NEWSLETTER: "YOUR CHALLENGE THIS WEEK IS STARTING A DRAG ACT CALLED 'SONIC YOOTHA JOYCE'"
* GAME - Guess the LP/Film from the pixels
* 'HACK' - Abuse Amazon as a postcard service
* FESS/ANON - Glasgow shows announced
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | for after we've eaten
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| all our greens"
B3ta newsletter 976 - 16th Jan 2026
Read this to your kids, tell them of the old web
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue976
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making poo sculptures again
* GUESS THE ALBUM FROM THE PIXELS - Kevin Doyle
writes, "Every day you get a pixelated album
cover / movie poster that slowly reveals itself.
Guess it before it stops looking like Amiga
porn." This is quite a good idea actually, and
with a bit of careful curation it could be a
hit.
https://bigjobby.com/pixle
* 'PEOPLE SELLING MIRRORS' MOVES TO BLUSKI -
Nick Mao writes, "Please can you let everyone
know that I have decided to decimate my follower
count by abandoning Twitter (never X) and moving
my moderately successful niche account of people
not being very good at taking photos of mirrors
onto Bluesky. I am standing by to welcome
followers old and new." We quizzed him further
like David Beckham going "tell the truth" at
Victoria and he said, "I left Twitter as my mam
told me Elon musk is going round pulling
everyone's pants down. Not really. Twitter just
got shit."
https://bsky.app/profile/sellingamirror.bsky.socia...
* CISTERCIAN CLOCK - sinisterduck writes, "If
monks in the 13th century came up with a
cracking way to display the numbers 1 - 9999 as
a single character, the least we can do is make
a clock out of them." Next week, David Icke
vibe-codes an alarm clock that tells you to
"wake up sheeple".
https://codepo8.github.io/cistercian/clock.html
* ONE IN A BILLION SPHERICAL EGG - Pig Face
Turnip writes, "I've got my hands on a round egg
and am going to make the world's first egg cup
designed specifically for a spherical egg." We
poked Mr Turnip a bit more on Whatsapp to get
more detail and the conversation descended into
insanity and the only usable phrase we got out
of him was "Probably make more money delivering
spunk around Camden." Good luck!
https://b3ta.com/links/One_in_A_Billion_Spherical_...
* ART FOR YOUR MUM TO SHARE - Jaunty.art writes,
"I made Caveat Frogs because I want to have a
thing that's more consistent and accessible but
where I still have the opportunity to be weird.
I was thinking over Christmas: What nice things
have I been drawing that your mum might share on
Facebook that's not the usual horrendous things
they would normally post?" So send this to your
mum, if you're a B3ta reader still young enough
to have mums, or their own teeth.
https://bsky.app/profile/caveatfrogs.bsky.social
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
You should buy clothes, because these people
sell them
Ok you know the talking points we always hit:
Hebtro clothes are built to last. They're not
cheap but they're worth it. They're made in the
UK. They're great for presents for men who are
hard to buy for. So let's hit another talking
point: they sponsor b3ta so they're
intrinsically good eggs.
https://hebtro.co/new/
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: FESSHOLE
The fesses bit that accidentally got popular
Each week people ask us in wonder, "do you
really read all the fesses that come in, why
haven't you handed it off to an underling or
AI?" It's because Sisyphean tasks are good for
the soul, dodge them at your peril. Some good
ones this week included:
* CLASS WAR - "I'm the PA to a CEO of a very
large global corporation. It's been an eye
opener for me, the guy can't do the simplest of
daily life tasks, like make a cup of coffee. If
there was an apocalypse he would be the first to
go - that thought keeps me going."
* TOOT TOOT! - "I'm a train driver, I'll blow my
horn and wave at any kids, elderly or drunks who
give me the sign, I love it. But trainspotters
pestering us to blow the horn, filming
everything we do including mistakes so they can
upload it can fuck off. Nobody likes a grass."
* PARENTING - "Eldest daughter recently came out
as gay. Over the moon. Now she won't have to
deal with boys. I was one once, and we're all
cunts. BTW: me and her mum have known for
years."
Follow the account that finally has over 100k
followers on Blusky, which means we have 1.6m
followers for this shit. We're basically Taylor
Swift's cat.
https://bsky.app/profile/fesshole.bsky.social
COME AND SEE THE SHOWS - Fesshole Live will tour
Leicester on 14 February 2026, followed by Leeds
on 4 March, Luton on 12 March, and Glasgow on 16
March, before heading to Sweden for dates in
Malmö on 23 April, Göteborg on 24 April, and
Stockholm on 25 April. Anon Opin Live will also
appear in Leicester on 12 and 13 February 2026,
with a further date in Glasgow on 17 March.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the yellow book, buy the red book, think
yourself lucky we never got round to making the
blue book.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
No, not shites in beef, that was a printing
error
* AMAZON 'POSTCARD' HACK - Turns out on Amazon
Prime you can send things, even cheap things
that cost a couple of quid, to friends with free
postage, and also attach a note. Effectively a
postcard with a free gift. The page is all
examples in the US, but we've just tried it in
the UK and sent a £2 bottle of lime squash to a
friend of the newsletter. Hope you enjoy your
cordial, Sue.
https://walzr.com/postal-arbitrage
* JUST SOME STUPID HTML DOGGY FUN - type
'qwertyuiop' to spawn Pomeranian dogs. Made our
brain spin out imagining a shoot-up-em Scramble
game entirely based on old Geocities gifs, so
someone please build that too.
https://poms.fun
* ARE YOU OBSESSING OVER 'DOCKING' IN TOP GUN? -
This person has obsessed over one specific
moment in a retro game. Not the pants down
sequence in IK+, sadly, but rather the docking
sequence in Top Gun on the NES. There's a big
nerdy write-up if you're interested in such
things, or just scroll to the bottom where you
can play the notoriously difficult challenge
over and over again.
https://relaxing.run/blag/posts/top-gun-sim/
* WORDS THAT'LL MAKE YOU CROSS - W****e of the
week is this rather difficult puzzle in which
you must slide the words on the solved crossword
to create new words and attempt to pull the
whole thing apart. Makes sense when you play it,
though the fact it is impossible to explain
clearly in text here presumably makes it a vibe
coding-proof concept.
https://uncrossy.com
* GUARD SIMULATOR - Watch the security footage
closely because once a day, a crime will happen
and you must press the alarm. Having viewed the
source to cheat and see what the incident
involves, I'm now wondering if there's a tiny
The Day Today Security Guard reference there,
though more likely a coo-incidence.
https://absurd.website/guard-simulator/
* EPSTEIN-FILEZ.TXT - Need a Windows 7 Home
Premium product key? There's one in the Epstein
files. Thanks Jeffrey.
https://www.justice.gov/epstein/files/DataSet%201/...
* MAKE A LINK CREEPIER - Dave W writes, "One for
the newsletter I reckon, this is incredible",
yes should you wish you make a link look
dodgier, you are in luck. We would paste one
into this very newsletter but it would probably
get stuck in spam filters and no one would read
this important copy we've spent all day writing.
https://creepylink.com/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Music and Food II
Always a mystery what image challenge will get
lots of entries and what won't - mixing up food
and music is apparently your bag as it's 134
entries so far, which in these days of b3ta not
living in 2005, is basically like us breaking
the internet with getting our arse out.
Some good ones include:
* 'The Legendary Pink Dot' brings us the beefy
truth behind the Radiohead cover
https://b3ta.com/board/11424623
* 'Captain Howdy' makes us sing 'You Never Give
Me Your Lolly"
https://b3ta.com/board/11424366
* And 'Monkeon' warbles "Cause if you like it,
then you shoulda put a ring on it" as he's been
known to sing on many a Leeds Karaoke night
https://b3ta.com/board/11424622
See the lot, you will smirk at some of it,
unless you're dead. But if you are dead, do get
in touch, as we'd love to interview a ghost.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/musicandfood2/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow ups on previous stories
* HOW LOUD CAN YOU SHOUT? 'Grim' got in touch to
say that we once asked for a game called "SHOUT,
celebrating Tears For Fears with a microphone
game that tests how *long* you can shout. Roland
can probably do it for a minute, can you?" And
he says, "As it happens, I did this a while ago.
I've checked and it still works, so have at it."
Hmm, doesn't quite contain the TFF's stylings we
imagined but yes, that's technically the idea,
but not the spirit. MORE ROLAND! MORE CURT!
https://squirrell.org/shout/
* DIARRHOEA REDUX/REFLUX - Last week we linked
Dave Bagpuss's 'Pepto-Bismol Diarrhoea' stuff
but it was in a messy social media form and we
should have waited until it was in one handy
YouTube video. This is that (easier to digest,
ho ho) version.
https://b3ta.com/links/Pepto_Bismol_Diarrhoea_Kara...
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: BEST ANON OPIN, FEATURING REPLIES
Fesshole's less popular sister account
We ask for your opinions and we publish them and
some people think this is complete shit "Rob's
dev>null" as it was memorably called this week,
however some people get it, the point is they
are conversation starters. Some good replies
this week:
* SIMPLE PLEASURES - "There is no greater joy
than to stand under a tree in a rainstorm in the
dead of night, waiting for the deer to come
past." Best reply? "Did...did a leopard write
this?" (thx Duncan Jones)
* EXERCISE - "Nobody needs to know how many
steps you did." Best reply? "Claire, Lisa, and a
drunken fumble with H." (thx Everyone's
Favourite Jim)
* LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE - "If someone falls
asleep somewhere, they clearly need it, so you
should let them. Work, school, transport,
wherever. Let the world turn without them for a
bit; it's not going to hurt anyone in the long
run." Best reply? "Unless it's the driver, then
you probably want to wake them up" (thx Matty C)
Follow the account that'll never be as popular
as Fesshole, but who cares, the point isn't to
be popular, but to scratch the itch of making
shit and throwing it out there for people to
look at and go "hate this, please stop".
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
BONUS REPLY - The thing about your editor
writing code to find the most faved replies is
it keeps throwing up his own posts. This was no
2 this week - thank you fans of Rob's replies.
"It's popular to say that men with big joysticks
and beautiful women are all bad at sex because
all they have to do is show up. I find the
opposite to be true. It's easier for them to
find partners so they have more sex, which gives
them more practice and makes them better at it."
Best reply? "My Quickshot II is well named
because it's very quick and hasn't seen any
action since 1992"
Anyway, a reminder we're doing some Anon Opin
shows too, in Glasgow and Leicester. Come.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off making stuff
Ok, we've got nothing for this bit this week, we
generally make notes so let's treat it as a
writing exercise, and the game is "OLD COMPUTER
GAMES, BUT FUCKED UP SOMEHOW" as that's really
what most of our ideas are.
* PONG - The player is presented with a series
of foodstuffs past their use-by date and asked
"does this smell funny to you?"
* SPACE INVADERS - You're presented with a
series of compound words and phrases without
spaces, and you have to press "space" if the
word should be separated or not. Jesus wept,
this is a bit crowbarred in, but there is a bit
of a real game idea there. ALOT. ANYMORE. etc.
* GRAN TRAK 10* - you work for the council and
have trackers on all the old people to make sure
they're on the right bus, and not doing anything
naughty, like protesting against what's going on
in Gaza. *Yes this is a real 1970s arcade name,
no we don't remember it, and cribbed it off a
Wikipedia list.
You see? You can have ideas, just force yourself
to shit them out from stupid prompt, and if one
actually makes you go "hmm, that could be good
actually" then build the fucker.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE* *MR
PHIL DONNELLY* *STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK*
*24-7 DEATH* *DAVID GREEN* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, CARL DENCH, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE
STRINGER, MICHAEL KITT, and AUSTIN HOFEMAN.
Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee
burnett, Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew
Wilkes, Kev Adams, Rich, Dominic Haigh, Dave
Nattriss, Dan Stott, Konrad Petrusewicz, David
Ault, '@mattdawhit, Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris
Evans, d@m0, Dave Tickle, David Catley, David
Mills, Derek Law, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel,
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Stewart, Jim Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude
Evans, Kate Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk,
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Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross, Paul Smith, peter
wouda, pookong, Ricardo Autobahn, Rich Pope,
Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon, Rob Vincent, Robbie
Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon McDougall, Simon
waterfall, Stuart Ashen, the wub, Tim Jokl, Tom
Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef
Twat, Craig Turner, fourstar71, Jonty Wareing,
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mattcox303, Robert van Dijk, Ian Walker, Paul
Martyn, Richie Hindle, Patrick Hudson, Gerry
Spencer, John Davies, DrumGui76, Harry Simpson,
Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, and Mark Arnold.
Also thanks to the 79 lovely people who also
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WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, DW, BC, SE, and BB. You
are all sexy beautiful people who we think about
when we pleasure ourselves.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Mark
Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies,
Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, Harry
Simpson, Paul Martyn, and Ian Walker.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort. Getting in some rubles
makes such a difference.
http://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (NP Rob - Kat)
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. Even tell your enemies, especially
tell them wankers.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "AMAZING REPLY" FESSHOLE
"In 1991, my girlfriend asked if she could eat
hummus off my ringpiece. I said, why not? She
did, but she never asked to again, right enough"
Best reply? "Maybe she was disgusted you let
another chickpea on you" (thx JayTea)
