NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER VOTED MOSTLY LIKELY TO GET 20 VOTES IN AN ELECTION WHILST DRESSED AS A CABBAGE"
* REFORM - who's been already sacked?
* KEYWORDS - quite fun word game, word fans
* YOUTUBE - make videos spin, because, reasons
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | typing up all our fav bits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| as a Word doc... together"
B3ta newsletter 987, 22nd May 2026
Read newsletter alphabetically & get confused:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue987
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK(S) #1
Other than making trouser sausages great again
* REFORMED AND SACKED - Chris Barker has been
keeping an eye on which Reform councillors have
been sacked, a few days into the job, and has
put together a site to celebrate their
uselessness. Please help him out by giving him
updates from your area. He tells us "My Tory
election wipeout bingo was massive and I didn't
think I'd ever get to do another one. This is
kind of like the same but in reverse. If it
carries on like this they'll all be gone by next
Thursday..."
https://refukked.lovable.app
* KEYWORDS, AN ACTUALLY QUITE FUN WORD GAME -
Dave Bagpuss writes, "I made a new daily word
game. Find the five connected words of
increasing length by typing into the boxes. Each
time you type the correct letter, you move on to
the next until you complete the word." This is
actually rather good, we hope it takes off Dave,
and we can have 1% of your million pounds when
ZAPP64 buys it.
https://keywords.bagpuss.org/
* LOVING PIXEL ART, OF JUST ONE DOG - Oskar
Myllergard writes, "I made a small website
that's just looping pixel-art gifs of my dog and
the stuff he loves. Like meatballs and carrying
around his stuffed girlfriend. No game, no app,
no AI, no real point beyond dog being doggo."
Lovely stuff, keep up the good work Oskar.
https://stuffmydogloves.com
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes to dress yourself stylishly
Thanks to Hebtro for continuing to sponsor this
newsletter for bloody years, and our job is to
tell you they make clothes, all produced in the
UK, to the highest quality, that last for ages,
and ideal for yourself or for gifts. Dig in and
dig deep.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE
Your fess, was just the start of it
Confession is magic word, if we'd called this
B3ta spin off project "occasionally funny
anecdotes" you would have never have heard from
it again. So be careful what monsters you will
into reality by naming your whims. So good-ish
ones this week include:
* EGGS - "A few years ago when my son was young
I convinced him that it wasn't worth buying
Easter eggs when they first appear in shops
'because they are not ripe yet'."
* ALIENS - "Was convinced I'd been abducted by
aliens walking home from the pub. Terrified, I
woke my partner to tell her I had an hour of
missing time. Realised the next day my phone had
automatically put the clock forward an hour for
daylight savings."
* SEX - "My annoying flatmate was having a night
of noisy passion in the bedroom next to mine.
Imagine my surprise then when, in the morning I
opened the door to her long term boyfriend.
'She's in her room,' I said letting him in, and
the fireworks commenced."
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for the funny one with
posts pictures of Bono straining for a shit.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows: 18 June 2026 - New Adelphi
Club, Hull; 20 June 2026 - Cambridge Junction.
Thanks to everyone who came to Manchester, you
were loads of fun.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books that people tell us are good, but
obviously we haven't looked at since we made
them, out of fear they might be riddled with
demons.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK(S) #2
Two sections as we skipped newsletter last week
* ARE YOU ADDICTED TO YOUR PHONE - Carlos
writes, "I recently built a web game for a
nonprofit to highlight the dangers of phone
addiction, but then accidentally made a really
addictive game instead. The client can't touch
it so if any of the b3ta crowd want to have a
play of it?" This is a neat idea but we're too
busy with doom scrolling to finish playing.
https://downtime.partridge.works
* THE POO PIPER - B3ta old school alumni Koit
writes, "Don't usually post most of the things I
make on B3TA as I make so much it would seem
like spam. This one however, I feel, deserves to
be shared." We actually quite enjoyed this and
it's nice to hear from Koit after all these
years. HELLO KOIT!
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Pood_Piper
* LET'S MAKE YOUTUBE VIDEOS SPIN - Lepetitg
writes, "I just made this small thing to watch
youtube videos while they spin at any speed. I
wish I could add a doppler effect or a swishing
sound, but that will have to wait." We're not
quite sure why this exists, but we're glad it
does, and we're happy to bring it to the
attention of more people.
https://spintoob.greg.technology/
* NICE THINGS IN LOCAL NEWSPAPERS - Scaryduck
writes, "I've been running Angry People in Local
Newspapers since 2009, and it delivers gold
every single day. But now I'm old and have had
the cynicism thrashed out of me, so I'm giving
back some positivity on the hellsite that is
Facebook. In a world gone to shit, everyone
needs a daily dose of Nice Things. RONSEAL: Nice
stories about nice people doing nice things,
sometimes with baby animals." This is well
meaning, Scaryduck, but you know news, it's BAD
news that travels fast, so good look bucking the
trend.
https://www.facebook.com/share/18LZgXBomn/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Six links to click before you die
* CRISPY BOLLOCKS - This describes itself as
Letterboxd for Crisps, so connoisseurs such as
pop's Paul Heaton can now log their collection
in hyperspace. Hopefully still under
construction, as it seems to be lacking vital
Snaps.
https://www.crispbag.co.uk/
* HOW FUCKED IS AMERICA? - Tracking how close
America is to Idiocracy by defining some key
events from the movie and updating whenever a
new moronic thing happens that is closer to said
event coming true. Could probably do a bleak
Children of Men one for the UK.
https://idiocracy.wtf/
* TRAIN JAZZ - Doing nothing to convince
doubters that jazz is sometimes no more than a
random racket, this makes music based on trains
running through New York. Nice etc.
https://www.trainjazz.com/
* CRYPTO SCAM THAT'S A BIT FUNNY - How one man
stole $200,000 in crypto coins by sending morse
code to Grok. We live in a very stupid science
fiction future likely written by Kurt Vonnegut.
https://www.dexerto.com/entertainment/x-user-trick...
* IMAGINE THE INTERNET _ Joke browser that
doesn't render web pages, it just guesses what
they should look like based on feeding the raw
HTML to a large language hallucination machine.
We wouldn't advise installing, but check out the
pictures.
https://github.com/scosman/cursed_browser
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
CITV
Here's the best images from last week:
* "2 Can Chunder" has tackled Skeletor's
notoriously heterosexual adversary
https://b3ta.com/board/11427738
* "S4RK" has followed Mr Spoon and done this for
buttons
https://b3ta.com/board/11427781
* "Plankton" has decided to paint the whole
world with a dirty protest
https://b3ta.com/board/11427780
* See all the other images from the 'CITV'
challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/citv/popular
>> This week: Fictional Electioneering <<
We're all bored of the local elections, but what
if General Zod or Bungle were standing? Show us
how your favourite fictional characters would
fare as politicians, their leaflets and stunts,
or just pop Zardoz into a famous campaign
poster. Suggested by steevieb.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/fictionalelectioneering/...
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Yep it's the opinions bit, opinion fans
People tell us that they prefer Anon Opin to
Fesshole, and you're all wrong, they are both
equally terrible.
Some opinions this week that we enjoyed some
replies to included:
* FIXING DEMOCRACY - "In the Eurovision Song
Contest, each contestant should have their
country kept secret until after the vote." Best
reply? "And here, representing a mystery country
is Jean-Pierre Dubois singing 'J'adore les
Baguettes'." (thx seancarpenter)
* WHO WANTS A FIGHT? - "I think that the north
of England would beat the south of England if
there was a fight. Let's all meet up in Cannon
Hill Park, Birmingham on the 1st of July and
settle this once and for all." Best reply?
"Meeting up for a fight in the Birmingham area
is very dangerous, in fact it could be Dudley"
(thx LarkinBloom)
* YUCK - "When did we collectively decide to
start saying 'pre-loved' instead of 'second
hand'? And more importantly, can we fucking stop
it?" Best reply? "Jumpers are second hand.
Fleshlights are pre-loved." (thx Curious Iguana)
Block this account now, just to be safe.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Ideas to inspire you to make some crap
* A MOVIE/TV QUOTE SOUNDBOARD - but carefully
edit the quotes so it says how the quote is
remembered "Beam me up Scotty" "Don't tell him
your name, Pike"
* A SECOND MOVIE/TV QUOTE SOUNDBOARD - but
carefully edit the quotes, using CoolEdit Pro
2000, so they're absolute horseshit, "The name
is James. James Bond"
* EARSTEMS - wear increasingly long earbuds and
see if anyone notices. Yes this is filler, shut
up. We're writing this on the tube.
Tell us your HTML shame and we might publish it
for everyone to despair.
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stuart Ashen, the
wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron
Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig Turner,
fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen
Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford
Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire Turner,
Phil Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart,
Mellyfish, Roy Santos, Phillip Spowart, Daniel
Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly, nevillebartos,
Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt,
Oni, Katie Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon
Howard, Peter Henningsen, Kier Fox, tom
yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri Bionic, lucas seven,
mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick Hudson,
Robert van Dijk, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie
Hindle, Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore,
John Davies, DrumGui76, and Mark Arnold.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Mark
Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies,
Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, Harry
Simpson, Paul Martyn, and Ian Walker.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "REPLY" FESSHOLE, IT'S SPREADSHEETS AGAIN
"I keep a meticulous spreadsheet of every guy
I've ever shagged, with a list of acts we
performed, a rating and a little note.
Highlights include 'He was very well hung which
made up for the fact he was unusually
enthusiastic about Pokemon.' I'm up to number
52." Best reply? "Make sure you practice safe
sex or you're gonna catch em all" (thx Tallboy
Jimbo)
