NEWSLETTER: "THE ONLY NEWSLETTER LEGALLY OLD ENOUGH HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD CHILD AND LET HIM HAVE A SMALL AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL WITH HIS MEAL"
This Week:
* JAWS - with 'improved' music
* NEW CHALLENGE - Royal Photoshop Disasters
* CHALLENGE RESULTS - Star Wars vs Adverts (good)
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the wob
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | wob wob by bringing back
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| triple dub step"
B3ta e-fax newsletter 900 - 15th Mar 2024
Read this issue to your nearly dead fish. FEED THEM!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue900
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: SPONSORED LINK
Buy some tickets to "fly" a starship
Ever wanted to fly a starship? Now"s your chance
to take the helm. Gather your crew for Bridge
Command - launching on 27 March.
https://bit.ly/bridgecommand2
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making bees jump off tiny cliffs
* JAWS - 'AVR2' has reimagined the score to the
Spielberg 'Alien in the sea' movie, and it
amused us more than it should have.
https://b3ta.com/links/Jaws_the_lost_1980s_updated...
* ALAN SUGAR, THE 'HMMM' PRENTICE - Beardy
bigwig Alan Sir Sugar Lord hums along to the
theme tune from his favourite TV show. Thanks
Dave Bagpuss Forsey for this bit of humongous
editing.
https://b3ta.com/links/Alan_Sugar_The_Hmm_prentice
* ALF PODCAST - Ricardo Autobahn writes,
"ALFsplaining is a love letter to one of the
more oddball sitcom phenomenons of the 80s, in
which a high-octane space-aardvark crashlands
into a cookie-cutter sitcom family. Very little
actual 'splaining goes on, we more try to
desperately make sense of what's happening on a
sitcom that barely lasted two years on regional
ITV." Honestly, we spent half the afternoon
chatting to Richard on messages and he convinced
us that Alf is worth investigating. Or we've
lost our minds.
https://linktr.ee/alfsplaining
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on, buy so clothes, you know you want to
Official sponsors of B3ta and Fesshole, Hebtro,
make wonderful clothes (we're wearing one of
their belts as we type this). There's shirts,
jeans, coats: basically, rugged stuff for men.
Ideal as gifts either for the rugged men in your
life or for yourself. All made in the UK to the
highest standards and they don't even ask to vet
what copy we're going to write so we could write
"SAUSAGES" and it would be fine. Anyway, check
out their threads.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confesses confessed up as fess-content
Each week you shit some lies into a bin and we
pull out a couple to chuck up on MySpace so Tom
can say "thanks for the add" and our favs at the
mo:
* HOW I GOT ARRESTED - "In Tesco with adult
daughter. She'd gone ahead, found her looking in
the freezer and thought it would be hilarious to
shove her in. She fell in. I laughed a lot, then
looked up to see daughter standing at end of
aisle. I'd shoved a random stranger in the
freezer."
* WHAT FENTON DID NEXT - "Caught short on a
woodland walk, I ducked behind some bushes to
take a dump. When I was doing up my trousers, a
dog wandered over to me so I hurried away. Then
heard the dog's owner: 'Jesus wept, Dexter,
that's a big one!' I think she picked up my shit
in a bag."
* TAXI FOR TINDER - "I once had a shag with a
guy on Tinder. In the middle of it his
girlfriend rang. I ended it there and then. He
ordered me an Uber to my house, which was a 10
ride, but I carried on into Manchester to meet
some mates. Cost him 63."
Follow it if you like, who the fuck cares by
this point, you'll enjoy it if you like that
sort of thing or you won't. Actually no, do
follow the Mastodon version, that needs more
love as it's only got a couple of thousand
follows:
https://mastodon.social/@fesshole
The next gig is Glasgow and it's nearly sold out
so we need to start making some serious noise
for Dublin. COME TO THE DUBLIN SHOW OK? Also
available: Northampton, Brighton and Durham. But
yeah, DUBLIN!
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book that we've never seen in a charity
shop anyway.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BEEFS
LINKS IN BIO
* GREATEST MUSIC, POKED AT - The Pudding's
latest investigation is a look at Rolling
Stone's Greatest Albums list over the last 20
years, trying to find out if there's any method
to what can seem quite arbitrary. Shame they
don't use their powers to reverse engineer how
Mike Read's Heritage Chart is calculated.
https://pudding.cool/2024/03/greatest-music/
* RADIO WARCRAFT - This site has turned random
World of Warcraft sound effects into a radio
station, which is presumably quite a nostalgic
listen to the higher realm of nerds.
https://2-warcraft-2-radio.glitch.me
* FUCK THE NYT - The joyless New York Times has
been sending takedowns to Wordle clones this
week, so let's never mention them again. In this
Jotto-esque puzzle, you must guess the five
letter words from riddles. There's a new game
every day, just like the 1996 IRC word game
Acrophobia.
https://riddler.game
* YOUR NEW SOUNDTRACK TO THE NEW YOU - In 1990
Tim Follin made an oddly pumping soundtrack for
a version of Pictionary. It's great fun to
listen to it and read the YouTube comments: "I
have never been so absolutely pumped to play a
watered-down NES version of a board game in my
life."
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* "CHIPSTEAKS - UNIQUE AND DELICIOUS, WITH
TREMENDOUS PROTEIN VALUE!" - Short advert
promoting a butcher in the 1970s. Made us want
to sample and loop it and have a weird hit in
1992. Or hypnotise people into eating beef with
it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* BIG E-BOOK OF ART FROM CANCELLED ANIMATED
FILMS - there's so much work that goes into film
production, and some of these films don't even
get made. Remember the stuff you could never
have here.
https://www.drawingfornothing.com/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Star Wars vs Adverts
Here's the best images from last week:
* Perfect gag from Monkeon, you might have to
squint a bit given our readers are all about 80
now
https://b3ta.com/board/11405160
* HappyToast Smashes it
https://b3ta.com/board/11405081
* And just love this from Afinkawan
https://b3ta.com/board/11405327
* See all the other images from the 'Star Wars
vs Adverts ' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/starwarsvsadverts/popula...
>> This week: Royal Photoshop Disasters <<
Following Kate Middleton's dicking around with
her press photo, let's go back in time and ruin
every other royal photograph and portrait in
history using the powers of Photoshop CS3.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/royalphotoshopdisasters/...
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: FOLLOW -UPS
What happened next
* RATHER GOOD DINOSAURS - Joel Veitch tells us,
"Our youtube shorts 'Dinosaurs: Terrible
Lizards' got picked up by Netflix for a series.
It's called BAD DINOSAURS and it's coming out on
March 28th but the teaser trailer just appeared
on the Netflix Jr youtube channel, so here it
is. I hope you like it. It's got dinosaurs in
it. Head writer is Natt, from b3ta. Co-creators
with me are Alex Mallinson, also from here, and
David Shute. It's a very b3tan thing."
http://b3ta.com/links/1613740
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you
* A TUMBLR ACCOUNT - called '1980s computer art,
where if it were a film poster, I would watch
the fuck out of it"
* WICKER LOVE ISLAND - we managed to watch both
Love Island and Wicker Man this week and
absolutely couldn't be arsed to mash up the the
v/o from the reality show with the the shots
from the film, but you could probably make it
work.
* MIDI WOGAN - Monkeon suggests, "I was thinking
how you could hook up Radio 2's Now Playing bot
with a MIDI music library and make a cooler
muzak version of Radio 2."
Go on, we look at everything you send us.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Come. It is time to keep
your appointment with the Wicker Man. - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta
newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
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https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'SORRY LIMMY' FESSHOLE
"Went on a date recently and went back to his
after a fun night. He offered to put something
on while we relaxed and proceeded to watch a
Scottish man in his 50s play games on 'Twitch'.
Needless to say I went home."
