NEWSLETTER: "WRITING 968 NEWSLETTERS OVER 24 YEARS IS SOME SORT OF RECORD, WHERE'S OUR O.B.E. YOU ROYAL BASTARDS?"
* JOHN LEWIS AD - the inevitable jokes
* VAGINA MUSEUM - Offers you money off vag merch
* BAD USER INTERFACES - compete to make the worst
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | dry-freezing spider piss
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| for future generations"
B3ta e-mail e-newsletter mail 968 - 7th Nov 2025
Read this issue in robot voice over Kraftwerk:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue968
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pillows sweaty
* ARE YOU ON ONE, BLOBBY? - Dave Bagpuss has put
together his take on the John Lewis advert. We
have to wonder if the ad makers designed the ad
hoping people would meme it and we're your
meme-making performing seals. BARK! BARK! If you
work for John Lewis please send Bagpuss some
free shit, maybe a few Es?
https://b3ta.com/links/The_new_John_Lewis_Christma...
* WAIT, THERE'S MORE - Oh, bloody heck, JimmerUK
has done one too and he calls his the 'blood
bath edition' Pretty funny actually.
https://b3ta.com/links/John_Lewis_Christmas_2025_B...
* YES IT'S AN INTERNET QUIZ FORMAT - Popidge
writes, "If you're a sweaty trivia nerd like me,
you probably quite like the 'Answersmash' round
in Richard Osman's House of Games. I like it so
much that I made an open-source, daily version -
think Wordle but more portmanteaus." Sounds like
fun, maybe next week can someone make a game
where you're simulating Richard Osman, in the
two things we imagine he does in life: feeling
annoyed that the world isn't well designed for
tall people, and rejecting terrible TV pitches
that turn up on his desk. "Hey Richard, given
your surname, how about presenting a documentary
on the manuals for various operating systems?"
https://smashaday.app
* COME TO THE MODERN TOSS EXHIBITION IN
SHEFFIELD - Jon Link writes, "Hey B3ta, I've
been lapping up your fesshole sickness from the
start, and love that you do live versions of it.
I've just got back into doing some Toss
exhibitions and it occurred to me that you might
be able to give our Sheffield Modern Toss
exhibition a shout out on your newsletter, it's
the third one we've done, Brighton and
Liverpool before, it's like moving house but
slightly more fun. This one's in a shopping
centre in the middle of Sheffield. It's on until
9th nov. London next August , hopefully you can
come." Good to hear from you Jon, and as we're
now pivoting this newsletter to see what
freebies we can get, please send us some Modern
Toss merch so we can brighten up the B3ta hovel
with some swearing posters? THANK YOU.
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/modern-toss-21st-an...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
The advert bit where we ask you to buy clothes
Yeah yeah, every week we say this, but we do try
to write it slightly differently each week to
encourage you to read it rather than skip.
That's our commitment to helping Hebtro flog
their frankly fantastic clothing. We're even
wearing their belt right now, and have been most
days for the last few years in case anyone asks,
so we can physically point at it going "look -
this is their belt, we're 100% committed to this
sponsorship." Anyway, all made in the UK, to the
highest standards, ideal for presents for
difficult men and also ideal for presents for
yourself. We've also got a rather nice penknife
from them, not that we carry that around, coz
that would be legally problematic. Great for
opening Amazon packages though.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up once again, fess fuckers
Each week you type your shit in. You know
there's been about 350,000 fesses submitted now?
We publish 16 a day and then pick out three for
this newsletter, four if you count the one at
the bottom of the email.
* THIS ONE DID NUMBERS AND WOUND PEOPLE UP - "On
my dog walk I often chat with right wingers. I
pretend I am an ex-Reform voter put off by the
utter fuck up of our county council. Then they
see me as one of their own, don't get defensive
and shouty, and start to question their own
opinion of Reform. Honey, not vinegar."
* PARENTING TIPS WITH FESSHOLE - "Overheard my 7
year old telling her mates how annoyed she gets
that the council switch off all internet at 7pm
every night. They looked at her confused but
didn't correct her. Not sure how much longer I
can sustain this lie."
* IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE COMPLAINS
TO H.R. - "Me and a colleague are always taking
the piss out of each other, nothing off limits
or so I thought. He was telling me about his son
winning Man of the Match at football and I
blurted out 'I'm surprised the little, fat cunt
can run so much.' Things are a bit awkward now."
Follow the account now with 57,000 followers on
Facebook, fuck knows why we're making an effort
with Facebook given TikTok is where the media
shitegiest is. Oh there's also a new "feature"
on most of the platforms we're posting on, a
daily FESSHOLE GOLD from the archives at 7:30 in
the morning. Wake up with Fesshole Gold, go to
bed with Fesshole mould.
https://www.facebook.com/fesshole
Come to the shows. Gosh, it's Liverpool next
week on the 12th - do come to that. Also
available are the Sweden gigs, Leicester and
Leeds, also Anon Opin in London and Leisceter.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
And of course, a loving kiss in the direction of
our publishers, in that we keep promoting the
two books. We recommend buying them both for
Christmas, even if you've already got them.
They're actually good: We weren't sure as it's
hard to judge a book really and this editor is
too close to them, but we met a fan at one of
the gigs who said they'd read the red one from
cover to cover in their garden and absolutely
loved it. Hurrah.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Websites on the internet for you to "click"
* AM I THE ASSHOLE[1] QUIZ - Turning the popular
reddit moan-off into a quiz is a great idea, and
even better if it doesn't have to involve it
being presented by an asshole too. This take is
a daily game in which you get to find out if
you're more or less forgiving than your average
Reddit user. [1. arse]
https://muhashi.com/aita-guesser/
* BAD UI - An enjoyable contest to build
terrible UX ideas. This year, find out who made
the worst date picker. Perhaps if they run this
for another 29 years it will end up as vital (to
a tiny group of men, including us) as the Crap
Sinclair Games one is today.
https://badux.lol
* LIMMY IS BACK ON HIS WEB BULLSHIT - Good to
see that Master of Flash and streamer comedian
Limmy is getting back into the web toy making
business. This is his response to the 6-7 meme
that I only really know about because of South
Park. Now just need Simon Munnery to dust off
his VIC-20 for a sequel to Cosmiads.
https://daftlimmy.itch.io/67
* THE TRUTH ABOUT STICKMEN - Back in the
newsletters of, probably first 30 or so, we
regularly linked out these stickman animations
and it's great to hear some 24 years later a bit
of backstory on them.
https://animationobsessive.substack.com/p/when-sti...
* 10 PRINT "EXCITING NERDERY" 20 GOTO BED - Back
in the day people would get very annoyed that
BASIC contained the GOTO command and this was
bad programming practice that created 'spaghetti
code'. Cut to the present day and LINUX contains
200,000 GOTOS, although they're ok, because
rules aren't rules forever. An entertaining
little video anyway. Next week some sick burns
for all the GOSUBS in Windows Solitaire.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sign anagrams, the results
Last week we asked you to mess around with the
letters in signs to see if you could find any
jokes lurking there. Some of our favs include:
* Obviously the best is Blugg's who did some
real world photoshopping in 1991 where he and
his drunk friends vandalised a Nat West bank.
Respect.
https://b3ta.com/board/11422552
* 'Lumpy Testicle' produces a web business idea
that's as dead as a parrot
https://b3ta.com/board/11422422
* 'The Porcupine From Purgatory' is forcing us
to link to a picture of the biggest twat on the
internet that isn't an exhibit at the Vagina
Museum. This would be a comedy callback but we
haven't mentioned them yet, scroll down for that
bit.
https://b3ta.com/board/11422427
See them all on the website that's 24 years old,
which is 168 years old in dog years, which
coincidentally, is the same thing as internet
years.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/signanagrams/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on some old stories
* VAGINA MUSEUM SAYS THANK YOU - Zoe Williams
writes, "We at the Vagina Museum were chuffed to
see ourselves in last week's newsletter. We've
been subscribers since forever, so we were
tickled pink. As a thank you from the (front)
bottom of our hearts, we'd like to offer b3tans
something we know they love: a discount on
sweary tea towels, coasters and more. 10% off
everything in our slang collection with the code
- what else? - QUIM." Ha, we're going to beg for
some free Vagina Museum merch too, can we make
that happen? B3ta Towers needs vagina-based
tea-towels.
https://vaginamuseumshop.co.uk/collections/slang-c...
* CHRIS BARKER HALF FUNDED - Chris's book is
more than halfway there, he's on 5k and just
needs to get it to 9k, so make sure you help
fund the Kickstarter.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/sgtpx10/a-dec...
* LET'S CHECK IN ON VOLE.WTF - B3ta's favourite
web-master Matt Round is up to stuff. We can
exclusively reveal three things: 1, "the type-in
magazine is happening but slightly delayed at
the printers" 2, he's working on "another
drawing game years after circle one" and 3, he's
busy carving veg, no not to make soup, but for
another strange internet project. We are
slightly scared by his industriousness, and
fearful of what he's making.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to start you off
* BAD POLITICAL NICKNAMES THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON -
amused to nose at the *terrible* Telegraph
website and read some column where they were
trying to make the nickname "Sir Oinky" catch on
for Keir Starmer and yeah, no one is buying it.
So a complete history of these shit names that
everyone ignored could be fun.
Regular readers of this newsletter know that
this section is tricky to fill, week after week,
going "C'mon Rob, have three ideas off the top
of your head." So this week we took a quick walk
up the East Finchley High Street in the rain,
looking for inspiration, and we weren't allowed
to come home until we had some ideas. They are
all podcast ideas for some reason.
* DESERT ISLAND DISKETTES - each week our guest
brings 10 Amstrad floppy disks which they'd
happily be left on a desert island with. So for
us, it's going to be a BASIC to machine code
compiler, ProText and however much of Wikipedia
you can fit on the other 8 disks. Because we
know how to party.
* CHARITY SHOP RUMMAGE - You've got £10, and a
handheld microphone, and we explore together the
charity shops of North London, and decide what
to buy. Oh god, that's rather a lot of copies of
a Take That Greatest Hits CD apparently.
* THE ELECTRIC CHAIR - a podcast that guides the
guest through the following questions: What
crime are you being executed for? Is your
conviction unfair? What are the last messages
for your loved ones? Would you go situationally
gay and have some prison sex? What's your last
meal? What's your last words?
Oh yes, you can email us your projects, and we
will look at them, that's how this shit works.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Bang bang bang - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec, Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats. Super
double new thanks to Katie Steckles, Prophyria,
Rob Mahon, Kier Fox-Mayr, Geoff Tidey, Simon
Howard. And new bonus thanks to Tim Chuma, Tom
YeOldeForge, Austin Hofeman & Marcus Penning.
AND new thanks to atomic. OK, newer thanks to
Robert van Dijk, Richie Hindle, Ian Walker &
Paul Martyn.
Remember you TOO can contribute to the Patreon,
it means your editor can write this damn thing
nearly every Friday for 24 years.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
Oh just subscribe, you lovely lovely people.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "SPOOOOOONGAURD" FESSHOLE
"I took a teaspoon from the office on holiday to
Thailand before returning it to the drawer. I
bet its teaspoon mates don't believe where it
was for two weeks."
