NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S THE NAME OF DURAN DURAN'S NEW ALBUMEN? THIS IS PLANET OEUF"
This Week:
* TAYLOR SWIFT's fav Kentish Town hardware shop
* HOW TO UNDERSTAND COMEDY NONSENSE - a guide
* BID ON EBAY - for 'Fesshole the podcast'
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're 'staving the web'
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by writings chiptunes for
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| HTML tags in Mario Paint"
B3ta newsletter 914 - 19th July 2024
Read this issue to your Myna bird. SQUARK!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue914
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their genitals sore again
* TAYLOR SWIFT'S FAVOURITE HARDWARE STORE - Pig
Face Turnip writes, "Hello B3TA. Long time, no
begging to be in your newsletter. As everyone
knows, Taylor Swift's favourite London kebab
shop is the rather average Kentish Delight, in
Kentish Town. But what most don't know, is that
her favourite DIY store is literally a minute
down the road."
https://b3ta.com/links/1617023
* FESSPOD REACHES EPISODE LUCKY SEVEN - your
editor and his ex-newsletter writing chum Dave
discuss the important and often neglected
subject of urination shyness and which Royal
reads Fesshole. It's a good episode actually,
we've relaxed into the format and it all glides
by like a swan drifting into a speedboat.
https://audioboom.com/posts/8541265-which-80s-pop-...
* IN PRAISE OF NONSENSE - our favourite comedy
theorist, Joel Morris, has put together his
thoughts on the history of nonsense comedy
language. Joel writes, "I was taking Jabberwocky
apart for my book on comedy Be Funny Or Die, and
I wanted to write about internet memes and weird
All Your Base Are Belong To Us and I Can Haz
Cheezburger and Noblman Swerve and Clickhole
sorts of language, all those fun twisty
syllables, but there wasn't room in the book.
Luckily the internet has LOADS of room, so I've
written about it here."
- it's well worth a read - tuck in.
https://joelmorris.substack.com/p/noblman-swerve
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes from these geniuses
In each generation there's one business that
stands above the rest and makes something not
shit. In the 1970s it was whoever the cunts were
who made Spacehoppers and now it's these dudes
from up north who decide to make all their
clothes in the UK, design them to last and make
them perfect gifts for awkward men who you don't
know what to buy for. Get spending because their
work keeps the lights on at B3ta Towers.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up like cat sick
Each week you spew a few lies into a Google bin
and we fish out a few and say "Uh? Why?" -
anyway a couple we hated a bit less than the
others this week include:
* CAT-NAPPED - "Clearing out a deceased tenants
flat, I found a cat in their freezer. Didn't
want their relatives to think the bloke was a
psycho, so disposed of it. Turned out in the
will he wanted it stuffed and buried with him.
Had to play stupid when the step-son asked where
Millie was."
* HOT-TUB SLIME MACHINE - "Wife and I used to be
really good friends with the neighbours over the
road. Now we barely greet each other with a nod.
We never get invited over there anymore. It's a
shame. And it's probably because of my fart that
turned out to be a shart while we were sharing
their hot tub."
* CAN HE FIX THIS? "My name is Robert. My
nickname is Bob. I am a builder. Trust me,
you're not the first customer to sing Bob the
Builder to me. It's very old now. I add extra
'expenses' to your invoice if you do."
Follow the account that's probably the worst
account on this terrible bird app.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
We have shows for sale. Birmingham and Isle of
Wight.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
You might as well buy the book. It's good for
squishing spiders and the other day someone said
they used the digital version to keep up their
reading stats, as it's an easier read than
proper books.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: BID ON EBAY FOR FESSHOLE THE PODCAST
Well to sponsor it, and for us to make some ads
Our producer on this podcast was moaning to us
that he needs us to find sponsors so this
production isn't just sucking money out of his
pocket, so in the spirit of being too lazy to
email around ad people, we've stuck it on eBay -
we've started the bidding at 1p, so bid now and
bid often.
https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/186567229376
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: SITES IN BRIEF
They're websites Jim, but not as we know them
* WHAT BEATS ROCK - a version of rock paper
scissors which allows you to type in whatever
you like. Apparently "more hammers" doesn't win
against "hammers" but still we were entertained.
https://www.whatbeatsrock.com/
* WHICH IS MORE DIFFICULT, PIANO OR GUITAR - an
amusing take on this age old question. Our
answer would be: if you want a really easy
instrument, try the bass.
https://b3ta.com/links/Which_is_more_difficult
* ONE CHECK BOX - The One Million Checkboxes
site was so popular that you inevitably got
quite a few rip-offs including this one, which
really needs a strobe warning at busy times.
https://onecheckbox.com
* DEFRAG NOSTALGIA - Relive the pleasures of
defragging Windows 98 in this cosy simulator.
I'm now wondering if there would be a way to
combine the checkbox sites and this, with users
challenged to frag the data faster than the
computer can defrag it.
https://defrag98.com
* CONWAY'S GAME OF WIFI - Ever wondered how your
day's W****e score looks in Conway's Game of
Life? At last you can find out, by pasting your
score into this instead of boring everyone on
Elonville with it.
https://does-it-glider.com
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Summer 'horrordays' results
Last week we asked you to mash-up horror and
summer to make some shit lols - our favs
include:
* CAPTAIN HOWDY - made us happy to see the 1974
advert for body building techniques by Charles
Atlas revisited and improved:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/summerhorrordays/popula...
* A SECOND RESULT FOR CAPTAIN HOWDY - who did
b3ta's 4,000th variation on the Skegness poster,
but somehow, it never gets old.
https://b3ta.com/board/11409336
* HAM O' SHATNER - brings us this wonderful take
on Nosfairatu - well worth a click this one.
https://b3ta.com/board/11409414
Check out the entries on bee three tea aye dot
communism:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/summerhorrordays/popula...
And of course we have a new challenge open, and
it's all about making images from the Stone Age
ok? So get paleolithic my bitches.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/thestoneage/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous stories
* DINOSAUR? DINO/MORE/ - We previously brought
you news of old B3tan's Joel Veitch and Natt
Tapley's Dinosaur show for kids on Netflix and
now you can go behind the scenes. Joel writes,
"Screen UK made this little behind-the-scenes
thingy for Bad Dinosaurs if you're interested in
a glimpse of how it was put together."
https://b3ta.com/links/Behind_the_scenes_of_Bad_DI...
* BONUS 'ARCC' CONTENT - Matt Round writes,
"We've recovered YET ANOTHER game from the arcc
tapes! Maze of the Minotons is now available to
all level 1+ users." Ok this is only for people
who've paid Matt to let them into the system,
but you might as well, as it's quite fun and we
need to support him to keep making things.
https://vole.wtf/arcc/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas coz you want some ideas don't you?
* WHILE MY DENTIST GENTLY WEEPS - a quiz that
tells you which of the Beatles teeth are most
like your own. For this lowly newsletter editor
it's George Harrison.
* ONLYPANS - a website where people share their
best pan cleaning videos for cold hard cash.
We'll start with the one we recorded at 7am the
other morning when it felt very important to do
so.
https://www.facebook.com/robmanuel666/posts/pfbid0...
* CELEBRITY SMALL SHOP ENDORSEMENT ENCYCLOPEDIA
- we've just witnessed a shrine to Stephen
Gately in a butchers in Highgate and feel this
type of thing should be documented before all
these touches of personality are removed from
the world.
We've read every email you've typed into this
form for twenty years - the archives of it are
probably significant social history by now. So
join it.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (My fish are too warm -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles,
Prophyria, Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff
Tidey, Simon Howard.
NEW PATREON CONTENT! And do please donate as you
get occasional "bonus" content. Actually we've
just shoved up an interview with David M Allen,
the fine fine man who produced The Cure's
Disintegration LP.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just subscribe, you brilliant people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS 'SECRET GAMES' FESSHOLE
"When I get off the train I have a walking race
with another commuter to the ticket barrier.
We've never spoken or acknowledged that we race,
but I know he knows. It's now got so out of hand
I wear trainers to get an advantage & go on
power walks of an evening for extra practice."
