NEWSLETTER: "B3TA IS NOW 'MICROSSOFT AI BOLLOCKS 3000'. USE THIS NAME OR WE'RE IMPOSING TARIFFS"
* TAKING THE PISS - out of Matt / The Telegraph
* CHALLENGE - Music and food photoshops
* QUIZ - Guess the popularity of an old meme
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the Web's
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | soul by asking it to
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| accept HTTP Jesus"
B3ta newsletter 975 - 9th Jan 2026
Ask Alexa to whisper this issue but make it sexy:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue975
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their fam very proud. A-hem
* INTRODUCING... TINFOIL MATT - Your editor
continues his obsession with bots and
procedural, but not AI, jokes which take Matt
from the Telegraph's cartoon going rather
conspiratorial. "Being next to all those
far-right columnists, would probably make you go
potty", Rob exclusively tells himself at the
B3ta newsletter. This follows up last week's
Grok Of Shit, and really they are the Yin and
Yang of the same thought: lunatics are in
charge, let's make stupid jokes and make
ourselves laugh, to stop the walls closing in.
https://bsky.app/profile/tinfoil-matt.bsky.social
* DIARRHEA DAVE - Dave Bagpuss writes, "In
'celebration' of the Pepto Bismol ad now being
on the radio, I took some popular radio-friendly
songs and added the 'Diarrhea' guy." Enjoy the
videos on the whole thread.
https://bsky.app/profile/bagpuss.org/post/3mbrrjk7...
* A CHILDREN'S BOOK ABOUT POO - MikeIsBrill
writes, "Published on January 15th by
Bloomsbury, and illustrated by Gareth Conway
(the guy who does the Greg The Sausage Roll
books, so knows how to deploy brown), Poo! What?
Where? is a fun, funny, strikingly
information-dense book about that smelly stuff
you push out of the smelly hole in your smelly
bottom. I've done over 15,000 poos, mostly into
or near toilets, so I know what I'm talking
about."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/152667124...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes else we'll shrug a bit
Each week we beg you to buy some clothes as we
don't like to imagine our readers reading our
newsletter in the nude, as they'll get all their
nudity over our lovely ASCII prose and URLs. So
dig deep and spend spend spend with our sponsor
and buy some sturdy clothing, all made in the
UK, to the highest standards, and designed to
last.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fesses fessed up like the renegade fester
We run the Club Penguin account Fesshole and you
use it to spread your collective misanthropy to
the world. Some bits that amused us this week
include:
* MAKE THE RICH PARANOID - "My local foxhunt
think I'm a huge supporter. Truth is I've been
using the info to secretly sab them for years.
I've passed on proof about illegal hunting that
has had two people arrested & definitely helped
get trail hunting banned. Regret nothing."
* XMAS REVENGE - "This Christmas I've cooked,
cleaned and run around after our entire extended
family. My other half has done fuck all, except
sit and complete a very tricky 1000 piece
jigsaw. Unfortunately when they get to the end,
they'll find it's now a 999 piece jigsaw. I ate
a piece in spite"
* IS THIS US? - "45 y/o, in a nightclub for the
first time in years. Young lad burst into the
toilets & caught me furtively trying to open a
little ziploc bag. He said 'just a heads up, the
bouncers come in here to check for drugs'.
Couldn't tell him it was my bag of googly eyes,
to stick on a poster"
Follow the account on Facebook where Meta has
limited our reach because some stupid fess
comparing eating pork crackling to crack cocaine
has been deemed 'promoting drug use'. Thanks
Zuckerberg, you AI-glasses wearing weirdo.
https://www.facebook.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows. GLASGOW (New announcement),
Leeds, Leicester, Luton and Sweden. Also Anon
Opin shows in Glasgow and Leicester. HOORAY!
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books so we get £30 approx kickback per
month in Amazon tokens which we generally spend
on homebrewing equipment and herb stripping
knives.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Now incorporating 'Web Loser Magazine'
* HAVE I GOT MEMES FOR YOU - Random images
loaded from KnowYourMeme - can you guess which
is the most popular? Works better than a lot of
quizzes like this because even if you don't know
the memes - which you most likely won't - you
can make rational deductions based on how you
think the internet works.
https://memehigherlower.github.io
* UNREALISTIC MTV SIMULATOR - A database of
YouTube clips and a random button is usually a
decent format, until the videos start being
taken down by YouTube and it becomes a
maintenance nightmare, at least. This one plays
all the songs from various eras of MTV, though
the fact that the 2020s MTV is not just 4 songs
and endless reality TV makes us a bit suspicious
of the data's accuracy.
https://wantmymtv.vercel.app
* THE REST IS CLICKSTORY - W****e of the week is
this history game in which you must guess the
sequence of events that usually end up leading
to a handful of cunts getting all the money.
https://ripplegame.app
* WINCE AT THIS GAME - someone has built a
version of Flappy Birds where you have to fold
your phone to make the bird wings flap. Actually
makes us feel physically anxious, well done that
man.
https://bsky.app/profile/rebane2001.bsky.social/po...
* GAME: YOU'RE THE TORRENT NOW DOG - gub~gub
writes, "This Tetris like game is quite the time
waster. Each round lasts about 30 min so it's
perfect for eating up those last painfully long
last hours of your day." We enjoyed the concept
that you're the data inside a torrent, next week
could we have a game where you have to load data
into an Amstrad CPC at just the right baud rate
to prevent a read error B?
https://flaringk.itch.io/grist-torrent
* "YOU CAN'T SPELL, YOU CAN'T SPELL" - Enjoyed
this from Jon Hendren who tells BluSky, "i
bought the domain ohhh.lol a while back just
because and the other night i noticed it gets
like 100-150 unique hits a day from people
typing it in their posts and group chats where
it tries to load the url preview." If you can't
be arsed to click, it adds "hey nice typo,
idiot" to your post.
https://bsky.app/profile/jonhendren.com/post/3mbsi...
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Smelly Films
Here's the best images from last week:
* NINJ stinks up the place with Michael Caine's
dodgy acting
https://b3ta.com/challenge/smellyfilms/popular
* TRIBS gives us Diddly Squat's finest films
https://b3ta.com/board/11424094
* OCTO reminds us of when we once had a (great) British film industry
https://b3ta.com/board/11424185
* See all the other images from the 'Smelly
Films' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/smellyfilms/popular
>> This week: Music and Food II <<
It's been 147 dog years since we last did a
music and food challenge, so let's mash them up
again. Make songs and album covers about grub,
design a sausage trombone or bake us an album
cover cake. Whatever you like. Suggested by
Captain Howdy.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musicandfood2/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups - pretty dark stuff we're afraid
* THE KNIFE ANGEL - Sneak7h1ef returned to our
links board to give a personal account linking
these Knife Angel films to the loss of son
Reece, whose epilepsy, brain injury,
exploitation and violence preceded his death,
highlighting crime, mental health, county lines,
and police involvement.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Knife_Angel_Part_1_2
* REST IN PEACE, JABBERWOC - Fadgebadger got in
touch to tell us that a long time b3ta member
has passed away, "We are saddened to share the
passing of Mark Woods, known to many here as
Jabberwoc. Mark was a valued contributor to this
community and a genuinely good person, generous
with his time, thoughtful in his words, and
deeply creative."
https://b3ta.com/board/11424146
* CHTHONIC BECOMES ICONIC - and more cheerfully,
our our onetime QOTW moderator Mike Trinder has
gone viral with his Christmas gift from his
kids:
https://bsky.app/profile/chthonicionic.bsky.social...
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: BEST ANON OPIN, FEATURING REPLIES
Because replies maketh the content
A quirk of Anon Opin is that although it's less
popular in followers than Fesshole it gets far
more entries because it's easier writing
opinions than it is anecdotes, and it's in the
replies where the jokes tend to lurk. Some fun
ones this week include:
* ACTING - "No actor has ever achieved more fame
and success with less range than Clint
Eastwood." Best reply? "Sergio Leone once said
Clint Eastwood only had two facial expressions:
scowling, and scowling with a hat on." (thx
Jerry Brennan)
* NOUNS - "There should be more recognised
collective nouns for professions: a calamity of
politicians, a kindness of nurses, a tosspot of
lawyers, and so on." Best reply? "A wunch of
bankers." (thx Matt Simpson)
* TYPING - "The fact that calculators and
computer keyboard numeric keypads have 789
across the top, while phone number keys have 123
at the top, is one of the greatest user
interface design failures of all time." Best
reply? "Agreed. They should both be rotary."
(thx bee 'hyphen' moh)
And we'll throw in this bonus one from your
editor, which feels like cheating, but in raw
numbers it was the third most popular reply on
BluSky this week. In the charts at last.
* GROT - "I'm always curious about who goes into
the local corner shop and buys a copy of Razzle
or Escort. Surely, a copy hasn't been sold in 20
years? Though I do like a glance at the front
cover while buying a loaf of bread." Best reply?
"The online safety act was pushed through by Big
Magazine hoping to revive sales for retro wanks"
(thx Rob Manuel - lol, outrageous self-nepotism
at B3ta HQ)
Follow the account no one is calling 'Elon
Opin':
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you in the idea minge
* NEW PARENTAL FIGURES FOR THOSE TRAGICALLY
ORPHANED IN MIDDLE AGE - Quite sad our optician
has retired. We mean fair enough, he's 80, but
as you get older you meet fewer and fewer people
in work situations where it feels a bit
paternal/nice uncle. He made us feel like a big
kid. Enjoy your retirement you lovely man.
* I HAVE A 40 YEAR GRIEVANCE, THE PODCAST - just
remembered that an old art teacher once ripped
up our work for not being realistic, when it was
realistic, they just hadn't asked what we were
painting, which wasn't a car on a road, but crap
computer game featuring a car on a road. Imagine
the podcast for closure, "Sorry, not sure I
remember, I remember a boy with spots..."
* SHANE MCGOWAN THE TEXT ADVENTURE - "Drink" You
glug down another beer. "Brush teeth" Sorry, I
do not understand that command. (This filler
idea comes from working in East Finchley library
today and sitting opposite the biographies
section. You're lucky to not get a joke about
Nelson Mandela's Long Walk To Freedom, The Text
Adventure. "Walk" You have completed 0.0001% of
your walk to freedom, what now?)
Send us your projects, coz occasionally people
do and they end up successful and famous and
will earn loads of money. Ok, it happened a
couple of times in 2005, but lightning might
strike again.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, MICHAEL KITT, and AUSTIN HOFEMAN.
Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee
burnett, Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew
Wilkes, Kev Adams, Rich, Dominic Haigh, Dave
Nattriss, Dan Stott, Konrad Petrusewicz, David
Ault, '@mattdawhit, Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris
Evans, d@m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, David
Mills, Derek Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel,
Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Iain Brassington,
Iain Ruxton, Ivan Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason
Stewart, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude
Evans, Kate Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk,
Matt Buchanan, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Morris,
Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter
wouda, pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie
Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon
waterfall, Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom
Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef
Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing,
Stevey Garland, Helen Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy
Tillett, Stafford Lawrence, Simon Balch,
omnipiss, Claire Turner, James Heaver, Phil
Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart, Mellyfish,
Phillip Spowart, Roy Santos, Daniel Calvin, Rich
Corcoran, John Daly, nevillebartos, Mike Wilcox,
Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt,
Benjamin Blundell, Katie Steckles, Luka Mikec,
Stuart, Peter Henningsen, Simon Howard, Kier
Fox, tom yeoldeforge, C Bond, lucas seven,
mattcox303, Robert van Dijk, Ian Walker, Paul
Martyn, Richie Hindle, Patrick Hudson, Gerry
Spencer, John Davies, DrumGui76, Harry Simpson,
Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, and Mark Arnold.
Also thanks to the 79 lovely people who also
support us: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR, JF, CW, LA, CJ,
ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, AD, AS, AR, CN, DM, DS, HA,
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CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP, DE, EN, GS, GF,
IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM, MB, MF, NJ, OL,
PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC, SR, SW, TB, TH,
WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, DW, BC, SE, and BB. You
are all sexy beautiful people who we think about
when we pleasure ourselves.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Mark
Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies,
Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, Harry
Simpson, Paul Martyn, and Ian Walker.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort. Getting in some rubles
makes such a difference.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (NP Rob - Kat)
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. Even tell your enemies, especially
tell them wankers.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "ROM COM" FESSHOLE
"Nipped to Curries in my Tesco uniform, a
customer asked me for help buying a dishwasher
and she was fit so I did and when she'd chosen
one I asked her for a date and now we have three
children, the same dishwasher, and NONE of them
can load it." Best reply? "You made her an
indesit proposal?" (thx jarvisnumberone)
