NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 97: "I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT"
This Week:
* ANIM - Teddy bear that says, "I'm Sorry"
* PARTY - It's tonight!
* WEEBL - Tentacle rape
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web ... together"
B3ta email 97 - 18 Jul 2003
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue97/
Subscribe: [email protected]
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: TEDDY BEAR THAT SAYS "I'M SORRY"
Get nookie now
Here's a lesson in basic psychology: acting
like a twat and then apologising is more
likely to get you a shag than being nice all
the time.
We want to get our readers laid, so here's
what to do: send a really offensive email to
your partner and then say sorry with this mega
kitsch singing teddy bear, and you'll have more
shags than you know what to do with.
Please note: B3ta is not responsible for any
relationships this advice wrecks.
http://www2.b3ta.com/sorry/
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: B3TA PARTY TONIGHT
Meet the premier web twats
What? You're still reading this? Get to our
party. Now. Well, at 7:30 anyway.
We'll be the ones vomiting in the corner.
http://www2.b3ta.com/party/2ndbirthday.gif
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: B3TA CODE CHALLENGE
What could you do with a B3ta XML feed?
We hold a lot of challenges at b3ta. Mostly
they are about visual stuff.
We know that we've got a lot of techie readers
too and have decided to give them a way
to join in.
We've made RSS / XML feeds of various parts
of the site. This means you can use
up-to-the-minute b3ta content in applications
that you make. E.g. a Snap game using the
photoshopped images or a b3ta channel for
a G3 phone.
The only limit is your imagination. Oh, and
not making any sneaky commercial thing and
flogging it to a phone company.
http://b3ta.com/xml/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Brady Bunch, Immigrants, Hats, Weebl
>> Brady Bunch Pop-ups <<
Monkeon has been worrying that pop-ups are
dying out because of all the blocking software
that people install these days. So he's re-made
the intro sequence to the Brady Bunch in pop-up
windows and pixels, whilst he still can. It's
actually rather marvelous, but does fuck up
your screen a bit.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/brady/
>> Immigrant Hunting for Sport <<
"People who've been to my site", writes
Little Goth Girl creator Matazone, "will be
familiar with Mr Snaffleburger, my long running
daft satire series." Blimey. He's going to
get a few complaints about this. Hope he's
got thick skin.
http://www.matazone.co.uk/Mr-Snaffleburger-human-h...
>> Hat catching sport <<
"Seeing as it's come round to the summer," drawls
Nathan Dobson, "I thought I'd let you know of our
breathtakingly simple yet addictive game." It
involves kicking a baseball cap from your foot
to your head. Yay. Utterly pointless.
http://www.cap-attack.com/
>> Weebl tentacle rape <<
Behind the scenes at b3ta towers we often mock
Jonti for his love of Japanese culture. We
think he's turned on by squid sex. Our theories
have been proved correct in Weebls' latest
adventure.
http://www.weebl.jolt.co.uk/hentai.htm
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Jesus/Vodka advert <<
We love Jesus and we love vodka. So what could
be better than Jesus advertising vodka? Nothing.
These fake ads are flipping great. Watch.
http://www.pinkypoos.co.uk/images/wwjd_fingers.mov
http://www.pinkypoos.co.uk/images/wwjd_frog.mov
>> Gollum award acceptance speech <<
Did you catch the MTV Movie Awards? They had this
great Lord of the Rings skit where Gollum gets
all sweary. Surprisingly off-colour for a
corporate thing.
http://img-nex.theonering.net/movies/gollum_mtvawa...
>> Hairy arse <<
Every so often the web throws up a very simple
page that just makes us laugh. This one features
a hairy bloke wiggling his bum to yesteryear's
"Move it" hit from Reel 2 Real. Ah, the memories.
http://man-faye.mooniidx.com/index.php
>> Granny Russian roulette <<
This short film about old ladies playing
Russian roulette is probably meant to be
black comedy. We found it both compelling
and disturbing. We didn't get stiff even once.
http://www.ifilm.com/filmdetail
>> Stupid Customers #2 <<
Unlike us super clever gods of nerdom, some
people find tech stuff a bit confusing. Check
out this collection of PC mistakes recorded
by a computer repair bloke. Great photos,
although the one with the credit card in the
floppy drive is surely a fake.
http://sct.staghosting.com/sct005.html
>> Talking computer <<
There's been a lot of Eliza style "talk to the
computer" pages on the net. This one kept us
entertained for a bit. You can teach it simple
stuff, and then ask questions. We asked "do you
wanna cyber?" and got, "I have been asked that
question more than 100,000 times since 1995."
http://platoon.dk
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* GOATSE ART ENETERED FOR COMPETITION - a couple
of weeks ago we told you about BoyT and his
success in getting the local paper to print
an arty version of the famously obscene goatse
photo. And now? He's been asked to enter it
for childrens art competition. Result.
http://www.b3ta.com/board/1582285
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Japanese Product Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted fake Japanese products:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/japanese/
We asked B3ta boarder 'Threepwood' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Mr Threepwood writes -
#1 "Super Happy Office Puppy - Silly product +
Great subtitles + Running Japanese man =
winner. (sosumi)
http://b3ta.com/board/1589473
#2 "Magic Panties - They look real and in a few
months they probably will be. (slim)
http://b3ta.com/board/1607422
#3 "Turtle house - Is it a dwelling? Is at a toy?
Who cares as long as it looks like that."
(Cozzza)
http://b3ta.com/board/1582706
...and a special mention for Pecker's pixeltastic
Hello Kitty inspired range.
http://b3ta.com/board/1595357
>> This Weeks Challenge <<
This week, B3ta contributor Mystery Bob gave us
the suggestion, "What I found in my Kinder Egg"
http://b3ta.com/challenge/kinderegg/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CRAB FIREWORKS - Apparently a crab will
clutch onto pretty much anything placed
in its claw. Including a lit banger.
* OBSCENE FIREWORKS - can you paint a cock in
the sky using the medium of light?
* INDOOR FIREWORKS - they always say your
shouldn't let off rockets indoors. Why?
They're just trying to spoil our fun.
Send contributions to http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel.
David Stevenson is on holiday.
We're not.
Links sent in by Olly/Campion, Divstivs,
Simon Tinsley, Charles (no catchy or cool
nickname at this time, sorry), Hentai_for_kids
and Mr Softy.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord.
Top Tippery by Joel Veitch and brumhilda69.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the b4ta rest home for retired queens.
(68429)
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HANDY TIP: WD40 is excellent at removing oil,
grease and even fresh paint marks from
concrete floors. Spray on & allow to soak in,
the oil or grease lifts to the surface of the
WD40 and can be wiped off.
* * *
BONUS SWEARING TIP: By reversing "fuck" and
"cock" you can substantially improve your
swearing. EG: "Cock off you cocking fucksucker."
