NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT HANGS ENGLAND FLAGS ON YOUR VPN FOR A PATRIOTIC WANK IN 'BELGIUM'"
* CHALLENGE - Sci-fi food is popular and good
* CLOCK - tell the time using Pong
* ACTUALLY OK HEADLINES QUIZ - if you can be arsed
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web in
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | a roundabout way, sorta,
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| if you squint a bit"
B3ta email newsshitter 958 - 29th Aug 2025
Sing this issue to the tune of Cageny & Lacey:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue958
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their neighbours move out
* WHAT TIME IS IT? IT'S PONG O CLOCK - Kevin
Doyle has made a Pong Clock, that's terribly
clever as it plays the game to keep exact score
with the time. He tells us, "Long overdue update
to my original Pong Clock. I have added an
enter/exit full screen button* so the clock can
be used in kiosk mode like an actual clock. If
you want to?" Makes us wonder about a speaking
pong clock "It's 7'o'clock and very smelly"
https://bigjobby.com/pong/
* LET'S PARTY IN A DUNGEON WITH THE COOL KIDS -
willgrant writes, "hello i made a dungeon
crawler and it's awful but great at the same
time. Get 20 artifacts and you win and you can
screen-cap it and brag about it on your fascist
social network of choice." Will, how dare you,
Club Penguin is not fascist (not unless you know
the right penguins).
https://wgx.github.io/dungeon16px/
* SAVE THE WHALES - B3tan Quentin Devine is
making a massive portrait of Sir David
Attenborough to raise money for the World Wide
Fund for Nature. It's quite the undertaking and
it's worth checking out all the photos and press
coverage on his instagram account. And if you
fancy donating, you can find the justgiving link
there too.
https://www.instagram.com/quentin_devine/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Clothes and stuff you know?
Each week we write new copy begging you to buy
stuff from Hebtro, and we make sure it's new
copy so that your eyes don't totally glaze over
seeing the same ad every week. You know the
score, all made in the UK, to the highest
standards, built to last and ideal as gifts for
the gentleman in your life. How's that, are you
going to buy some now? THANK YOU.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses, fessed up once again
So apparently we started a Google form and asked
you to confess stuff and 300,000 submissions
later we're still doing it, so here's some ones
that amused us this week:
* STAR TREK 4 - "Accidentally fingered a dolphin
in Mexico during a dolphin encounter swim. I'm
blind as fuck without glasses. We were told we
could touch its belly button. Turns out I was
touching its vagina. It wouldn't leave me alone
so we had to get out the water and end the
experience."
* SOME SORT OF FEEL GOOD MOVIE WITH A MORAL -
"When you are out try saying hello to random
people you walk past. I started doing it two
years ago and it changed my life. I went from
being a depressed loner to now having a
girlfriend and a group of mates I go open water
swimming with on weekends."
* KARMA CUM MILLION - "Husband kept mentioning a
threesome. Finally I agreed and had a woman in
mind from a class at my gym. I started chatting
and flirting with her to find the right time to
ask. So far we've been on 5 dates and had a
couple sleep overs. I'm yet to mention my
husband or the threesome."
Follow the account that only has followers coz -
what bullshit lie shall we say this week?
Because you've all mistaken it for that account
that posts photographs of jobbies in the bog and
pretends that they're on tour with Bono.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Come to the shows. Leeds, Worthing, Diss,
Liverpool. As the lyrics to M's Pop Music should
have been.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Ah and now is the time to buy the books, the
link takes you to a search which finds them on
Amazon, plus any other books that are stupid
enough to have the same title. It's a nice
racket linking out to Amazon as the referral
scheme earns us up to £25 a month, which we're
planning to spend on that Dean Gaffney clock, if
they're still selling that.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your website type-ins for ZX81 User this week
* HEADLINE QUIZ BOLLOCKS - The parade of
post-W****e daily games continues, this one
taunting the NYT by using their headlines as
questions. It's the missing words round from
Have I Got News For You, but without the
specialist publications or responsibility for
Boris Johnson's rise.
https://play-headlines.deno.dev/
* EMAIL OR EFAIL - An impossible geek quiz with
a single question - is this email address valid?
Even your nerdiest mates will fail, though will
probably get themselves a "cool" new address
after playing it.
https://e-mail.wtf/
* THE FRESH PRINCE OF BELL AI - A deep dive into
whether Will Smith's concert footage is AI or
not. Actually pretty fascinating - it's not AI -
but the tools his people are using on it are,
hence the confusion. Don't go near slop, kids.
https://waxy.org/2025/08/will-smiths-concert-crowd...
* KEEPING TABS ON OLD LINKS - A browser
extension that adds dust to old tabs and allows
you to blow dust from them. Fuck knows why
people have so many old tabs open, just fucking
don't do it ok?
https://chromewebstore.google.com/detail/gathering...
* MEGAPHONES ARE COOL MUM - There aren't many
good uses of AI but this is nice. It's a loud
speaker that takes your input - that is you
speaking - and then shouts it out in a sarcastic
voice. Maybe someone could make a reverse
version of this to help fix that old Mary
Whitehouse sketch with shit AI.
https://www.instagram.com/p/DNygzDIZKTT/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
'Cartoon Characters on Holiday' results
It's summer holiday time, so we asked you to
show us what your favourite cartoon and comic
characters are getting up to on their getaways.
Our favs included:
* 'Octo' has contemplated how Scooby Doo might
enjoy his holidays, and it looks like he's
having a lovely time.
https://b3ta.com/board/11420151
* 'HappyToast' is making us sing the theme to
Inspector Gadget, and you too, it'll be in your
head now, all weekend.
https://b3ta.com/board/11420172
* 'Monkeon' has reminded us that Bananaman
exists, and how we pine for the Bananaverse that
would exist if Britain had any cultural power in
movies.
https://b3ta.com/board/11420348
See all the results over on B3ta dot com before
Keir Starmer shuts us down for scaring the
children.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/cartooncharactersonholi...
* THIS WEEK'S CHALLENGE - SCI-FI FOOD, Show us
the future of food, or just Photoshop a carrot
into Star Wars. This week, we're mashing up
sci-fi and grub. Over 100 entries so far, so
this is looking like it'll be a classic B3ta
challenge, like your mum used to make before she
gave up photoshop and started shouting at
hotels.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/scififood/popular
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: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next old old stories
* EASTENDERS ZOMBIE FOLLOW UP - Back in issue
236 we helped launch Cyriaks 'Beastenders' video
and 19 years later we can tell you that YouTube
has deleted it. Cyriaks writes, "Lol. Youtube
removed my zombie eastenders video for
'revelling in or mocking the death or serious
injury of an identifiable individual'. I could
tell them those are fictional characters and
that the video was commissioned by the BBC, but
their entire appeal process is 'click this
button to appeal'" Still if you want to watch
it, you can watch it from Cyriak's Google Drive:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/16C5FI_2rtD8ph5xz9...
* NO NO NO THAT'S NOT WHAT WE ASKED FOR - Mr
Beefheart writes, "As requested, here is a link
to a csv file listing just south of 40k British
placenames (sourced from an ONS list) with their
names all in reverse on the left. Happy
sniffing." MATE. This is hilarious. We didn't
ask for this. We asked "please do an exhaustive
search of every place name in the UK to find any
others." Lol. Still, if anyone else can be arsed
to page through this and find something funny
then give it a go.
https://purple-gertie-73.tiiny.site/csv/SEMANECALP...
* BAD (PERVERT) DINOSAURS - also sort of amusing
is this mum reacting to Joel Veitch and Natt
Tapley's dinosaur show on NetFlix. You'll have
to click through from B3ta to watch the Reddit
video, but we're linking to the B3ta link, so
that Joel's response is left in. The official
B3ta view is that these two aren't weirdo dino
fetishists, but are trying to make you laugh.
Sheesh. It's jokes.
https://b3ta.com/links/1626090
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
Ok, sometimes we write this bit carefully, and
note down day dreams we have about projects in
the week. And other times, well, we're just
going to pick a random book off the shelf and
see if we can use it to inspire three projects.
Ok, fingers crossed: OK, it's Tony McCarroll's
The Truth "My Life as Oasis's Drummer"
* THE WIT AND WISDOM OF BONEHEAD - there's a
funnyish bit where Bonehead bullies Simon Le Bon
by pointing out that his surname is a bit like
having a half-erect penis or a 'lob on'. Could
you catalogue all Bonehead's witticisms?
* THERE'S PROBABLY A ONE OFF PODCAST in a close
reading of this book to list out every single
bit of snide that Tony throws at Noel. Our faves
include pointing out that he used to sniff glue
and fell out a tree and that he rates himself a
better drummer than Ringo. Lol.
* NOPE WE'RE NOT GOING TO GET TO THREE THIS WAY,
hmm, what's Guardian banging on about, can we
get a project out of that? Yes we can - start a
t-shirt company exclusively printing things that
aren't the proscribed organisation. Yes, we know
about the Plasticine Action one but what about
Palestine Acton for our West London fans?
Go on, make something and tell us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Do do do do do do doo
(dih-doo) - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "THIS TRIGGERED THE WANKERS" FESSHOLE
"My dad suddenly seemed so detached from reality
I honestly couldn't tell if it was dementia or a
psychotic break. But after sitting near a bunch
of far right knobbeads in the pub a lightbulb
went off in my brain and I disabled GB News on
his telly. Sorted."
