NEWSLETTER: "DENIS THATCHER! MILF SNATCHER!"
* PEOPLE SELLING MIRRORS - the big interview
* CHALLENGE - Video games in real life
* EXPERIMENT - Should Marmite and tea be mixed?
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by downloading Wikipedia
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| to 50,000 ZX81s"
B3ta 938 - 21st Feb 2025
Read this issue backward and summon web satan:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue938
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than approx 7 pounds of turds
* OH GOD IT'S A DAILY MATHS GAME - Stanley5Lukas
writes, "Hey guys, I've got a new game out. It's
sort of a mini logic/math puzzle that comes out
daily. To play, place the tiles on the grid so
that the rows and columns add up to their
respective sums." Actually this is pretty clever
idea, if tough.
https://dodeku.com/
* IS TEA AND MARMITE A GOOD IDEA? Your editor
has taken it on himself to test out an Anon Opin
suggestion that a good British cup of tea might
be nice with some marmite in it.
https://bsky.app/profile/robmanuelyeah.bsky.social...
* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EASTENDERS, YOU SLAAAAAAAGS -
Dave Bagpuss writes, "Eastenders is 40 years old
this week. You'd have thought after all this
time, Albert Square would have got things
sorted." We didn't recognise anyone in this
having not watched since the glory days of Nasty
Nick poisoning his mum with bleach. "Nice cup of
tea, ma?"
https://b3ta.com/links/Eastenders_Sorted
* READ THIS BLOKE'S TEENAGE DIARIES - Mark
Highwater writes, "I found my old diaries from
40 years ago and they were ridiculous, all I did
was complain about being bored, try and find
pictures of Samantha Fox to wank off to, and
fail miserably to copy ZX Spectrum games from
mates on my crap tape recorder. So if that's up
your Banyan Tree then give it a go - Kindle
version is on offer for the next couple of
weeks." Your editor has a pile of teenage
diaries that are very much like this and no, you
are not seeing them.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0DTP8YJ3...
* SEE AN OLD B3TAN PLAY TV THEMES - Matt Snowden
writes, "You very kindly pimped my YouTube video
many years ago, 'Booking An Audio Session'. Back
when the internet was fun, and badgers and
Weebls roamed the earth. I now have a band
called Not A Band, who play tv and film theme
tunes live. Think A-Team / Knightrider /
Airwolf. Plus vocal tracks like Only Fools and
Horses, Baywatch, Home and Away. It is very
daft. I hope this is something that the readers
of this esteemed publication will be interested
in?" Yeah, this looks loads of fun actually.
https://www.notaband.co.uk/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some hard-wearing clothes
Listen up B3tans, if you want newsletters to
turn up, you need to support our sponsor Hebtro.
They make clothing in the UK to the highest
standard, so the pricing reflects how long
they'll last. Also they're good sausages, unlike
whichever tech bro is fucking your economy this
week. Dig deep.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Oh fuck it's the terrible confessions bit
Right you know the score, each week you fess up
lies and bullshit and we publish them for
meaningless "likes" on social media, and then
paste a few that didn't make us totally vomit
into the newsletter, so here you go, here's
three:
* BIG PENIS - "There is a mum at my kids' school
who's a gossip and works in Sainsbury's. When I
knew she was working, I went in to buy extra
large condoms and made sure to go via her till
and look embarrassed. Now I get smiles and grins
from mums at school. Shame I'm hung like a cold
gerbil."
* J'ACCUSE - "Saw my friend's husband out with
another woman at a restaurant. Said to him 'hope
your wife knows you are out with her' He said
'this IS my wife'. I said 'yeah yeah pull the
other one.'. Rang my friend. She was at home.
With her husband. Sorry, random guy."
* MEET CUTE - "I met my ex girlfriend's new
husband at a mutual friend's wedding, I should
hate the bloke but spent the whole night with
him at the bar. I think I love him more than I
ever loved her."
Then we big up the social media account,
carefully pointing to the BlueSky version as
it's not Twitter, which is now literally run by
a Nazi. But we're kinda stuck with automatically
posting there, cos who sticks a million
followers in the bin? Braver people than us.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/
** Come to the FESSHOLE shows: ***
And then we say come to the Fesshole shows,
which to be fair we really enjoy doing, largely
because it's an excuse to eat a Premier Inn
breakfast in a random bit of the country:
Preston - The Continental - 12th March 2025
Swansea - Elysium Gallery - 17th April 2025
Tiverton - Comedy Hall - 5th July 2025
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And finally we mention the books. We probably
should do a third, but we couldn't get the
publisher on board with what we wanted to do as
a sequel, which was a series of short books on
subjects like "work confessions" or whatever to
work as gifts. It was a shame as it made a lot
of sense to us. ANNYWAY. Apparently the second
book will be 99p on Kindle in March, so look out
for that, if you hate paper.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEF
The World Wide Web Of America
* GO GO MOUSE MOUSE RACER - Fun Micro
Machines-esque game. Easy controls, spot-on
physics and levels that last under 10 seconds =
a winning formula for addiction.
https://soffu.itch.io/cursor-drifter
* YOU CAN'T VOTE TRUMP OUT, BUT YOU CAN MAKE
JPEGS - Join MapQuest in impotently trying to
fight fascism with HTML by calling the Gulf Of
Mexico whatever you feel like.
https://gulfof.mapquest.com/
* WHY NOT DO SOME SIMPLE PIXEL DRAWING? - An
arty game-a-day in which you must draw some
1-bit graphics based on the prompt, and create
your own little gallery over time. Or just
check out the work of other people, some of whom
are very good at it.
https://1-bit.day/
* FORKING HELL - How many prongs on a fork does
it take before you feel creeped out and weird?
Or are you not a cry baby that can cope with
shit like this?
https://www.foodandwine.com/why-in-the-world-does-...
* SISYPHEAN TASKBAR - A physics-driven
platformer for the NES, but playable in-browser,
where you guide a rolling ball up a treacherous
mountain in honour of that Greek myth that
probably only came about coz someone fancied
bullying little Sisyphus.
https://pubbygames.itch.io/little-sisyphus
* WE'RE ALL DECAYING, DAILY, STOP REMINDING US -
a web page that decays, losing 10 characters per
day.
http://mycelium.alifeee.net/
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on old b3ta nonsense
* PEOPLE SELLING MIRRORS - many moons ago we
helped Chairman L'Mao launch his social media
account in this very newsletter and he writes,
"I was interviewed by the New York Times a few
weeks back about mirrors. I did mention Fesshole
and how you took it on the road, but I'm afraid
he didn't mention it in the article. Anyway,
here's the stuff about me, a bit."
https://archive.ph/20250221104418/https://www.nyti...
* OH FUCK, OUR SHITE OLD MAGAZINES BOT IS BACK -
You asked and we've brought Yore Computer to
BlueSky - that is a bot that posts old 1980s
British computer magazines. You lucky people.
https://bsky.app/profile/yorecomputer.bsky.social
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Original Cast Reboots
Last week we noticed that Buffy is coming back
and figured some original cast reboots were in
order, and apparently no one bothered remaking
Buffy's Swearing Keyboard go to "owww, my
fucking back!"
* The Twisted Omentum pointed out that your
favourite sitcom bloke is dead.
https://b3ta.com/board/11415409
* And Iaen Cont did similar
https://b3ta.com/board/11415496
* And yep, similar gag again from
Mehitabel_Itrang, so this is on us, we set a
challenge that really did ask you to make the
same joke again and again. OH WELL, we had fun
didn't we?
https://b3ta.com/board/11415503
* See all the other images from the 'Original
Cast Reboots' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/originalcastreboots/popu...
>> This week: Video Game Characters in Real Life
<<
Instead of humans having to move into Mark
Zuckerberg's terrible VR world, let's bring our
favourite video game characters into ours.
Suggested By Captain Howdy.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/reallifevideogames/popul...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas for to steal
* "THE FACEBOOK POETRY PROPER BINMEN" - a
facebook page that posts screengrabs of the more
absurd "we ate DIRT and didn't die" nostalgia
accounts.
* OCCUPY GOLF COURSES - this is just us
manifesting into the universe something we'd
like to happen. Start a movement to occupy golf
courses to force them to rewild and become
public parks. Better for the environment, better
for the people.
* GREETINGS CUNTS - Make an art project where
you make the worst possible greetings cards, you
know, "fuck off you alcoholic slag" stuff and
see if you can get a card company to sell them.
There are no depths they wouldn't sink to are
there? They're all fucking horrible now.
You may email us using the form, should you
wish.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Blurgh)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
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: BONUS "YEP, SOUNDS FAMILIAR" FESSHOLE
"First job was as a picker for supermarket
deliveries. I had never cooked. Looking back,
the worst substitution I did was 1kg of raw
carrots for a decorated carrot cake."
