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NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT'S BEEN ASKING COUNCILS TO BAN IT SINCE 2001"

 
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* ZX SPECTRUMS - Still shit, get an Amstrad instead
* NEW CHALLENGE - it's something about LPs again
* FESSHOLE LIVE - Four shows on sale inc Leeds
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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're shaving the web 
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  by sticking the HTML
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   through PKZIP.EXE"

B3ta newsletter 946 - 2nd May 2025 

Read this issue through vocoder, Kraftwerk nonces:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue946

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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
  Other than making their pets smell of eggs 

  * SMASH BITS - PDF file fans rejoice because 
  there's a new ZX Spectrum 'magazine' just for 
  you. Sloanysoft writes, "I've recently been 
  working on a brand new and completely free 
  magazine dedicated to reviewing brand new games 
  for the ZX Spectrum. The magazine has been put 
  together by members of the Spectrum Computing 
  forum, with the idea of showcasing all the new 
  games still being made and helping those new to 
  the Spectrum homebrew scene find them." We'll 
  reluctantly link this up whilst taking to our 
  graves the belief that the Amstrad CPC was the 
  superior computer. Actually the mag is great, 
  the colour scheme alone is an affront to the 
  eyes, as it should be. 
https://breakspace.itch.io/issue-1

  * TREE FACTS - Smartie123 brings us this 
  ridiculously charming animation where a childish 
  dinosaur draws a tree. This is the business. 
https://b3ta.com/links/Tree_Fact

  * CUTTING THREADS - shnookey1 writes, "Bit of an 
  experiment, I took the film Threads, and got 
  people to watch one minute at a time on their 
  phones and filmed this. SO this is a film across 
  lots of diff phones, I did do whole film, this 
  is first 20 mins on twenty phones." This is 
  probably something more to watch 1 minute of and 
  think about rather than the whole thing. 
https://b3ta.com/links/Cutting_Threads_have_you_wo...

  * MUSIC CONNECTIONS QUIZ - Cryptic DJ writes, 
  "I've created this music-and-words daily quiz - 
  name the songs then guess the word link, a new 
  one every day. I would be so grateful if you 
  could give it a little mention in your 
  newsletter - it's legal (got music licences) and 
  has no ads, no app, no login, and plays in any 
  browser - genius! (apart from that I haven't 
  worked out how to monetise it)." Ah yes, the 
  eternal curse of the internet. The secret is 
  getting lucky. 
https://crypticdj.com/

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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
  You know clothes, you should buy some 

  Ok, here's how it works: Hebtro sponsor the b3ta 
  newsletter and in return we mention them each 
  week in the sponsored slot. We point out they 
  make all their swag in the UK, pay their staff 
  properly and make clothes mostly for men who 
  want sturdy clothes, that'll last and make them 
  look like dudes who know which end of a chainsaw 
  to use. Ideal as presents, ideal for yourself. 
  Copy so good we accidentally convinced this 
  newsletter's lady partner to buy us a load of 
  this stuff for Christmas as clearly we must 
  really love it. And we do. 
https://hebtro.co/new/

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: FESSHOLE
  Your fesses, it's the confessions bit suckers 

  Each week you type shit into a form and we post 
  some of it, and some of the internet understands 
  it's just meant to be a bit of a laugh whereas 
  others believe it's the worst thing that's ever 
  happened online. Well fuck the lot of you, we're 
  not stopping now. Three of our favs these week 
  include: 

  * CELEBRITY BULLYING - "My wife has a friend 
  who's a semi famous actor, every time we have a 
  BBQ or social event all my friends are under 
  strict instructions not to recognise her, mainly 
  because it drives her insane but also we have a 
  sweep on how long before she name drops someone 
  really famous." 

  * ECCO THE ADOLF IN... "Told elderly neighbour 
  my son was a big fan of Minecraft. She looked 
  horrified. Very awkward conversation followed as 
  I claimed it was all good fun and helped develop 
  children's creativity, until it became apparent 
  she thought I'd said Mein Kampf." 

  * FFS MUM! "Mum's fess. Went to her house for 
  easter. My niece offered me some of her easter 
  egg. I said I can't as I'm allergic to 
  chocolate. My Mum laughed & said "oh yes, I 
  forgot to tell you, you're not really, we used 
  to tell you that when you were younger to stop 
  you eating it". I'm 37" 

  Follow the account that people who still use 
  Twitter hate that it's on BlueSky, and equally 
  the Blueskiers are constantly furious it's still 
  on Twitter. What can you do? Make it post on 
  Truth Social to really annoy people? And the 
  Morning Star forums for balance. 
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social/

  * Oooh we've got FOUR shows up for sale, count 
  them, think Leeds is the announcement we've not 
  mentioned before.  Leeds - Hifi Club - 24th 
  July, Diss - Corn Hall - 10th Sept, Worthing - 
  Factory Live - 15th Oct, Liverpool - Hot Water 
  Comedy - 12th Nov. Do come as it's a good excuse 
  to leave the house and your editor likes hanging 
  around the bar afterwards and talking to whoever 
  wants to chat. Which is generally old b3tans who 
  want to tell us the internet was better back in 
  2001 - not that we hugely agree, go and make 
  good stuff now, the world isn't over until you 
  die. 
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

  And yes buy the books, the lovely books, the red 
  one and the yellow one. The red one sold better 
  but the yellow one is probably a slightly better 
  book. Such is publishing. 
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Important sites to copy to your 'Prepper Disk' 

  * YOU ARE GENERATIVE AI - A game where it 
  doesn't matter if you get the answer right or 
  wrong, just be confident about it. Nice use of 
  Interactive Fiction to mock the worst invention 
  since the Amstrad Em@i... let's say the Amstrad 
  PenPad for a change. 
https://direkris.itch.io/genai

  * OBSCURE WEBSITE CORBER - Play the indie web 
  together in real time and bring back a bit of 
  shared experience to our fragmented lives. They 
  are best played without the fuzzy overlay but a 
  nice bit of design work, regardless. 
https://hypertext.tv

  * CHESS-INGTON WORLD OF ADVENTURE - A million 
  games of chess going off at once. Presumably 
  Elon would claim to be able to play about 420 at 
  once because he's up there with Albert Einstein 
  and Johnny Ball, and not one to miss the 
  opportunity for a shit weed reference. 
https://onemillionchessboards.com

  * DOOM IN SQL - a nerdy attempt to mock up the 
  core features of everyone's favourite first 
  person shooter using the classic database 
  programming language. Next week we'll bring you 
  My Little Pony Adventure Island in LOTUS-123. 
https://www.hey.earth/posts/duckdb-doom

  * SAY NO TO ALGO-SOUP - "In the age of slop, 
  craft is rebellion" - interesting interview with 
  neal.fun, the guy who bought Matt Round's circle 
  game off him. 
https://www.workingtheorys.com/p/the-craft-neal-ag...

  * WE LOVE THIS IDEA - Insane demo that involves 
  swapping a Commodore 64's audio & video outputs. 
  Yes, so the sound chip does the visuals and the 
  video chip does the audio. More of this please, 
  it's strange witchcraft that makes our fingers 
  feel itchy. 
https://www.quiss.org/signal_carnival/

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Zombies challenge results 

  It's been 21 years since our Zombies! challenge, 
  and most of the images are now 404 dead. We 
  asked you to bring them back to life with 
  another undead challenge. 

  * Thanks to 'BOCBOY' for bringing us the first 
  ever vegan zombie and then putting a cherry on 
  the top of the joke with a speech bubble. Nice 
  work. 
https://b3ta.com/board/11417282

  * 'NINJ' is here to make you wish that a certain 
  political agitator had his little trip in an 
  airplane go a little differently 
https://b3ta.com/board/11417181

  * 'CAPTAIN HOWDY' is making us hungry for flour, 
  and not the kind that Fleetwood Mac used to blow 
  up each other's arses in the 1970s. 
https://b3ta.com/board/11417251

  See them all on the website that some people 
  call "past its prime" but what do they know? 
  Yes, they're correct, but being correct isn't 
  what's important in this life, it's having 
  staying power to be still standing when your 
  enemies have given up. Yeah in your face Club 
  Penguin. 
https://b3ta.com/challenge/zombies2/popular/

  >> This week: album cover cameos << 
  Take figures from classic album covers and 
  insert them into other places where you think 
  they'd look at home. Suggested by Captain Howdy. 
https://b3ta.com/challenge/albumcovercameos/popula...

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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
  Yes, it's 'what happened next' 

  Fuck all happened. 

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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Some ideas to inspire you to make not slop 

  * SKIP INTRO - Write a TV show, just so you 
  could do this one shit gag, where the viewer can 
  press 'skip intro' button and it plays a new 
  intro where the cast skip down the street, 
  having a lovely time. No idea for the show 
  beyond that. 

  * WRITE A SONG LIKE LAYLA - that is about 
  wanting to shag your mate's wife. We've just run 
  through a list of our friends' spouses and the 
  list of potential songs we could write about 
  them, and none of them would be seductive, and 
  many of them would cause irreparable rifts in 
  our friendship. Best not do that then. 

  * A COMPLETE LIST OF ALBUMS THAT ARE SECRETLY 
  ABOUT BUM HOLES - E.g. 'So Red The Rose' by 
  Arcadia, if you squint a bit you can read "so 
  red" as sored, that is a poetically inventive 
  past tense verb form of the adjective "sore" and 
  "the rose" as a euphemism for sphincter. We've 
  also got a "rub arsehole" theory about Rubber 
  Soul. 

  Don't bore us, get to the chorus: 
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

  OOOH READER'S LETTER - The_Cold_Stare has got in 
  touch with a request - "I have an idea for a 
  quiz - and it can fill your Star In Next Issue 
  bit which is evidently a painful part of the 
  newsletter for you to write. WHO"S WHO: Band 
  edition. Obscure band picture and you have to 
  identify the drummer, or guitarist, or singer. 
  Just tried it with a pic of The Wombats (I know 
  them but have no idea who is who) and you can 
  sort of tell. I am sure someone can knock that 
  one up" 

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: PATREON THANKS 
  We love all these people. Almost romantically. 

  *HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK 
  MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON 
  JAMES* *STOOBERT* 

  24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN 
  EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS 
  LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE 
  VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY, 
  SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW, 
  ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH 

  Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright, 
  lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam 
  Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian 
  Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy 
  Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna, 
  Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster, 
  blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister, 
  Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien 
  Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss, 
  Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David 
  Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law, 
  Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith 
  H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor 
  Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus 
  Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain 
  Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James 
  Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason 
  Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim 
  Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe 
  McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John 
  Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude 
  Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad 
  Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway, 
  Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt 
  Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman, 
  Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler, 
  mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, 
  OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul 
  Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter 
  Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington, 
  pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, 
  Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter, 
  RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer, 
  sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon 
  McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller, 
  Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim 
  Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom 
  Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil 
  Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood, 
  Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough, 
  Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote, 
  Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey 
  Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John 
  Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne, 
  Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston, 
  James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton, 
  Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson, 
  Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig 
  Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will 
  Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green, 
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey, 
  Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner 
  Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff, 
  Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam 
  Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David 
  Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre 
  Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor 
  Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan 
  STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph 
  Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul 
  Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient 
  Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark 
  Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent, 
  Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy 
  Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben 
  Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of 
  Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John 
  Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David 
  Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol, 
  FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh 
  Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer 
  Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee 
  Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark 
  madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble, 
  Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield, 
  Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel 
  Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, 
  Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown, 
  Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, 
  Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane, 
  Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase, 
  Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam 
  Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris 
  Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths, 
  Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria 
  Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt. 

  EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round 
  additional links; Monkeon for image challenge 
  help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing 
  by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (charging wirelessly - 
  Kat) 

  And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim 
  Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek 
  Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger, 
  Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN 
  NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua 
  Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri 
  Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris 
  Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil 
  Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben 
  Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss, 
  Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards, 
  Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special 
  love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST 
  - extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel 
  Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant, 
  Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD, 
  and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil 
  McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And 
  Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and 
  PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich 
  Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to 
  the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you 
  to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much 
  appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair 
  Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg 
  Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker, 
  Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE 
  YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian 
  Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank 
  you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson, 
  Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS 
  THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub. 
  BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt & 
  JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell 
  and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka 
  Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super 
  double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria, 
  Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon 
  Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom 
  YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning. 
  AND new thanks to atomic. 

  Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people. 
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/

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: BONUS "DUMP HIM" FESSHOLE

  "Every Sunday I spend hours making a roast for 
  the family & the only contribution from my 
  husband is he makes the gravy. And then without 
  fail he spends the whole meal going on about how 
  great the gravy is. Going to pour it over his 
  fucking head the fat gravy eating cunt." 

 
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