NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU SCRIBBLE OUT 'TORY SCUMBAGS' AND WRITE 'B3TA' ON YOUR BALLOT THIS NEWSLETTER COULD BE PRIME MINISTER BY JULY"
This Week:
* POSTER - Tory wipe out? Cross them off XXX
* FESSHOLE - Podcast actually launched, finally
* PAUL MCCARTNEY - nananannannananana forever
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | in a jar along with bits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| of belly-button fluff"
B3ta newsletter 910 - 14th June 2024
Read this newsletter, granddad fuckers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue910
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making God weep at his folly
* TORY WIPE OUT, THE POSTER - Chris Barker
writes "So what I really wanted was a bingo card
that I could cross off all the Tories from as
they lose on July 4th. But it didn't exist. So I
made one. AND YOU CAN HAVE ONE TOO! Order it now
in time for election night and you can play
along at home." Chris also promises to live
tweet his own crossings out on election night,
so the entertainment never stops.
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/18016985...
* PAUL MCCARTNEY, THE WEB TOY - in this Monkeon
makes the na-na-nas from Hey Jude never ending
and he writes, "I've made a new thing about Fab
Macca Wackythumbsaloft. I had hoped that my data
would show that the nanas have been getting
longer over time, but sadly not." Next week
Monkeon tackles our challenge: given there was a
ZX Spectrum game for Give My Regards To Broad
Street, what would be the games for Paul
McCartney's other 26 studio albums?
https://monkeon.co.uk/infininanana
* WORD IMPERFECT - Dumbdestroy7 writes, "Just
wanted to send this new typing game. FromSoft
Word is a simple Word Processor. But make one
typo and it's over. Export your text file before
it's too late." This is fucking evil, and
therefore deserves to win the Turner Prize.
https://woe-industries.itch.io/fromsoftword
* FESSHOLE PODCAST LAUNCH - our first two
episodes are out: the first one is the old
newsletter team of your editor and David
Stevenson going through the best fesses. The
second one, linked here, is an interview with
Philippa Perry where we read here a load of
absolutely disgusting fesses and like an
absolute champ she laughs though all of it.
Honestly one of our happiest hours in our life.
https://audioboom.com/posts/8521038-the-pilot-can-...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Your chance to buy some clothes
Since C&A shut down there's no cool place to buy
some natty threads is there? Well help is at
hand from Hebtroco who will dress your dudes
from head to toe, with clothes all made in the
UK and designed to last. And what's more they
sponsor B3ta in the official B3ta sponsored walk
where we raise money for ourselves to spend on
fruit machines and booze. DO DIG DEEP AND BUY.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions pulped into internet content
Quite why you keep confessing to this fucking
form, we have't got a clue, but you keep doing
it and we keep reading it, and here's a few that
caught our bell-end in the zip this week:
* GOD KNOWS - "Not religious but been going
through a hard time so lit a candle in a church
today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins
later a pigeon shat on my head."
* HOMEBREW, THE MOVIE - "Tried brewing alcohol.
First batch was a monumental failure & went down
the drain. Second batch was a success but it
tasted so weak & like it had a low ABV%, so I
drank it all quick. Woke up next afternoon in a
bush, in my boxers, 21 miles away from home, no
idea how I got there."
* WIFE-HIGH - "Wife found weed in our teenage
son's bedroom and confiscated it, then we booked
an airbnb for the weekend, ordered pizza and got
high as a kite, best weekend ever."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for that funny one
that posts pictures of Irish people shitting on
photos of the British Royal Family
https://twitter.com/fesshole
COME TO THE SHOWS - tickets available for
Brighton and Birmingham. Seriously, it's better
than a kick in the head, and that's available
too at the right price.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
BUY THE BOOK - only 99p on Kindle at the moment.
A fucking bargain - what can you buy with 99p
these days? 1/100th of a listless handjob in a
squat. Probably.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
Christ on a bike - what next for the Fesshole
pan media bullshit? Can we take bids for the
Fesshole Leaders Debate? "All seven of you -
hands up if you've pissed in a sink."
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Websites. Remember them? Us neither.
* NOVELTY FOOTBALL RECORDS - We hate football,
but we do like novelty rock and europop, so
there was enough on this collection of football
45s to keep us amused. And, yes, we checked and
they do have Diamond Lights. Could probably do
with a podcast episode to bring out a few
highlights.
https://45football.com
* ASCENDING NUMBERS GAME - Games this simple
probably should be categorised alongside
bubble-wrap and fidget spinners as something you
just do to distract yourself rather than
actually play, but it's a nice way of getting in
the moment. Click the numbers in order. How high
can you try?
https://numbup.glitch.me
* PROBABILISTIC NOUGHTS & CROSSES - combining
dungeons and dragons dice with the crappiest
game ever made is weirdly great. The only
winning move is to play play play.
https://www.csun.io/2024/06/08/probabilistic-tic-t...
* AMUSING TRIP ADVISOR REVIEW - some people are
fucking pillocks but it's good that they post
their idiocy so we can all see.
https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowUserReviews-g421...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
No, this is not happening again, stop it
Miss Anne Thrope writes, "I'm so glad to see the
return of funny name corner. So I thought I'd
share Christian Dickgreber." Please stop this,
this isn't why we write internet newsletters.
https://www.dickgreber-photography.com/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* REMEMBER CRISP SANDWICH DAY IS COMING - Matt
Round writes, "Crisp Sandwich Day now has over
4,000 pledges of support. It's still months
away, but we hope you"re already preparing for
the big day." Woo hoo, it's nearly Chrispsmas.
https://vole.wtf/crisp-sandwich-day/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Art Product Placement
Here's the best images from last week:
* 'Dave Bagpuss' is shilling for BIG OIL
https://b3ta.com/board/11408313
* 'Monkeon' is remembering adverts for biscuits
https://b3ta.com/board/11408453
* 'Plankton' is taking the pips
https://b3ta.com/board/11408404
* See all the other images from the 'Art Product
Placement' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artproductplacement/popu...
>> This week: Ninetyfication <<
Apparently Gen Z are nostalgic for a time they
never lived in, the 1990s. Fire up the
retro-encabulator and make everything more 90s
(or just Photoshop any old 90s guff). Suggested
by ESC CTRL.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ninetyfication/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea anus
* THE NEIL TENNANT IS TALKING ABOUT WHO?! QUIZ -
Scan through the Pet Shop singer's Smash Hits
reviews for descriptions like "A neat talent for
writing melodic pop songs with clever hooks and
real 1970s singer-songwriter lyrics. A must for
all Supertramp fans!" and ask the player who on
earth he was talking about.
* STEPS CHAIN REACTION EDIT - Labour should use
this classic Steps video as a bit of election
promo with Keir playing H on the stretcher, and
the chain reaction being all the constituencies
turning red. If you've forgotten what it looks
like, it's slightly sexy Carry On Nursing plus
heartbreaking harmonies.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* OH GOD, JUST SHIT OUT AN IDEA - Remember those
virtual ladies you could download to Windows 95
to dance on your desktop? That, but it's Elvis
Costello.
Go on, mail us, it might just change your life,
as you get hooked on cheap internet thrills of
seeing that's quite fun to make things and put
them into the world.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
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Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Oliver's army are on
their way - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
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: BONUS 'OI GREGGS, RETWEET THIS ONE' FESSHOLE
"When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the
other staff that I was also a sausage roll
quality tester, because HQ said the sausage
rolls are their star product and must be
perfect. I had one free from every batch that
was made. There is no sausage roll quality
tester position."
