NEWSLETTER: "THE ONLY NEWSLETTER THAT TELLS YOU TO UNSUBSCRIBE BECAUSE WHO WANTS A NEEDY NEWSLETTER?"
This Week:
* BUM FARTO - Unwelcome return of Funny Name Corner
* FESSHOLE - the actual proper, sensible trailer
* CHALLENGE - Ruin art with product placement
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by printing out the good
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| bits as save-to-pdf"
B3ta newsletter 909 - 7th June 2024
Reap this newsletter, for the foul seed that you soe:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue909
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making God weep at His own creation
* FESSHOLE PODCAST: TRAILER TWO - We've done a
serious sensible trailer that explains what the
show is, instead of the purely pissing around
last one, and it contains some short clips so
you can see we're actually doing this and
haven't just made it up to try and chart in the
UK podcast charts with a podcast that doesn't
exist (like we did with the first trailer,
straight in at no 46 like a Kajagoogoo single
after the bloke with bog brush hair left).
https://audioboom.com/posts/8518108-fesshole-the-p...
* SUBSCRIBE TO A NEWSLETTER ABOUT LONDON STREETS
- Friend of the newsletter, Ed Jefferson, has
started a 'mewsletter' where he plans to explore
every muse in London and writes tells us it's a
"Weekly compilation of history/facts/jokes about
London and tangential matters from the
perspective of the city's least important
streets." Yes, very a-muse-ing Ed.
https://buttondown.email/mewsletter/archive/1-i-am...
* SUBMIT TO THE TINY AWARDS - Matt Muir writes
"Celebrate the people making sure the web isn't
just 'comedy' TikTok videos by nominating your
favourite small, silly, beautiful, mad, weird
website for this year's Tiny Awards (there are
tiny prizes)" https://tinyawards.net
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
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: FESSHOLE
Your lovely confessions, they're all lovely
We've told many fibs about the origin of
Fesshole but the truth is a foreign intelligence
agency asked us to collect dirt on random Brits
so that if anyone protested about their military
expansionism, they'd be able to go "don't listen
to them, they huff their own farts." Our favs
this week:
* WELL ON THE PLUS SIDE - "School called work
and pulled me out of a meeting to say my kid had
been hurt and was on the way to hospital. I was
halfway there when they called back to say it
was a different kid with the same name. Lovely
little three days of compassionate leave out of
that fuck up."
* GETTING STONED - "Had a lucky stone that a
friend gave me and always kept it in my wallet.
Walking into a club and a bouncer checked my
wallet and asked what it was. He didn't believe
it was just a stone so bit it and broke his
teeth. Funniest thing ever."
* GLASS HALF FULL - "My husband is having an
affair but on the other hand he's lost weight,
started gym-going, got a haircut, dresses better
and is out the house more AND she's taught him
where the clitoris is. Thanks Hannah."
Follow the account that only has followers
because you mistook it for that funny one that
hammers one joke about Ian Curtis complaining
about his wife losing the TV remote.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
TICKETS. Well we did Chester-le-Street last Weds
and a good time was had by all and a special
thank you to Ythan Sale for becoming the second
Priest for the night - much appreciated. Tickets
available for Brighton (night before election)
and Birmingham (about a week after the 9/11
anniversary damn it)
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
You might as well buy the book as it's 99p on
Kindle at the moment which is quite literally
fuck all, and a thing publishers do to stimulate
demand by making old books chart, and actually
fuck it, help our publisher ok? They're only
doing their job.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The Webovations Catalogue's newest entries
* THE RETURN OF FUNNY NAME CORNER -
surprisingly, this bloke only got a Wikipedia
page 2 days ago.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bum_Farto
* SNAKE GAME - took us about four attempts to
work out how to play this and then when we did,
we were both slightly amused and felt slightly
clever for sussing it.
https://sometimes.digital/pages/snake/
* HOW TO TRANSFER FILES OFF A 30 Y/O LAPTOP -
guess how they did it from the headline alone.
Chances of you getting this right are little
more than zero.
https://unterminated.com/random-fun/how-to-copy-a-...
* PONG GONE WRONG - Nice little Pong variant.
Kind of a bullet hell in reverse as you must run
into all the bullets instead of dodge them. Has
the design problem of getting easier over time,
though, meaning it goes on forever.
https://raould.github.io/pn0gstr0m/
* EAR CATARACTS - old Harry Hill clip which made
us feel slightly insane though the repetition.
What a gift to humanity that man is.
https://b3ta.com/links/Ear_cataracts:2
* YES, WE'RE LINKING UP COOL ASCII TEXT EFFECTS
NOW - If you're bored of the Matrix rain effect
in your terminal, here's a beautiful gallery of
other pointless ways you can display your nerdy
techno-waffle.
https://chrisbuilds.github.io/terminaltexteffects/...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* 26 MILES OF WRIST PAIN - Only 15 years after
we launched Janey Thomson's Marathon from Matt
Round in this very newsletter, it's been
completed by three people at Britain's best
Nerdstock, EMF Camp
https://mastodon.social/@danbenton/112548420723617...#
* A PEER INTO BACKROOMS - Friend of the
newsletter (we're going to keep saying that)
Jason Scott gives his take on the The Backrooms
being found, as opposed to the video version we
have you last week, and Jason can claim some
authority here as he helps run Archive.org
https://blog.archive.org/2024/06/01/the-backrooms-...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
General Election 2024
Here's the best images from last week:
* 'DAVE BAGPUSS' has been enjoyed Ed Davey's
election antics
https://b3ta.com/board/11408194
* 'S4RK' is wondering about Sunak fucking off to
Silicon Valley. And if b3ta holds any influence
there can we say: don't touch him with a
bargepole, he'll make your projects fail just
like the UK
https://b3ta.com/board/11408197
* 'MONKEON' is musing on the nice OnlyFans lady
who milkshaked Farage. And if b3ta holds any
influence with the semi-clad OnlyFans community,
can we suggest that you keep milkshaking
fascists, tabloids love it and you'll get new
subs.
https://b3ta.com/board/11408288
* See all the other images from the 'General
Election 2024' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/generalelection2024/popu...
>> This week: Art Product Placement <<
Every other medium has been ruined by intrusive
advertising, so why not fine art? Add products
to classic works. It's what Andy Warhol would
have wanted.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artproductplacement/popu...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea anus
* MUCKY PODCAST - we start with £50 and we use
it to rent a sex worker and go and interview
them and ask them to tell us mucky stories about
their punters. THEN WE ASK ONLINE for people to
throw in money, to crowdfund the next sex
worker. (And pocked half the money) And repeat.
Thus the internet gets titillating stories, we
get money and there"s a whole virtuous circle of
content.
* OUT OF OFFICE PENROSE STAIRS - twilkosta has
written in to suggest an idea they want making:
"A 'game' of auto-generated corporate
out-of-office replies, each giving a different
address to contact, that gradually leads back to
the first address. The game continues forever,
winners are those who retain their sanity come
September."
* 1980S COMPUTER SOUNDSCAPE SIMULATOR - one of
those sound mixer things where you can mix up
the dot matrix and the clatter of keys, floppy
drive, degauss button, etc.
We've read every email sent via this form, since
2001, so send us one.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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Ever wanted to fly your own starship? See what
the first crews have been saying about Bridge
Command – now booking to September
https://bit.ly/3QPbXcI [sponsored link]
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Proof proof proof - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just fucking subscribe you twats. We've
lasted longer than our competitors, NTK and The
Friday Thing because we don't give up, the web
still needs to be saved.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS 'GUESS THE POLITICIAN' FESSHOLE
"Just found out my husband has been selected as
a parliamentary candidate for the general
election. I hope he loses because I don't
actually want to be the wife of an MP."
