NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT'S OUTLASTED SEVEN PRIME MINISTERS"
This Week:
* SHEDS - time to vote for the shed of the year
* COIN TOSSING - finally the 'world cup' edition
* HELLMOUTHS - and how to find them in the UK
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | so it can outlast seven
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| more prime ministers"
B3ta newsletter 913 - 12th July 2024
Ask your neighbour's Alexa to read this at 3am:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue913
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their bits sore from wanking
* THE COIN TOSS WORLD CUP - dngdng writes, "I
made this coin tossing simulator/text adventure
about a world cup of coin tossing, where you
have to try and win 32 consecutive rounds of
coin tosses in a row to win. Contains mild
satire, and requires cheating to actually win,
unless you're exceptionally lucky." Possibly the
most entertaining tossing you'll do today.
https://dngdng.itch.io/the-coin-toss-world-cup
* HELLMOUTH EXPLORER - Matt Round writes, "Have
you pinpointed your local portal to the
underworld yet? You won"t find this stuff on
Google Maps..." Can you work out what these
things really are? Matt is slightly pulling
everyone's leg here.
https://vole.wtf/hellmouth/
* CONFESSIONS OF A PRISONER - For this week's
podcast your editor chats to his top showbiz
mate Chris Aktins about his recent stay in
prison for tax fraud. Whilst there he worked as
a 'prison listener' and we thought we'd compare
notes on being on the receiving end of
confessions.
https://audioboom.com/posts/8535895-i-went-to-pris...
* VOTE IN SHED OF THE YEAR 2024 - unclewilco
tells us that, "We have a shortlist of great
sheds in what is the 18th year I have run this
unique British competition. Arthur 'Two Sheds'
Jackson need not vote, but B3tans are more than
welcome. Voting closes 2nd August." What's
slightly scary about all this is when we first
featured this project, enjoying sheds was a bit
ironic for us, but now it's genuinely our life.
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/index.cfm
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on buy some lovely clothes
We've got a new Prime Minister, and he could pop
round for a cup of tea at any moment, and you
want to look your best don't you? Yes you want
to be dressed from head to toe in Hebtro
clobber, all made in the UK to the highest
standards and built to last. Also ideal for
presents for the difficult men in your life who
you can't think what to buy for.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up
Each week you shit your lies into a Google form
and most of it is wank but there's a couple of
gems:
* INSTANT KARMA - "Visited my Nan, she had
dementia and it was a day she didn't recognise
me and called me another name. Thinking it's my
chance to know the answer we've all thought
about, I asked: 'Who's your favourite
grandchild?' Without hesitating, she said it was
my cousin. Serves me right."
* CURTAINS FOR THIS RELATIONSHIP - "Her
confession but unbeknownst to me, my wife joined
a Facebook group called 'shower curtain
gardener' she gained 'inspiration' from it and
now I've three fucking shower curtains stapled
to the fence creating a 'forest theme'. We live
right beside an ACTUAL FUCKING FOREST."
* PEDAL PUSHERS - "Ex pro cyclist with a medical
background here. Team asked me to get some
performance enhancing drugs so I got a load of
harmless placebos. We never failed a dope test
so they thought I was a genius. Didn't win a
thing in three years though."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people thought it was that funny one
that posts Amstrad CPC 464 memes like 'Roland In
Grime'.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
One more show to do - that's
B-b-b-b-b-Birmingham, coz we did Brighton a few
days ago and really it was one of our favourite
gigs where the audience were on fire and
everything went swimmingly. We even got a good
review from a famous film director in the
audience but we can't tell you who because that
would be name dropping. STOP PRESS! NO! Two more
shows as we're announcing our island adventure
and we're coming to the Isle of Wight in
November.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Look, the Kindle version is back up to £7.49, we
told you to buy it two weeks ago when it was
99p.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your Amstrad Action type-ins this week
* NOSEY BONK - An unusual redesign of
copy-paste, in which you must snort the text
using a big old conk. As a fan of both cutting
up text and snorting things, David Bowie would
have loved this.
http://matthewrayfield.com/projects/snort-n-paste/
* ODE TO A GRECIAN SNAKE - Pippin Barr has been
experimenting with what happens if you add the
punishments from ancient Greek myths to a game
of Snake, and torture our poor old blocky friend
with some impossible games.
https://pippinbarr.com/lets-snake-ancient-greek-pu...
* ACTUALLY QUITE GOOD GAME - W****e of the week
is this one in which you must drag the
combinations to try and unlock the secret word.
A combi lock with letters.
https://cryptle.matthewgraham.me
* THE INTERFACE OF THE GODS - Type morse code by
repeatedly slamming your laptop shut.
https://github.com/veggiedefender/open-and-shut
* OLD PUBLIC INFORMATION FILM WITH MICHAEL PALIN
- we watched this in a load of Python clips
going "well that's a bit harsh, there's some mad
stuff in Python outside of the greatest hits"
then realised it's not Python.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Cartoon Characters Today
Here's the best images from last week:
* POOR PATROL - this from Wilmot is a work of
genius
http://b3ta.com/board/11408863
* CAPTAIN CAVEMAN - as reimagined by S4RK -
gosh we can still hear that shout and that one
of ladies squeaky voices in our head
http://b3ta.com/board/11408838
* OH NO, POOR TC - thanks for Plankton for this
lovely bit of stuff
http://b3ta.com/board/11408754
>> This week: Ex-Tory TV <<
Show us the shitty TV shows and media projects
the ex-Tory MPs will inevitably be on within the
coming year. Shall we tell you a secret? We
opened this challenge coz we heard a rumour from
a TV producer in the pub that Rees Mogg is
working on a reality show with Paramount -
complete with his kids and nanny - so we had the
story before the papers, and we turned it into a
challenge instead.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/extorytv/popular/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* DAYBRIX NOW LESS CHEATY - Matt Round writes,
"if you're really stuck for update material, I
changed DayBrix's Arcade mode to remove an
exploit as I got bored of people telling me
their huge scores. It used to give you easier
pieces when stack's high, so some noticed you
could keep a tower up one side. Now anything
over 50 is good, over 80 amazing."
https://vole.wtf/daybrix/
* CHRIS SOLD LOTS OF HIS ELECTION POSTERS AND
NOW WANTS YOU TO BUY THE T-SHIRT - Chris writes,
"Could always stick this in the newsletter in
the endless milk quest."
https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/18091831...
* A READER'S REQUEST - gub~gub asks, "Bring back
top tips to the newsletter. There's 6951 tips on
the list, they all can't be shit can they?" Well
write some new ones then, nothing submitted for
a year:
https://b3ta.com/questions/toptips/
* PODCAST BLOKE DAVID AULT ASKS, "I have a
podcast - Shadows at the Door - which is all
about the 'pleasing terrors' of MR James and
their ilk. We have adaptations of old stories,
and new writers bringing new stories as well,
after which we discuss the themes and stories
themselves. We've done really well with the
first two seasons, a mini-series adaptation of
the Picture of Dorian Gray, and have even
started our third season with guest roles for
Sacha Dhawan, Rahul Kohli and writing by Jamie
Flanagan. We're now kickstarting a special
musical episode with hip-hop superstar Professor
Elemental, and I wondered if it could be
publicised on b3ta please?" Ok, seeing as it's
you David - for readers paying attention, he's
the guy we used as the voice of the BBC on our
Longwave project.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/330261639/ear...
* YOUR EDITOR ABSOLUTELY LOVED GOING TO THE
FINAL EGGPOD - and wandered around with a mic
interviewing people including Chris Chibnall,
Mark Lewisohn and Kevin Eldon. This recording is
being the EggPod patreon at the moment but
hopefully will be released to all eventually.
https://www.patreon.com/posts/eggpod-live-10774597...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea groin
* AWFUL PROMO IDEAS - Seeing as it costs about
£500 to stand in an election (plus 10 signatures
from people in the area) has anyone stood for
election on the "Please Listen To My Podcast
Party" yet?
* TERRIBLE SHOWS MADE FROM REVERSE ENGINEERING A
COMMON PHRASE - Paedophile Ring. Each week
Langham "rings" up another celebrity who we no
longer talk about because they were prosecuted
under child sex laws. This week Jonathan King
complains that it's all very unfair and loads of
celebs are at it.
* THE REAL REASONS ALBUMS ARE NAMED SO -
misheard someone saying Abbey Road as 'a b-road'
and thought it was funny naming a classic album
after something so mundane and looked it up, it
it IS a b-road, it's the B507. Yay!
Go on, make a thing and tell us.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
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Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
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Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
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Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
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FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat.
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just fucking subscribe you twats. We've
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Friday Thing because we don't give up, the web
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: BONUS 'REMEMBER PANIC BUYING' FESSHOLE
"Just had to buy toilet paper for the first time
since March 2020."
