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NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT STILL PUBLISHES DESPITE THREE SIGNATURES ASKING US TO STOP"

 
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This Week: 
* CHALLENGE - Ronseal pop, that is, literal music
* COME TO FESSHOLE LIVE - London, this week
* YES IT'S A MONDAY NEWSLETTER - We were busy
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  by making half-arsed
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| shoddy content... again"

B3ta fan-club newsletter 931 - 3rd Dec 2024

Read this issue whilst Morrissey disapproves: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue931

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making cups of tea they forgot about 

  * POP MUSIC DATA QUIZ - jeffriestim writes, 
  "Apparently I've nothing better to do at work 
  right now than whatever you guys propose, as 
  following the suggestion in issue 929, I present 
  'Oh, I LOVED That Song!': can you guess which of 
  two pre-YouTube number 1 songs has more views." 
https://public.tableau.com/app/profile/tim.jeffrie...

  * ANIMATED ISLE OF WIGHT POSTCARDS - Nov 2024 - 
  drivelsieve writes, "I made these postcards 
  move". We assume this is a tribute to our recent 
  Fesshole gig in the same location. 
https://b3ta.com/links/Animated_Isle_of_Wight_Post...

  * PONG CLOCK - Kevin Doyle writes, "I missed out 
  on a custom hardware Pong Clock some years ago 
  produced by Sander Mulder. Only a limited run 
  were produced and they were likely out of my 
  price range at the time anyway. A screen saver 
  version was released that I had on my XP machine 
  for years and I loved it. Here is my browser 
  based version based on Sander's work. Once 
  running, click/tap the screen for authentic 
  SFX." This is a lovely bit of work. 
https://bigjobby.com/pong

  * NICE BLUESKY PROJECT - Dave Bagpuss Forsey 
  writes, "Time for another pointless Bluesky 
  firehose project. Excellent author and king of 
  the meme Michael Rosen features in NiceSky, 
  where he says 'Nice' almost every time someone 
  on Bluesky says 'Nice' or 'Noice'. Yep. That's 
  about it. Still, I hope you find it, er, nice." 
  Next week - we dunno, use the firehose to find 
  people who "love the smell of their boyfriend's 
  colon" 
https://nicesky.bagpuss.org/

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP 
  It's coming up to Christmas so buy some pressies 

  Right, you have blokes in your life and they 
  need Christmas presents. Buy them hefty clothes 
  at Hebtro: that's jeans, shirts, leather belts. 
  Also other man-ish stuff like pocket knives and 
  heavy boots. Really, it's Christmas solved for 
  your man presents, and also they help keep the 
  lights on B3ta towers, so that's several birds 
  slaughtered with one egg. 
https://hebtro.co/

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: FESSHOLE
  Your fesses fessed up again 

  You know you've sent in over 288,000 confessions 
  and your editor has read every single one of 
  them? People say farm it out or use AI, but 
  every single one of these people is a twat who 
  doesn't understand that making something a bit 
  easier to run at the cost of being shitter is 
  exactly what's wrong with most of the internet. 
  Anyway, three favs this week include: 

  * MAKING FRIENDS - "After a protracted battle of 
  wits with the local squirrel I finally succeeded 
  in positioning the bird feeders out of its 
  reach, I then found myself feeling sorry for the 
  furry little bastard and now it's got its own 
  bowl." 

  * PINT TROUBLE - "Went to my local the other 
  day. The new barman very smiley and chatty, I 
  ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife. He 
  smiled and asked 'single?' I replied 'sorry mate 
  I'm married'. He said 'I meant double or single 
  vodka pal.' Got to find a new local." 

  * GROWING UP - "My wife came home early and 
  caught me in the mess of takeaway and porno. 
  Scurried to clean up and ready myself for a 
  fight. She said, 'I'm not your Mum. You're a 
  grown-ass man. Do what you want.' Took the wind 
  out of my sails. Embarrassed that I ever treated 
  her that way." 

  Follow the account that now has about 70k 
  followers on BluSky, we would also mention that 
  the Threads one is 100k but we've never totally 
  figured out automatic posting there so would 
  really recommend the Bluesky one. 
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/

  We've just played the Isle Of Wight gig and that 
  went really well, a sell out at the Quay Arts 
  and everyone was really up for fessing. We got 
  through about 40 audience confessions - half 
  anon and half people happy to show their faces. 
  Anyway, come to the London one on THURSDAY THIS 
  WEEK, or also available Wolverhampton, Preston 
  and Leicester. 
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

  Buy the book if you like - today's random price 
  is 3.19 - thanks space pillock who's not even 
  the worst space pillock. 
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Urls to pop into your browser, hyperlink fans 

  * PINK FLOYD DIVISION BELL-END - This bit of 
  bollocks from Roger Waters genuinely made us 
  laugh. A few years back he wrote some liner 
  notes for an re-issue of Animals and Gilmour 
  vetoed them and Waters posted them on his 
  website. It's such a funny, unselfaware bit of 
  writing, where every sentence is pretty much 
  "when, I, the genius, thought up the good bits." 
  https://web.archive.org/web/20210604023543/https:/... 

  * PLAY WITH YOUR BALLS - Nice little casual game 
  that mashes up 2048 with snooker. We're sure 
  proper gamers will tell you it's not a real 
  game, as it only takes a couple of minutes, and 
  so you don't need a fancy chair and a piss 
  bottle to play it. 
https://erayzesen.itch.io/comball

  * "I'M A FUCKING FISH AND I'M NOT FUCKING 
  CONTENT" - A geek project that feels very 2000s 
  web, both in concept and execution (and also in 
  probability that a link in the b3ta newsletter 
  will kill it). Upload a song and create a lo-res 
  video of a real life Big Mouth Billy Bass 
  mouthing along. 
https://fishsinger.alnwlsn.com/

  * DON'T READ THIS, IT'LL UPSET YOU - We thought 
  "Sweet Fanny Adams!" was one of those soft 
  phrases a lovely little old lady would say in 
  the 1930s but nope, turns out what happened to 
  Fanny Adams is one of the most disturbing things 
  you're likely to read on Wikipedia. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_Fanny_Adams

  * DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME RECENTLY OLD MEDIA? - 
  Between 2009 and 2012, iPhones had a built-in 
  "Send to YouTube" button in the Photos app. Many 
  of these uploads kept their default IMG_XXXX 
  filenames, creating a time capsule of raw, 
  unedited moments from random lives. 
https://walzr.com/IMG_0001

  * BEST OF BLUESKY PROJECTS -  Turns out if you 
  give people decent API access and don't throttle 
  external links, people will make fun stuff for 
  your website. Who knew? This thread is Andy 
  Baio's collection of some of the best BlueSky 
  firehose visualisers. 
https://bsky.app/profile/andy.baio.net/post/3lbcx2...

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: FOLLOW-UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
  What happened next, so-to-speak 

  * ONE MILLION PODCASTS - Sinisterduck writes, "I 
  interviewed the chap who developed the '1 
  million checkboxes' and 'stranger cam' games. 
  Both featured in the newsletter here before, and 
  I even mentioned b3ta at one time in the 
  interview. He was great to talk to and I love 
  how he's all happy to stay silly. Who's next?" 
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1863461/episodes/161058...

  * BAND AIDS - We found it interesting that Bob 
  Geldof has launched a mash-up of Band Aid 
  through the years, an idea done first by our 
  very own Monkeon. Although sadly it's tricky for 
  us to prove this as Monkeon tells us that his 
  version "Sadly it no longer works. YouTube-based 
  projects have a short shelf-life." 
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/chooseyourownbandaid/

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Fruit and Veg Movies 

  Here's the best images from last week - a nicely 
  popular challenge with 128 entries. If only we 
  could set every challenge to be so popular we'd 
  be laughing. Anyway, some of our favs included: 

  * Plankton's take on the only Stanley Kubrick 
  movie we've only bothered watching once: 
https://b3ta.com/board/11413218

  * Captain Howdy on a Hitchcock movie we've seen 
  maybe three times. 
https://b3ta.com/board/11413267

  * And The Twisted Omentum on a James Cameron 
  film we've only watched once on the basis that 
  it always feels a bit long to bother with 
  another go. Apologies for writing these up in 
  such an irrelevant way, it's largely so we don't 
  break the gags, as we could describe the gags, 
  but that would make the gags shit. 
https://b3ta.com/board/11413173

  * See all the other images from the 'Fruit and 
  Veg Movies' challenge: 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fruitandvegmovies/popula...

  >> This week: Ronseal Pop << 
  Take a band or singer name (or song / album 
  title if you prefer), and depict the world of 
  pop as literally-minded as possible. Suggested 
  by The Twisted Omentum. Your editor has entered 
  this twice, like he did your mum, oh god, 
  someone stop him typing. 
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ronsealpop/popular

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to kick you off 

  * ELON-O-TRON 2000- An account that posts 
  nonsense facts like "dogs piss out of their 
  eyeballs" but it's presented as if it's been 
  quote tweeted by Elon going "interesting" and 
  "looking into this" 

  * THE RIGHT NAME-O-TRON 2000 - a plugin that 
  makes any reference to Boris become "Alexander 
  Boris de Pfeffel Johnson" and it might as well 
  do that Little Timmy Robinson twat too. You can 
  probably think of some others. 

  * DAW AS RPG -  we have this fantasy music app 
  where you get one random instrument. And you 
  don't get a second one, or an effects pedal, 
  until you've unlocked it by writing a tune with 
  the first, and so on. Every musician has a 
  unique path. "Fuck you mate, I didn't get any EQ 
  for TWO YEARS" 

  Go on, do your worst and send us something: 
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically. 

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK 
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON 
  JAMES* *STOOBERT* 

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN 
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS 
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE 
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, 
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, 
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH 

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, 
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam 
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian 
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy 
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, 
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, 
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, 
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien 
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, 
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David 
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, 
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith 
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor 
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus 
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain 
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James 
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason 
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim 
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe 
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John 
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude 
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad 
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, 
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt 
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, 
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, 
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, 
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul 
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter 
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, 
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, 
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, 
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, 
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon 
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, 
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim 
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom 
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil 
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, 
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, 
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, 
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey 
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John 
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, 
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, 
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, 
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, 
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig 
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will 
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, 
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, 
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner 
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, 
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam 
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David 
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre 
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor 
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan 
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph 
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul 
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient 
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark 
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, 
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy 
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben 
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of 
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John 
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David 
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, 
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh 
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer 
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee 
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark 
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, 
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, 
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel 
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, 
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, 
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, 
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, 
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, 
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam 
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris 
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, 
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria 
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt. 

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round 
  additional links; Monkeon for image challenge 
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing 
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (holla back - Kat) 

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim 
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek 
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, 
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN 
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua 
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri 
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris 
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil 
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben 
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, 
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, 
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special 
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST 
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel 
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant, 
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD, 
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil 
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And 
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and 
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich 
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to 
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you 
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much 
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair 
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg 
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker, 
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE 
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian 
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank 
  you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson, 
  Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS 
  THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub. 
  BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt & 
  JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell 
  and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka 
  Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super 
  double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria, 
  Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon 
  Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom 
  YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning. 
  AND new thanks to atomic. 

  Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people. 
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

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: BONUS "NATURE IS HEALING" FESSHOLE

  "My Mum who has poor vision, has been going on 
  about the lovely squirrels that visit her yard 
  for the nuts she leaves out. Given my Mum lives 
  in an urban concrete jungle I was dubious. When 
  I visited I was right, there was 4 rats waiting 
  for food. Didn't have the heart to tell her." 

 
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