilliant, the
amount of time and effort he spent on writing,
recording, filming, editing. Wonderful stuff."
https://b3ta.com/links/Fast_Food_Rhapsody
* STAR WARS STOP MOTION, IN PROGRESS -
BarryFromTheShitFarm writes, "Decided to have a
go at making a comedic Star Wars fan film. I'll
probably never finish it or it'll be shit -
either way, here's a preview for anyone into
this sort of thing." This looks promising, good
luck lad.
https://b3ta.com/links/1613310
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Lovely clothes, to clothe your lovely bodies
Each week we write some copy to implore you to
buy clothing from our handsome sponsors Hebtro
and each week some of you even do. And this
means we can afford to spend the time it takes
running B3ta and the various ungainly offshoots.
Hebtro's clothes are built to last, made in the
UK, and make ideal gifts for the men in your
life because what man doesn't need jeans, socks
and sturdy jackets? Yes, ALL men do.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions slamming into your face like
trains
At some point long ago we were bored one
afternoon and thought "get people to submit some
confessions, that'll be amusing for a couple of
days" and nearly five years later we are trapped
in a hell of our own making. So a pox on all
your houses. Best ones this week:
* INTERVIEW ADVICE - "Interviewer for a tech
company. To weed out 'tech bros' we always put a
male and female engineer in the interview
session together. If when the female engineer
asks the candidate a question he directs his
answer to the male engineer, then he doesn't get
the job."
* FUCK OFF, KIDS - "I'm due to retire shortly
but overheard my daughters discussing how great
it will be when I'm free to look after my
grandchildren much more. So just spoke to my
boss and agreed to stay on, if I have to work in
my old age I'm going to bloody well get paid for
it."
* TRUTH - "I work for the civil service, we're
all underpaid, we all have some extremely
important aspect of society in our control,
every department is one nervous breakdown from
going under and life would be dystopia without
us, you fuckers have no idea."
Follow the account that only has followers
because Elon Musk despises you and wants
everyone to suffer under bad content.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows - the next one up is Glasgow
and it's in a lovely old church, probably the
best looking venue we've played. Also available
is Northampton, Brighton & Dublin. You see it
was our secret plan all along, soften you up
with 20+ years of shit newsletters then pivot to
a live comedy show that teeters between actually
quite funny and disturbing.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, normally we stick a
self-deprecating joke here but we're too lazy to
write one so instead have a quote someone left
on Amazon, "As you get older it seems those
times when you are laughing and crying so hard
that you cannot inhale become more and more
rare. This book, this book is the cure."
although for balance we'll also mention a bad
review: "Has to be the least amusing 'book' I
have ever bought. Got as far as page 12 before
donating to a charity shop. Interestingly it"s
still for sale there a month later, at 25p."
Thanks Dad.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BEEFS
Type these URLs into your wap browser
* U2'S 'LEMON' THE INTERACTIVE WORD QUIZ -
Wordle's legacy continues to fill the internet
with charming daily word games, sadly at a far
slower rate than Sam Altman can fill it with
shit. In this lemon-themed game, you must
squeeze in the letters to make new words.
https://imsqueezy.com
* SOOTHING WORDS FOR YOUR DEVS - Positive
affirmations for the stressed-out techie in your
life. Forward it to them with your 6th password
reset request of the day.
https://srenity.online
* HEADS OR TAILS? People mocked Justin Lee
Collins for turning Heads or Tails into a
game-show, but this site shows the format can be
actually quite addictive. Particularly because
the picture story approach means you want to see
what coin's coming next. Good times!
https://downpour.games/~v/flip
* TAKING AN IN-JOKE TOO FAR IS ONLY A GOOD THING
- A computer game magazine's mildly amusing
running gag becomes something truly impressive
at the end.
https://ff8isthe.best/2024/02/the-game-magazine-th...
* "YOU WAKE UP, IT'S 9:05AM" - Enjoyed playing
this simple text aventure which apparently is a
classic of the indie text adventure revival era,
takes you about 5 minutes and it's enjoyable how
it fucks with you.
https://adamcadre.ac/if/905.html
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Star Trek sings
This has been a pretty great image challenge,
we're clearly living in a golden age of B3ta.
Actually, since we've realised that B3ta is a
life-long project, we estimate that we're less
than half-way through it, so buckle up, there's
plenty of shite to come.
* 'ASCII TITS' is asking Ian Curtis to 'cling
on'
https://b3ta.com/board/11404479
* 'MONKEON' is going through his Morrisey
phase(r)
https://b3ta.com/board/11404583
* 'HAPPY TOAST' is living in a Mirror universe
and wearing an evil beard
https://b3ta.com/board/11404587
* See all the other images from the 'Star Trek
sings' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/startreksings/popular
>> This week: Art on a budget <<
How is the art world coping with the cost of
living crisis? Does the girl now have a plastic
earring? Have the Nighthawks resorted to getting
wrecked in a Wetherspoons?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artonabudget/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on older stories
* LINK INCEPTION - Last week we mentioned that
Mj Hibbett of Hey Hey 16k has a book out, and
he's written a bit covering that we covered him,
so that now we're covering that. Phew.
https://www.mjhibbett.co.uk/blog/showblog.php
* BUY SOME ART - And in a follow up to last
week's 'Star Trek goes pop' image challenge,
Happy Toast has made his Revolver image for sale
as canvas print.
https://www.redbubble.com/i/canvas-print/SciFi-Alb...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* MISS YOU DAD - just thinking about all the old
ravers dying. There's loads of youtube comments
under classic tracks going "this was my dad's
favourite track - miss you dad" - and how
reading those out over moody synths would
probably be quite affecting.
* CHAT-HRH - Matt Round writes, "If you need a
suggestion for the newsletter: replace the
royals' jobs with AI instead of everyone else's,
probably just need to say 'What do you do?' &
wave a lot." Maybe it could occasionally lay an
illuminati egg.
* FLICK THE BEAN, THE COMPUTER GAME - draw
people in with the rude title, and then give
them a game where you have to flick baked-beans
off your plate into the faces of other dinners
in your local cafe.
Send us a message and we can promise that your
editor, Rob Manuel, will read it. He might just
shrug, but he'll read it.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (that is quite alright
eggs - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta
newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
against the unelected blob by telling your
friends to sign up.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'PETTY' FESSHOLE
"Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On
way there they text to say they'd sold to
someone else. Stalked their profile until they
posted they were in search of something. Said I
had it. When they turned up, I told them I'd
just sold it someone else instead."
