NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S 23 Y/O AND MAKES YOU FEEL OLD? IT'S THE B3TA NEWSLETTER"
This Week:
* BUM-WIPE GAME - finally this experience digitised
* ANOTHER CLICKY GAME - can you click it? Yes u can
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Brit remakes of American TV
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're refusing to be
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | nostalgic for when the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| was better... together"
B3ta email e-zine 906 - 10th May 2024
Read this issue to your confused Alexa:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue906
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making everyone wish they'd grow up
* HOW MUCH DO YOU NEED TO WIPE YOUR BUM? - Dave
Bagpuss writes, "Following through from last
week's b3ta newsletter which contemplates 'some
kind of wiping arse game', I bring you 'The Shit
Shit Game'. Nothing more than a lavatorial
number-guessing game, simply guess the number of
sheets of cheap and nasty toilet paper you need
to wipe your arse clean." We didn't expect this
to happen as the suggestion was filler really,
but we're so pleased it has been, we laughed our
arses off.
https://shit-shit-game.bagpuss.org
* BRITAIN'S OLDEST SHEEP - In more
make-you-feel-old content, legendary b3tan
photoshopper Sheep has updated a GIF he last
updated 20 years ago. We hope to publish the
third iteration of this joke in 2044. See you
there fellow old people.
https://b3ta.com/board/11407431
* TAPPY GAME TWO: TAP IN THE CITY - Kevin Doyle
has followed his 'tappy tap' game we brought you
last week with this one where we were baffled as
to what the rules were for about a minute, then
worked it out, and we're not going to tell you,
because we enjoyed that moment of joy of working
it out. But rest assured, you still need to tap.
https://bigjobby.com/maze/
* INTRANSITIVE HAND GAME (that's what Wikipedia
calls it) - Atomirex is a developer who we've
accidentally drawn into the B3ta cult by
mentioning one of his games in a previous
newsletter and now he's posting his new one on
/links and he describes his latest as "Showdown
- Rock, Paper, Scissors Against A Markov Chain
In A Sombrero". Blimey, this is sorta nuts but
fun.
https://www.luduxia.com/showdown/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Look, you should buy some clothes, ok?
You dress terribly, everyone knows. You should
be ashamed of yourself, sitting there reading
the B3ta newsletter in your dungarees and clown
shoes. But don't worry, help is at hand, you can
look cool as fuck with some Hebtro threads. All
made in the UK, built to last and they never
tell B3ta what copy to write, so yeah, take off
your clown shoes OK?
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Confessions Xenomorph bursts from the b3ta chest
Each week we ask you to confess and then pick a
few to tweet out and see what happens. Mostly
what happens is numbers go up and strangers hate
us, and that's what success is in a digital
world. A few you liked recently include:
* BACK WITH ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE COCK BLOCKING
DAD JOKES - "We planned to have a family day out
to the Sea Life Centre. Being a typical dad, and
knowing they have a moray eel, I planned to say
'that's a moray' to the tune of That's Amore. On
the day, a bloke 5 metres in front of us said
the same thing. Ruined my day it did."
* THIS DOG IS NO COP - "Adopted a 'failed'
police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always
been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving,
caring, protective. Started to wonder why the
cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods
where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran
head-first into a tree."
* WHY YOU SHOULD VET YOUR JOKES - "Don't give
your pet a cute food name. Today at the vets, a
man came in & said to the receptionist 'I'm here
for Cheeseburger.' I said, 'Do you want fries
with that?' About 20 mins later his wife came in
crying & the technician brought out the body of
their dead dog."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for the funny one that
posts nipples that look like Winston Churchill.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
Come to the live shows, the next one up is
Northampton but that's sold out - tickets
available for B-b-b-b-birmingham, Brighton and
Durham. Do come, even if you hate Fesshole, coz
we throw in 10 or so mins on b3ta to keep you
lot from complaining.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book, it's our attempt at doing one of
those 'Heroic Failure' kind of books that we
enjoyed reading at Christmas as a kid. Not that
that world really exists now.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The CD2 bonus tracks of the newsletter single
* I SPY BOLLOCKS - A daily game of Eye Spy set
at various locations on Google Maps. Can you
spot the item depicted in the emoji? Actually
far tougher than it sounds.
https://eyespy.world
* WOMAN DOES A COVER OF KRAFTWERK'S OHM SWEET
OHM ON THE THEREMIN - b3tan Gub~Gub writes,
"The way she shapes her hands to change the
notes and the control she has is pretty amazing
to watch" You could also have fun dubbing on
different music, should fun be your thing.
http://b3ta.com/links/1614868
* WHAT DOES YOUR PIN NUMBER SAY ABOUT YOU?
'Information is Beautiful' has done a
visualisation of the most common pin numbers. We
also should mention that the creator and old
B3tan friend David McCandless has got some
tickets on sale and is doing shows all over the
world and this newsletter team will be checking
out his London show. And yes it IS Pin Number,
no it's not redundant, fuck off pin twats.
https://informationisbeautiful.net/visualizations/...
* NEW IDEAS ARE NOW TERMINAL - Apparently you
can now buy coffee by the command line, which
feels like a project someone could have launched
in 1995 when the internet was all "oh my god,
I've given my barbie doll an IP address."
https://www.terminal.shop/
* CRUCIAL PRODUCTIVITY HACK - Technology has
finally advanced far enough that you can remove
items from your Google Calendar using a game of
Break Out. Next week: empty spam from your inbox
by winning against it on Sam Fox's Strip Poker.
https://mastodon.gamedev.place/@eieio/112089959616...#
* REALISTIC MATT ROUND SIMULATOR - Matt Round
suggested we check out this interactive game
thing that reminded us a bit of that game Sims
but if it was specifically about the life of
Matt Round. Hopefully this isn't massively
insulting as we only played for a couple of mins
and don't know if the main character starts
doing weird shit or not.
https://foodforfish.org/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Computer Pop
Here's the best images from last week which was
all about making computers and old pop music
combine, which is one of the long term themes of
this website really. Our favs included:
* How many times do we have to tell you that
Monkeon is the finest comedy mind of our
generation? We'd love a whole book of this
https://b3ta.com/board/11407149
* The old jokes are the best jokes - thanks
Cumquat May
https://b3ta.com/board/11407041
* A joke with a Sting in its tail - from
Afinkawan
https://b3ta.com/board/11407178
* See all the other images from the 'Computer
Pop' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/computerpop/popular
>> This week: British Remakes of American TV <<
The Americans are always remaking our TV shows,
but what if we were to remake theirs? Show us
using the power of Photoshop - and quite how
have we not done this challenge before?
http://b3ta.com/challenge/britishremakesofamerican...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick start your creative farts
* HMV - THE TEXT ADVENTURE - could be fun to
wander around HMV in the Mander Centre,
Wolverhampton, in a specific week in 1985 and
only play their stock, the top 40 singles, a
bargain bin, and the album chart etc, all via a
text interface, but with banging sound.
* BABY REINDEER - THE COMPUTER GAME - can you
write 45,000 threatening emails in 2 years? The
timer is ticking.
* YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHOSE BROTHER THIS IS -
this week we've been enjoying looking at
pictures of Kevin Spacey's brother who looks
like Rod Stewart on ketamine. There's probably a
quiz in celebrities' odd relatives, in fact
someone probably has already written it, but who
cares, do it bigger and better. That's how to
make shit work, don't care it's been done, do it
your way.
Send us an email - we read everything you send
us - and often have to wash afterwards.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Take me caking, cake out
in the rain - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta
newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
against the unelected blob by telling your
friends to sign up.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS 'THE ROB MANUAL BY ROB MANUEL' FESSHOLE
"Not a fess, but advice. I'm an ex-burglar, now
work for a home security company using my past
for good. If selling your house be careful what
you leave out in plain view. I'd look at photos
of houses on estate agent websites for
valuables. It's basically a catalogue for
burglars."
