NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, YOUR NEWSLETTER EDITOR, ROB MANUEL"
* BOT - 'Clickbait Robot Re-Enactment Society'
* TOY - Make shit video with 'potato cam'
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Movie poster recycling
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by sending our unused
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| HTML to Blue Peter"
B3ta newsletter/snoozeletter 971 - 6th Dec 2025
Read this issue through gritted teeth:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue971
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making plans for Nigella
* WE ARE THE CLICKBAIT ROBOT RE-ENACTMENT
SOCIETY - Back in 2015 your editor was working
as a terrible journalist for a bit and writing
crap articles and finding it annoying and he
would pay for his sins by sticking his
irritation into code that pumped out parodies of
the shit he was doing for money. Recently a guy
(hello Harry) turned up at the Anon Opin gig and
asked for the project to be revived. So here it
is: the best posts CBR ever made, four a day,
and it'll take 2.4 years to run. See you all in
2028 when we'll launch the Yoko Ono Bot
Appreciation Society, god bless Fluxus,
Situationism and Bungle-ology.
https://bsky.app/profile/clickbaitrobot.bsky.socia...
* MAKE SHIT VIDEO WITH 'POTATOCAM' - Matt Round
writes, "Who needs 4K 60fps HDR video? Embrace
the kind of glitchiness we used to have when
Nokias struggled to record anything". Next week
Matt makes an app that can make your screen
grabs look like they've been re-screengrabbed 50
times, with shit compressions and "who made
this??!!! [crying laughing emoji]" on them for
that full 2015 effect.
https://vole.wtf/potatocam/
* WIKIPEDIAPHILE, SORRY, GOLF - willgrant
writes, "Sorry I've made a game. Get from
wikipedia page A to B using only the blue links
in articles. It's fiendishly difficult -
sometimes impossible (hit reset) but when you
actually win there's an amazing sense of what I
imagine humans call 'achievement'." We are
terrible at this game, also we're terrible at
golf.
https://wgx.github.io/wikipedia-golf/
* IT'S TIME TO BID ON PRINTS - Chris Barker
continues on his ten year celebration of Sgt
Pepper death watch, and he's auctioning prints.
He says it's "a unique opportunity to own a
piece of history like the Mona Lisa or chipping
off a bit of the sistine chapel ceiling, is that
too much?" No, that's fine Chris. And we look
forward to the live event where your editor can
do a bit of a turn on stage. Bids going live at
8:30pm Sat night.
https://chrisbarkerprints.co.uk/
* UNIVERSAL SERIAL BUS - Dave Sheep writes,
"Hello Rob, in case you're short of things for
the newsletter this week, I made a video about
buses and keyboards." Short? This is a
jam-packed newsletter run by people with high
standards, Dave. And that's why we let your
stuff through.
https://youtube.com/shorts/aAsh8jNHKc8
* CHARLIE SAYS ALWAYS SMOKE A BIG FAT BLUNT -
Jonti Picking is doing his advent calendar where
he posts an animation every day of December up
to Christmas, and he's remembered the B3ta Links
board exists and has posted his take on the
Prodigy's No Good (Start The Dance) to get us
old John Lewis dads raving.
https://b3ta.com/links/So_very_festive
* TERRAFORMATION, A DAILY PUZZLE ABOUT
TERRAFORMING PLANETS - usefulcat writes, "I've
made a new game. This is a hex based puzzle
about terraforming various planets and moons
across the solar system. You have to fill the
grid with different terrain hexes based on 1)
clues for each row and 2) required shapes for
certain terrain. When you've finished you've
made a lovely landscape." Good luck, we found
this tough.
https://puzzmallow.com/terraformation
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes as Christmas presents
Thanks to Hebtro, who've sponsored the B3ta
newsletter for absolutely yonks. We're
dreadfully grateful and would like to remind you
that they sell lots of great clothes which would
be perfect to buy as Christmas presents for the
men in your life. There's also all sorts of
nicknacks that would go great under the tree,
like penknives and shit.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Go fess! In the open air. Go fess! Life is pea..
Each week we beg you to stop sending in fesses
but we're resigned to our fate. We're the fess
wankers now. Some good ones this week include:
* FREEZER BIRD BY THE BEATLES - "Wife told me
not to defrost the freezer with a screwdriver
and a hammer. I knew better. £500 later and we
have the exact same one as before but newer. She
can't believe the job I've done 'cleaning it'.
The broken one is now in the next door's garage
until I figure out how to get rid of it. Help."
* SHALL WE TAKE A TRIP? BY NORTHSIDE - "Looking
after my one year old nephew. He took a nasty
trip running around & started screaming. His
ankle looked dislocated so I called an ambulance
& held his leg still trying to keep him calm.
Paramedics had to stop themselves laughing when
they told me it was his sock twisted."
* CHESS THE MUSICAL BY HALF OF ABBA, 'BB' - "His
fess I guess, but thought husband was sneaking
off most nights to watch porn, didn't really
care but curiosity got the best of me, checked
his browser history. He's playing chess. At 2am.
Multiple times a week. The worst part is, I saw
his ELO, he's not even any good."
Follow the account that now has 99k followers on
Instagram, actually that's ok isn't it? We love
Zuckerberg, best of all the billionaires.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Buy the shows. Leicester, Leeds, Luton and
Sweden for sale.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books, as every time you buy a book we
get a few pence on the Amazon kick back scheme
and it adds up to about two CDs a month. Hooray!
Oooh fucking hell the red one is on 99p on
Kindle. BUY IT NOW.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Bit of a nerd heavy week, sorry comedy fans
* TAKING THAT XKCD CARTOON TOO SERIOUSLY - One
for the Tefal heads. This site has taken the
XKCD cartoon about all digital infrastructure
being propped up by a single tiny library, and
built a tool to show the dependencies in your
favourite packages in the same format. Run it
yourself, or just browse the gallery and wish
they'd done more ones you actually recognise.
https://stacktower.io/
* WHAT IF THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE WAS IN
WOLVERHAMPTON? A nicely designed "Look how big
the thing is when we overlay it on
OpenStreetMap!" site. This time, various train
systems from around the world. See how far the
Paris Metro would take you if they built it on
your doorstep.
https://wbholland.github.io/trainspose/
* SCRIBBLE ON WIKIPEDIA - In what is sure to be
a project where nothing could possibly go wrong,
this site lets you vandalise Wikipedia pages of
your choice with pixel art. *Currently* seems to
not have a Nazi problem. Hopefully no one will
share it on the everything app or Mumsnet.
https://www.graffitia.org/
* WILLIAM SHATNER BEING ENTERTAINING - joyork
writes in to tell us, "You might enjoy this
little audio clip of William Shatner basically
shitting on someone who criticised his delivery
of some words he was given to read. He asks the
director how the lines should be read and
proceeds to deliver them in EXACTLY the same
way. The director soon realises his mistake but
it's too late, he's already been shat on by the
master"
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* STUCK IN THE SCROOL - "This site reveals, in
real-time, whether I am currently scrolling
TikTok", writes artist and professor Ben
Grosser, "Think of it as a last-ditch effort, a
sort of public confessional as therapeutic tool
aimed at defusing the intense compulsion I feel
every day to endlessly scroll the world's most
popular video app." We might build a similar app
to show the account of time we're playing Tap
The Frog.
https://stuckinthescroll.com/
* JUST PLEASE JUST LET ME SHIT WITHOUT PEOPLE
WATCHING - interesting video on the disappearing
doors in hotel bathrooms.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Sport in Unexpected Places
Here's the best images from last week:
* 'Ninj' gives us a second reason to mention
golf in the newsletter. Also, let's rewild all
golf courses. ALL OF THEM.
https://b3ta.com/board/11422986
* 'The Twisted Omentum' does some kate-lifting
https://b3ta.com/board/11423087
* And 'Monkeon' has produced some challenging
wank material
https://b3ta.com/board/11423202
* See all the other images from the 'Sport in
Unexpected Places' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/sportinunexpectedplaces/...
>> This week: Movie Poster Recycling <<
Let's recycle a challenge from 2009 by taking
the poster from one movie and using it to
advertise a completely different film. Star Trek
with the Star Wars poster or what have you.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/movieposterrecycling/pop...
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups and bits and bobs
* GOPHER BROKE - Peter Garner writes, "A
question about your newsletters archive... I run
a free public access gopher server and am
collecting as many unusual / interesting /
hard-to-find documents as I can: B3ta definitely
fits in that category. Would it be ok if I
downloaded the archive and make them available
as text files?" Yep, go for your life, and it's
exciting times to be able to include the gopher
protocol in the B3ta newsletter like it's 1993
again.
gopher://gopher.petergarner.net
* TYPE-IN MAGAZINE, A MINI HIT - Matt Round
says, "if you need an update: DOCTYPE is
approaching 400 sold and now's the time to get
orders in safely in time for Christmas." Order
it now. Also if you're one of those video cunts
who make videos on YouTube, you should make a
video of yourself typing this stuff in and show
the results. You're an idiot for not doing this
already, there's a 'reveal' built into this
format, which is the magic juice that makes half
of YouTube work. Get on it.
https://vole.wtf/doctype/
* MODEL BEHAVIOUR - If you want to see old B3tan
'bilbobarneybobs' in the BBC's The Marvellous
Miniature Workshop then check out episodes 3 and
8 on iPlayer. However we're not going to link to
iPlayer as reading a review will probably more
likely make you check it out, so here's the
Guardian.
https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2025/dec/...
* WEIRD MUSIC THING - Hornob writes, "I did
music & production for this - my friend, writer
of some of the strangest prose you're likely to
read, did the writing] Here's some absurdist
lunacy; spoken word surrealism, backed by a
variety of synthwave / ambient / business funk
nonsense." We're linking to the /links version
as it's fun seeing people react to a lurker,
unlurking after 17 years. Click through to the
bandcamp link to hear it.
https://b3ta.com/links/Cairo_Time
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to make your idea penis tingle
* DANCE-O-TRON 2000 - we've all seen those
things go viral where someone mixes up Beyonce
dancing to the Antiques Roadshow theme or
whatever. So how about a randomiser with 100
dancers and 100 themes. *spins rolodex* It's
Madonna dancing to the theme from Chocky.
* A PODCAST CALLED "BLIND FUCK" - where you set
strangers up to have a one night stand with each
other and we listen to them griping about it
afterwards.
* IT'S ALL GRAVY - a Chrome plug in that makes
everything into tasty meat sauce. Yes this
sentence is filler, delicious savory filler.
Go on, email us your project, what would be the
worst thing that could happen?
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
A special thanks section this week as we've
actually updated the list to be accurate, every
single person here is an active supporter and
listed in their correct section. Thank you.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, and AUSTIN HOFEMAN.
Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee
burnett, Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew
Wilkes, Kev Adams, Rich, Dominic Haigh, Dave
Nattriss, Dan Stott, Konrad Petrusewicz, David
Ault, '@mattdawhit, Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris
Evans, d@m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, David
Mills, Derek Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel,
Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington,
Iain Ruxton, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason
Stewart, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude
Evans, Kate Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk,
Matt Buchanan, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris,
Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter
wouda, pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie
Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon
waterfall, Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom
Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef
Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing,
Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy
Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, Simon Balch,
omnipiss, Claire Turner, James Heaver, Phil
Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish,
Phillip Spowart, Roy Santos, Daniel Calvin, Rich
Corcoran, John Daly, nevillebartos, Mike Wilcox,
Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt,
Benjamin Blundell, Katie Steckles, Luka Mikec,
Stuart, Peter Henningsen, Simon Howard, Kier
Fox, tom yeoldeforge, lucas seven, mattcox303,
Robert van Dijk, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie
Hindle, Patrick Hudson, Gerry Spencer, John
Davies, Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore,
and DrumGui76.
Also thanks to the 79 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name in the newsletter. You
are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors:
DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies, Paul
Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, Harry
Simpson, Paul Martyn, Ian Walker and Richie
Hindle.
Remember you TOO can contribute to the Patreon,
it means your editor can afford to write this
newsletter thing as it takes time and effort.
Your help makes it possible. And today is his
birthday so you know what a perfect birthday
present would be? Giving him money.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (HB Rob - Kat)
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "UP THE 'RA" FESSHOLE
"Mum missed me when I left for uni. I sneaked
home as a surprise, and jumped out at her and
Dad for a laugh. But this was Northern Ireland
in 1993, I was dressed in goth black, and Dad
was police. The poor guy thought the IRA had
come to kill him. Still feel awful about it."
