NEWSLETTER: "MAKE YOUR OWN 'I'M A B3TA NEWSLETTER SUBSCRIBER' BADGE AND PIN IT ON YOUR C***S"
This Week:
* NEED EUPHEMISMS? - Have we got the thing for you
* BOVRIL AD - Information for hot meat drink fans
* LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY - Podcast recommendation
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saying the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | continuing to type shit
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| in instead of using AI"
B3ta electronic email 924 - 4th October 2024
Read this issue to your digital pocket-watch:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue924
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their trousers no longer fit
* BUY SOME CHRISTMAS CARDS - Chris Barker has
asked us to ask you to buy his Christmas cards
and we can't say no because he'll stop helping
us with our occasional photoshopping requests.
Still, they're quite nice if you know anyone old
enough to still preserve the old traditions like
Christmas, instead of using listlessly paging
through social media twenty-four hours a day.
https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1788562146/cezanne...
* UK RIOT CONVICTIONS ON A MAP - CarCrash has
been plotting convictions for the UK riots on a
Google map, "At the moment it has over 370
people on there but I reckon that will be over
1,000 by this time next year." Not quite as much
fun as that map which showed people where to
find magic mushrooms, but you have to take the
entertainment you can get these days.
https://far-rightcriminals.com/uk-riots/
* EUPHEMISM GENERATOR - Microcastsuk writes, "a
few months ago I resurrected an old web 1.0
website called Euphemism Generator if you want
to link to that? One of my favourites from about
2004, sadly no longer online. So I figured I'd
get it back online. I quite like the idea of
bringing web 1.0 sites back to life." Hey, we
ARE a web 1.0 site who never went away - don't
shame us.
https://euphemismgenerator.com/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's time to grab some clothes
Hebtro make clothes in the UK, to the highest
standards and built to last, so the prices you
pay work out great value in the long term. Stock
up now, coz why not celebrate yourself and buy
yourself a gift because you ARE worth it.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
You know, the confessions bit of the newsletter
We run a horrific account on multiple platforms
and we're sorry, it's just the penance we have
to pay for having shit ideas and executing them.
Some of more tolerable confessions this week
have been:
* THAT'S YOU THAT IS - "Used to mock my Dad for
listening to nothing but 60s radio stations as
he was missing out on great new music. Just
realised I now only listen to 90s radio
stations."
* ALSO YOU - "Once dated a guy who confided in
me that he didn't actually like sex all that
much. Took all the effort I had not to respond
with 'well, I'm not entirely surprised, Mark,
the way you're doing it'."
* PROBABLY NOT YOU - "Whenever I go for a new
job, the one thing I conveniently leave off my
CV is the time I got sacked from Kwik Save. I
worked in the stock room & made a huge fort out
of toilet rolls & then fell asleep in it."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people are scum:
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
Come to the shows, Isle of Wight next. Then
London, Preston, Wolverhampton. Do come
actually, it gives your editor a reason to leave
East Finchley and experience a world outside of
a Google docs interface.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book that's only £3.38 at the time of
writing this but could be any price between £1
and £10 when you look because Amazon decides
prices with a random number generator written in
Amstrad BASIC.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
You remember websites, mother?
* STREET MUSIC - A phone has been left in public
in San Francisco, and whenever Shazam detects a
song, it adds it to the playlist. Monkeon tells
us "I might create something similar to detect
anyone having a party down my street and
auto-report them to the council for noise
pollution."
https://walzr.com/bop-spotter/
* MEAT BYPRODUCT ADVERT OF THE WEEK - Maybe
you've reached the time in your life that you'd
like to hear a rap about Chicken Bovril? We're
not even nostalgic for this old ad as we don't
remember it, but we are amused how fucking
terrible/amazing it is. Also if you want to go
down a completely insane rabbit hole, look up
'Vril' on Wikipedia and learn of the Victoriam
'life force' cult that gave Bovril its name.
https://youtu.be/cv9XeuT8As8
* NOEL EDMONDS IS A VERY WEIRD MAN - the bearded
moon-orb one is now erecting statues to his own
battles with the banking system. We're not
saying Noel is wrong, he's probably got a point
somewhere in all this, but it has made us wonder
if all statues are basically the product of rich
people who just can't let something go.
https://twitter.com/AccidentalP/status/18421033536...
* TERMINAL TINDER - Dating and using a computer
terminal don't usually go together, but this
site allows you to meet your perfect colour
scheme by swiping left or right. Or lie to it to
try and make the algorithm create the ugliest
scheme you can. We'd quite like a version of
this that found more pleasant colour schemes for
old ZX Spectrum games.
https://terminaltinder.com
* OLD SCHOOL RAP - If rapping pensioners is your
bag then these two 70-somethings can drop
triplets with the best of them. It's probably
not that extraordinary to see pensioners rap
given Debbie Harry invented rapping on Rapture
and she's nearly 80.
https://b3ta.com/links/You_wish_you_could_drop_lin...
* SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF BBBBZZZZZTTTT - Turns
out the buzzsaw sounds of tesla coils is perfect
to make synth pop. Probably a more exciting
performance than Dave Stewart is capable of
these days.
https://b3ta.com/links/Sparktacular
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: READERS RECOMMEND PODCASTS
'Allo 'Allo with the actual cast
Dannline writes, "Long long long long time
subscriber, as we all are. But this is so
special. Herr Flick, Helga, and Gruber all
discuss episode by episode of Allo Allo. It's
just lovely, three actors talking about 1980s
sitcom making. And of course it's ridiculous."
https://www.podbean.com/pu/pbblog-qrcby-121bca9
PS: We're mentioning this because it's a podcast
with the actual cast in it, rather than two
blokes who you'd kill yourself rather than sit
next to in the pub.
PPS: Your editor spent the week addicted to this
12 part radio sitcom from 2007 - no come back -
it's basically a light breezy Radio 4 sitcom
except for one element to swing it into the
sublime: the protagonist is an arms dealer. Such
a clever conceit that they can pull so many gags
out of, whilst pointing the finger, this is YOU,
you, dear listener are the apathetic twat who
says to themselves they're a good person, whilst
going along with whatever exploitative bullshit
our entire economy is founded upon. It should be
more famous and have won all of the awards.
https://archive.org/details/BBCr4SCatch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Meaty puns
In celebration of Keir Starmer demanding that
Hamas "release the sausages" B3ta has entirely
pivoted to animal-flesh wordplay.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/meatypuns/popular/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick up you in the idea groin
* A REALISTIC COP DRAMA - One day someone will
write a realistic police detective show where
someone reports a crime and the cops give them a
crime reference number for the insurance and
that's the end of that other than an email six
months later asking them to rate their
satisfaction from 1 to 5.
* ABBEY ROAD THE COMPUTER GAME - this probably
works something like Frogger but you have to get
on the crossing and pose and take a photo before
getting run over by a fed up cabbie.
* SEVENTEEN SECONDS THE COMPUTER GAME -
celebrate the return of The Cure by writing a
game where Robert Smith challenges you to guess
exactly how long 17 seconds is in your head, and
if you get it right he gives you a spider.
Oh god, email us you scrotes.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Happy Birthday Mum - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "SEXY MAN" FESSHOLE
"I was stood at the school gates waiting for
pick up when I saw a parent arriving who looks
quite a lot like Nigel Farage. I turned to the
mum next to me and said 'have you noticed the
Nigel Farage lookalike?' 'That's my husband' she
said. I can never do the school run again."
