NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT STILL PUBLISHES DESPITE THREE SIGNATURES ASKING US TO STOP"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Ronseal pop, that is, literal music
* COME TO FESSHOLE LIVE - London, this week
* YES IT'S A MONDAY NEWSLETTER - We were busy
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by making half-arsed
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| shoddy content... again"
B3ta fan-club newsletter 931 - 3rd Dec 2024
Read this issue whilst Morrissey disapproves:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue931
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making cups of tea they forgot about
* POP MUSIC DATA QUIZ - jeffriestim writes,
"Apparently I've nothing better to do at work
right now than whatever you guys propose, as
following the suggestion in issue 929, I present
'Oh, I LOVED That Song!': can you guess which of
two pre-YouTube number 1 songs has more views."
https://public.tableau.com/app/profile/tim.jeffrie...
* ANIMATED ISLE OF WIGHT POSTCARDS - Nov 2024 -
drivelsieve writes, "I made these postcards
move". We assume this is a tribute to our recent
Fesshole gig in the same location.
https://b3ta.com/links/Animated_Isle_of_Wight_Post...
* PONG CLOCK - Kevin Doyle writes, "I missed out
on a custom hardware Pong Clock some years ago
produced by Sander Mulder. Only a limited run
were produced and they were likely out of my
price range at the time anyway. A screen saver
version was released that I had on my XP machine
for years and I loved it. Here is my browser
based version based on Sander's work. Once
running, click/tap the screen for authentic
SFX." This is a lovely bit of work.
https://bigjobby.com/pong
* NICE BLUESKY PROJECT - Dave Bagpuss Forsey
writes, "Time for another pointless Bluesky
firehose project. Excellent author and king of
the meme Michael Rosen features in NiceSky,
where he says 'Nice' almost every time someone
on Bluesky says 'Nice' or 'Noice'. Yep. That's
about it. Still, I hope you find it, er, nice."
Next week - we dunno, use the firehose to find
people who "love the smell of their boyfriend's
colon"
https://nicesky.bagpuss.org/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
It's coming up to Christmas so buy some pressies
Right, you have blokes in your life and they
need Christmas presents. Buy them hefty clothes
at Hebtro: that's jeans, shirts, leather belts.
Also other man-ish stuff like pocket knives and
heavy boots. Really, it's Christmas solved for
your man presents, and also they help keep the
lights on B3ta towers, so that's several birds
slaughtered with one egg.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up again
You know you've sent in over 288,000 confessions
and your editor has read every single one of
them? People say farm it out or use AI, but
every single one of these people is a twat who
doesn't understand that making something a bit
easier to run at the cost of being shitter is
exactly what's wrong with most of the internet.
Anyway, three favs this week include:
* MAKING FRIENDS - "After a protracted battle of
wits with the local squirrel I finally succeeded
in positioning the bird feeders out of its
reach, I then found myself feeling sorry for the
furry little bastard and now it's got its own
bowl."
* PINT TROUBLE - "Went to my local the other
day. The new barman very smiley and chatty, I
ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife. He
smiled and asked 'single?' I replied 'sorry mate
I'm married'. He said 'I meant double or single
vodka pal.' Got to find a new local."
* GROWING UP - "My wife came home early and
caught me in the mess of takeaway and porno.
Scurried to clean up and ready myself for a
fight. She said, 'I'm not your Mum. You're a
grown-ass man. Do what you want.' Took the wind
out of my sails. Embarrassed that I ever treated
her that way."
Follow the account that now has about 70k
followers on BluSky, we would also mention that
the Threads one is 100k but we've never totally
figured out automatic posting there so would
really recommend the Bluesky one.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
We've just played the Isle Of Wight gig and that
went really well, a sell out at the Quay Arts
and everyone was really up for fessing. We got
through about 40 audience confessions - half
anon and half people happy to show their faces.
Anyway, come to the London one on THURSDAY THIS
WEEK, or also available Wolverhampton, Preston
and Leicester.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book if you like - today's random price
is 3.19 - thanks space pillock who's not even
the worst space pillock.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Urls to pop into your browser, hyperlink fans
* PINK FLOYD DIVISION BELL-END - This bit of
bollocks from Roger Waters genuinely made us
laugh. A few years back he wrote some liner
notes for an re-issue of Animals and Gilmour
vetoed them and Waters posted them on his
website. It's such a funny, unselfaware bit of
writing, where every sentence is pretty much
"when, I, the genius, thought up the good bits."
https://web.archive.org/web/20210604023543/https:/...
* PLAY WITH YOUR BALLS - Nice little casual game
that mashes up 2048 with snooker. We're sure
proper gamers will tell you it's not a real
game, as it only takes a couple of minutes, and
so you don't need a fancy chair and a piss
bottle to play it.
https://erayzesen.itch.io/comball
* "I'M A FUCKING FISH AND I'M NOT FUCKING
CONTENT" - A geek project that feels very 2000s
web, both in concept and execution (and also in
probability that a link in the b3ta newsletter
will kill it). Upload a song and create a lo-res
video of a real life Big Mouth Billy Bass
mouthing along.
https://fishsinger.alnwlsn.com/
* DON'T READ THIS, IT'LL UPSET YOU - We thought
"Sweet Fanny Adams!" was one of those soft
phrases a lovely little old lady would say in
the 1930s but nope, turns out what happened to
Fanny Adams is one of the most disturbing things
you're likely to read on Wikipedia.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sweet_Fanny_Adams
* DO YOU WANT TO SEE SOME RECENTLY OLD MEDIA? -
Between 2009 and 2012, iPhones had a built-in
"Send to YouTube" button in the Photos app. Many
of these uploads kept their default IMG_XXXX
filenames, creating a time capsule of raw,
unedited moments from random lives.
https://walzr.com/IMG_0001
* BEST OF BLUESKY PROJECTS - Turns out if you
give people decent API access and don't throttle
external links, people will make fun stuff for
your website. Who knew? This thread is Andy
Baio's collection of some of the best BlueSky
firehose visualisers.
https://bsky.app/profile/andy.baio.net/post/3lbcx2...
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: FOLLOW-UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
What happened next, so-to-speak
* ONE MILLION PODCASTS - Sinisterduck writes, "I
interviewed the chap who developed the '1
million checkboxes' and 'stranger cam' games.
Both featured in the newsletter here before, and
I even mentioned b3ta at one time in the
interview. He was great to talk to and I love
how he's all happy to stay silly. Who's next?"
https://www.buzzsprout.com/1863461/episodes/161058...
* BAND AIDS - We found it interesting that Bob
Geldof has launched a mash-up of Band Aid
through the years, an idea done first by our
very own Monkeon. Although sadly it's tricky for
us to prove this as Monkeon tells us that his
version "Sadly it no longer works. YouTube-based
projects have a short shelf-life."
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/chooseyourownbandaid/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Fruit and Veg Movies
Here's the best images from last week - a nicely
popular challenge with 128 entries. If only we
could set every challenge to be so popular we'd
be laughing. Anyway, some of our favs included:
* Plankton's take on the only Stanley Kubrick
movie we've only bothered watching once:
https://b3ta.com/board/11413218
* Captain Howdy on a Hitchcock movie we've seen
maybe three times.
https://b3ta.com/board/11413267
* And The Twisted Omentum on a James Cameron
film we've only watched once on the basis that
it always feels a bit long to bother with
another go. Apologies for writing these up in
such an irrelevant way, it's largely so we don't
break the gags, as we could describe the gags,
but that would make the gags shit.
https://b3ta.com/board/11413173
* See all the other images from the 'Fruit and
Veg Movies' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fruitandvegmovies/popula...
>> This week: Ronseal Pop <<
Take a band or singer name (or song / album
title if you prefer), and depict the world of
pop as literally-minded as possible. Suggested
by The Twisted Omentum. Your editor has entered
this twice, like he did your mum, oh god,
someone stop him typing.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/ronsealpop/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* ELON-O-TRON 2000- An account that posts
nonsense facts like "dogs piss out of their
eyeballs" but it's presented as if it's been
quote tweeted by Elon going "interesting" and
"looking into this"
* THE RIGHT NAME-O-TRON 2000 - a plugin that
makes any reference to Boris become "Alexander
Boris de Pfeffel Johnson" and it might as well
do that Little Timmy Robinson twat too. You can
probably think of some others.
* DAW AS RPG - we have this fantasy music app
where you get one random instrument. And you
don't get a second one, or an effects pedal,
until you've unlocked it by writing a tune with
the first, and so on. Every musician has a
unique path. "Fuck you mate, I didn't get any EQ
for TWO YEARS"
Go on, do your worst and send us something:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (holla back - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "NATURE IS HEALING" FESSHOLE
"My Mum who has poor vision, has been going on
about the lovely squirrels that visit her yard
for the nuts she leaves out. Given my Mum lives
in an urban concrete jungle I was dubious. When
I visited I was right, there was 4 rats waiting
for food. Didn't have the heart to tell her."
