NEWSLETTER: "I'D GIVE IT 5 MINS IF I WAS YOU. I WAS DEFECTING TO REFORM IN THERE"
* INTERNET ART - The image challenge you want
* MONKEON - He advises you on what TV to watch
* HAPPY TOAST - Makes pop video for pop star
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | sticking <head> in a
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| cryogenic deep freezer"
B3ta enshittificationmail 959 - 5th Sept 2025
Read this issue doing an impression of a hoover:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue959
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making belly button fluff art
* WHAT TO WATCH ON TELLY - Monkeon writes, "I've
made a tool to discover the best anthology TV
show episodes. Some of the titles are nicely
evocative. My favourite discovery so far is Ray
Bradbury Theater's The Coffin, starring Clive
Swift off Keeping Up Appearances and a load of
automata." Our tip is that Outer Limits is quite
fun on Prime.
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/anthology-of-anthologies...
* HAPPYTOAST MAKES A VIDEO FOR CARTER USM BLOKE
- Happytoast writes, "New song taken from Jim
Bob's twin albums Automatic and Stick. I lost
track of how many references and in jokes I
squeezed in. Plus all the redrawing of actual
art works was fun." Next week: Furtive the bear
makes a pop video for Bobby Nolan from Bucks
Fizz.
https://b3ta.com/links/Jim_Bob_Art
* OH GOD HE'S BACK WITH ANOTHER GAME - Csaron92
writes, "It's not a word game this time, but a
movie timeline builder. The goal is to build a
correct timeline from 10 movies. The pros
usually don"t use any help, but for beginner
players, there are two hints for every movie."
Actually we quite like this one, it kept us
entertained for a few minutes anyway.
http://playcineline.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some lovely clothes
Oh god, it's September and the kids are back at
school and summer is all dying. So cheer
yourself up by buying some new clothes. All made
in the UK to the highest standards, and designed
to last. You'll look like a king. A slightly
hipsterish king, but still a king.
https://hebtro.co/new/
-------------------------------------------------
: FESSHOLE
Your fesses in 'Your Confession & Horse'
magazine
Each week you spew lies and bullshit into a
Google form and we 'skeet' them out on Club
Penguin and here's a few that "didn't you do
well":
* BEE MOVEY - "I was 30 miles from home when I
realised there was a bee stuck in the car. I
felt strangely guilty and drove all the way back
home to let her out so she didn't get stranded
with no hive."
* GENERAL COLLAPSE OF SECONDARY EDUCATION - "As
a teacher I love GCSE results day. It's a formal
day of 'fuck around, find out' for so many
dickhead students who've been utter tossers for
5 years."
* BOARD GAMES - "My girlfriends family think I'm
being kind letting my 10 year old nephew beat me
at chess. The truth is I'm trying my hardest and
i actually can't beat him."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for the 'Neds Atomic
Dustbin Kiss Cam' account where the bloke with
the unfortunate hair from Neds follows around 50
y/o fans and demands they snog on his VCR
camcorder.
https://www.threads.com/@fesshole
Look, come to the shows. The next one, that's
this week, is in Diss (Norfolk), and it's a
right pain in the arse to get to, so if we're
making the effort then so should you. Other
dates available in Leeds, Liverpool and
Worthing.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course, here's the link to the books,
which now is a search so it will find both
books. The yellow one sold better but we prefer
the red one, which is how it always is, isn't
it? You cast pearls before swine. Well, we
regret being talked into giving them such
similar names. That was silly.
https://amazon.co.uk/s
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
It's website time, URL fuckers
* ESTIMATE MY BALLS - Guess how many times the
ball will bounce before escaping the shapes. The
sort of challenge You Bet! should have done with
a game of Arkanoid. We think the physics is
about right, but it's still impossible.
https://polybounce.thesimple.ink/
* AI FUCK UPS THAT KILL - These awards are
celebrating those who have done themselves a
mischief by believing the promises of Magic Sam
Altman. Who will make the biggest AI fuck up
this year? There's still a chance to trust it
with something vitally important and for it to
be YOU.
https://aidarwinawards.org/
* THE PAST IS A STRANGE COUNTRY - Record to
promote a building society, which is moderately
funny, but also: 45 seconds in, zoom in on the
credits on the back of the sleeve.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* WHAT ARE THICKNELS - "Nickels are too thin we
need a much heftier coin. That is why I am
making thicker coins in my new minting facility"
Oh god, you read this stuff, it's funny and now
seems to be going upmarket. Nice web design too.
https://thick-coins.net/gold.html
* SALAD FINGERS 14 - we could probably stick
this in the B3ta section given the creator used
to post on B3ta and we could poke him and go
"mate, shall we newsletter you" but we can't
actually be arsed. It is funny though, because
David Firth is a genius.
https://b3ta.com/links/Salad_Fingers_14_Crows
* BLOKE WALKS ACROSS LONDON NOT USING ROADS -
it's always fun when you find a YouTube channel
where you reckon you could just watch all of it.
Loving Geowizard's missions, where he goes in a
straight line, or this one where he attempts to
get across London without roads. He makes us
look at the urban landscape anew, as a place for
adventure.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
-------------------------------------------------
: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sci-Fi Food
Here's the best images from last week - one of
our more popular challenges with over 130
entries:
* Monkeon's effort here took us a moment to
follow and when we did, we genuinely laughed out
loud
https://b3ta.com/board/11420520
* S4RK always does great stuff and this one is
HALarious. Sorry.
https://b3ta.com/board/11420482
* And a woo yay to Plankton for bringing Robbie
The Robot to the game, who also, and this is
true, scared in an episode of Columbo.
https://b3ta.com/board/11420424
* See all the other images from the 'Sci-Fi
Food' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/scififood/popular
>> This week: Internet Art <<
We love the web, obviously, but we also love
art. So this week, fire up Yahoo! Graffiti and
combine internet ephemera with classic works of
art.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/internetart/popular
-------------------------------------------------
: FOLLOW UPS
What happened next on previous stories
* WE LIKE THE MOON - Back in some 2003 issue of
this newsletter we launched Joel Veitch's
Spongmonkeys and just a short 22 years later,
some fans have cosplayed as the horrible little
critters and sung the song. Actually fantastic
work and Joel should lift these outfits and go
on tour.
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DOJfRB0ifQe/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some idea to kick you off
* FLAG SHAGGER CLICKER GAME - how many times can
you fuck a England flag? Unlock racists,
misguided politicians and your weird uncle in
the game the whole UK is playing.
* SOCIAL MEDIA COUNTER - just remembered another
twitter project we never got around to doing was
a counter - one that simply replied with +1
higher number to whatever number you typed.
Figured there would be some people out there who
wouldn't be able to stop themselves replying for
hours at a time.
* THE BIG BIG ISSUE - Our business idea for both
Viz and Private Eye is to recognise that their
aging audience has terrible eyesight these days
and offer a subscription option printed twice
the size like a broadsheet newspaper. Yes, our
eyesight is shit these days.
Have you emailed us about your project yet?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Fish time - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic.
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
-------------------------------------------------
: BONUS "OVERHEARD AT WAITROSE" FESSHOLE
"Not my confession, but I've just heard a mother
say to her young boys, 'We're off to Waitrose',
to which they replied, 'Hoorah hoorah!'. It's
probably the most middle-class thing I've ever
witnessed."
