NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU READ IT"
This Week:
* SHED OF THE YEAR - Winners announced
* PONG VIDEO - actually you'll want to see this
* MONKEY ISLAND - John Higgs talks about it
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving our balls
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | then we're shaving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together?
B3ta electro-email 920 - 6th Sep 2024
Read this newsletter to your hungry cat:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue920
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than jizzing in their own hair
* SHED OF THE YEAR WINNERS - Unclewilco writes,
"The Winner of Cuprinol Shed of the year 2024 is
Wrinkly, Rusty and Retro. Just like most b3tans
I'm a Rusty, Wrinkly and a bit Retro but not as
much as our winner of the 18th Shed of the
year." Excellent news, and congratulations to 18
years of sheds, and never once giving an award
to David Cameron.
https://www.readersheds.co.uk/share.cfm
* JOHN HIGGS VS MONKEY ISLAND - Your editor
interviews John Higgs, yes our favourite author
of all time, but not about books, but about
playing Monkey Island. Yes, this will all make
sense if you listen, we promise.
https://www.patreon.com/posts/111546608
* ALARMING MERCH - David Firth of Salad Fingers
fame has brought out a range of disturbing
finger puppets, ideal for livening up your
fingering time.
https://saladfingersstore.com/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP *YES,IT'S A SALE*
Fine clothes for you to wear
Have you ever worried that you're 40 and still
wearing potato sacks? Well help is at hand from
Hebtro who promise not to sell you any potato
sacks, but fine clothes, made in the UK and to
the highest standards so they last a long time.
Ideal gifts for men, both badly dressed and well
dressed actually.
https://hebtro.co/its-a-sale/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions, you know the drill, mr swill
Each week we ask you to stop submitting
confessions but it's like shouting "there's no
fire" coz all people hear is "fire" and the
confessions keep coming. Here's three we didn't
totally hate:
* THE STONES - "As a teenager in Neustrelitz
(East Germany), I painted small stones purple
and left them all over town. Did it for years.
It drove the police and Stasi nuts. It meant
nothing. It just felt good to do something they
couldn't control or understand."
* THE SKIDS - "Spent a good chunk of the last 20
years complaining to my wife about the kids
leaving skid marks on the toilet bowl. Youngest
moved out 2 weeks ago and it turns out it's been
my wife the entire time."
* THE DOORS - "Neighbours are away & the
house-sitter asked me for help with the back
door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant,
fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was
distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on
their front door that have been driving me mad
for 3 years."
Follow the account that has 14,000 followers on
the social media account that's not as popular
as Threads but has more journalists on it.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
Come to the shows - coming up is Birmingham and
then Isle of Wight, Preston & Wolverhampton.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book: It's less than £3 at the moment
due to Amazon's slightly insane price system
that shifts it around.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The type-ins that Acorn User rejects, we publish
* PONG VIDEO - This nerd project has turned
Pong into a minimalistic music visualiser. Being
a nerd project, however, you have to dick around
with Python to get it working for yourself,
rather than have a web front-end that could make
it popular with non console-fiddlers, but still
the example video is very pleasing.
https://victortao.substack.com/p/song-pong
* GRAPH GUESSER - W****e of the week is this
game in which you must guess what the graph is
of. The one-a-day format feels a bit pointless
for this one, though the questions are decent
and you can go back in time and play the old
rounds anyway.
https://www.graphs.world/
* SWEAR LIKE A SPACEMAN - NASA have given us a
"your name" toy in which you can get Landsat
images to spell out things like bigwanks, should
you so desire.
https://landsat.gsfc.nasa.gov/apps/YourNameInLands...
* IS MY BLUE YOUR BLUE - apparently lots of
people see blue differently and here's your
chance to compare it to other people.
https://ismy.blue/
* NO HEADLINE HERE, JUST WATCH - Do you want to
watch a short and odd video that'll make your
heart beat faster?
https://b3ta.com/links/Oh_well:9
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Adolescent games results
Ok. We asked you to make computer games for
teenage boys, that actually were about the
concerns of teenage boys and most of you didn't
bother. But hey, there were some great entries.
* Monkeon pondered on the limited language
skills of the teens:
https://b3ta.com/board/11410575
* Plankton did a solid, if smelly, pun:
https://b3ta.com/board/11410587
* And it's Monkeon again, with a genius entry,
for all your ZX81 fans out there (we preferred
the Jupiter Ace):
https://b3ta.com/board/11410547
See them all on the one and only website that is
b3ta:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/adolescentgames/popular...
To celebrate Noel weaving his dark patterns
spell on the population of the UK to pony up
more money than God, it's time for you to
photoshop Britpop.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/britpop/popular/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* REVENGE WRAPPING PART TWO - in a belated
follow-up that we should have printed in 2014,
coz some email got lost down the back of a sofa,
Mike Worth writes, "About this time last year,
you featured the brother-proofed card I gave my
brother for Christmas in the newsletter; this
year he returned the favour."
https://web.archive.org/web/20140215100720/http://...
* THE SHAME, MAN - Last week we said something
about "trees are good" as a throwaway headline
and it promoted Dave Bagpuss to make this.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Shamen_Trees_are_Good
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* WORST ANIMATED ALBUM ART - whilst nosing
around streaming services we find ourselves
increasingly irritated by classic album art that
has been animated in crass ways. Could you
document the worst for us all to mock?
* "A RETURN TO FORM" - apparently David Gilmour
has a new LP out and he says it's the best thing
he's done since Dark Side Of The Moon. As this
is highly unlikely, we'd like a project that
recorded every time an artist has made a similar
claim. Yeah it's just marketing, yeah it's just
about
creating a headline, but it does grate.
* OASIS-O-TRON 2000 - given there are 23 people
other than the Gallaghers who've been in either
Oasis, Beady Eye or Noel Gallagher's Low Hanging
Fruit: write a web app that randomly makes
potential line-ups, and offers up the spares for
reunions of The Seahorses and ABBA.
Oh go on, make some shit and tell us, ok?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Mango lassi for all -
Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard.
Oh just subscribe, you rotten people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "BINS" FESSHOLE
"When I put the bins out I do it so the handle
is facing outwards so the bin men don't have to
turn it round. Inside I feel a sense of
philanthropy and compassion and look down on all
my neighbours who don't do this as unpleasant
Tory bastards who don't care about the working
man."
