NEWSLETTER: "IF YOU LIKE URLS, THEN YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT, URL FANS"
"IF YOU LIKE URLS, THEN YOU'RE IN FOR A TREAT, URL FANS"
* QUIZ - identify 80s popstars via crap drawings
* NUMBERS - can you collect all 100 of them?
* HEAD OVER HEELS - 8bit game gets late sequel
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web by
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | recording our fav bits
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| on a C90... together"
B3ta newsletter 988, 29th May 2026
Read this newsletter to your child this bedtime:
https://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue988
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pillows sweaty
* IDENTIFY OLD POP STARS FROM THE DRAWINGS
'LOOK-IN' READERS SENT INTO A MAGAZINE - Your
newsletter editor was recently amused by the
crap drawings in old copies of Look-In and
wondered if there was a quiz in it. Monkeon
stepped up to the challenge and writes, "Look-In
game is go! My assumption is that it's pretty
easy as I went for multi-choice rather than
having to type. Hopefully the 'Someone Else'
option makes it a bit trickier." This is
obviously the best thing that has ever happened
and we scored 10 out of 10. Maybe you can do
worse?
https://www.monkeon.co.uk/look-in-star-portait-cha...
* ANGINE DE POITRINE VS THE FLUMPS -
blokeymcblokeface has taken trending
French-Canadian band 'Angine de Poitrine' and
mixed them with The Flumps to create
"flumpcore". If you don't know the band, they're
the ones who dress like pop-art Noseybonks and
play in quarter tones so all the music sounds
wobbly, like you're coming up on six poached
eggs.
https://b3ta.com/links/Angine_de_Poitrine_vs_The_F...
* DUCKS - THE MOVIE - AJ Jefferies writes, "I
have made an animated short film called 'DUCKS'.
It is about some very normal ducks. It's
self-funded and made by me, on my own, EXCEPT
for the wonderful score and sound, which were
created by Tom Hudson of Megalithic Sound." Ooh
this is lovely and a bit weird, like rubbing
your genitals with an aubergine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Our sponsors sell clothes, please buy them
Hebtro has one mission in life: make clothes in
the UK, to a high standard, so that they last a
long time. Your mission, if you choose to accept
it, is to buy their clothes and look cool as
fuck. Go on, you deserve to buy your first new
clothes since buying some terrible comedy
t-shirts in the mid noughties.
https://hebtro.co/department/new/
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: FESSHOLE, THE PROJECT FROM HELL
Fesses, fessed up again, like penis sick
Back in 1982 we started a Ceefax page where
people would phone in their fesses and we'd type
them into a BBC Micro, and then you could read
them on your TV screen if you knew the right
number to type in. Thankfully, we now run this
project with even worse technology.
* GOLD CABLES - "I'm one of those audiophiles
who go on about speaker settings and placement,
cables and DACs to play all my vinyl and high
bitrate music, and force people to listen to 'my
incredible setup'. Turns out I've had my
left/right speakers the wrong way round. For 7
years."
* IT'S JUST A JOKE, SHUT UP - "I always carb
load before the marathon. This morning I sat
down with a chip butty, a sharing bag of crisps,
and a 550g mega bar of Kendal Mint Cake. My
father's running and I want the energy to cheer
him the whole way."
* RELATABLE - "As a wildlife illustrator of over
30 years nobody has ever noticed every horse I
draw is behind a hedge. I can't do the legs.
Have you seen a horse's legs though? How do
those spindly things hold it up?"
Follow the account that only has followers
because you mistook it for the funny one which
posts illustrations from artists who clearly
can't draw hands. Or horses' legs.
https://www.instagram.com/fesshole/
Come to the shows: 18 June 2026 - New Adelphi
Club, Hull; 20 June 2026 - Cambridge Junction.
If you don't come, we'll cry. You don't want to
see a man in tears do you? Oh you do? We'll work
that into the show too.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the books that one day will be seen as the
definitive guide to the stray anxieties of
Generation HEX, should anyone care about such a
thing once AI has made everyone psychotic and
eroded the human desire to create.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/s
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Your guide to this week's forwarded fax funnies
* GET ALL THE NUMBERS - There's a style of game
called 'gacha' which is absolutely moronic but
horribly addictive, as it pleases the pleasure
centres in the brain which gives dopamine
rewards for "ooh, unlocked, new thing" and
someone has applied it to numbers. Yes, you can
unlock the numbers 1 to 100. Possibly made as
satire, to reveal quite how you are being
played, if you play these games, but it's
equally addictive as any instance of this
format, so is it really satire?
https://isabisabel.com/gacha/
* SOMETHING HAPPENS AND I'M HEAD OVER HEELS -
Pleased to see the isometric 3D game Head over
Heels has finally got a sequel, 37 years late,
from the coder assigned to work on it in the
80s. This guy is the same age and it's probably
a more impressive feat than McCartney getting a
new album out, as McCartney can't program an
Atari ST.
https://www.itv.com/watch/news/computer-programmer...
* AN EMPTY ROOM TO WATCH A FILM IN - One for
antisocial American cinema-goers is this tool
that allows you to find empty film screenings so
you'll have the cinema to yourself. Is the data
there to do something similar for the UK?
Although that this happening at all suggests
that cinema is fucked, so enjoy it whilst you
still can, before it goes the way of Marathon
bars and stable governments.
https://walzr.com/empty-screenings
* DO YOU KNOW SUPER-MARIO SO WELL YOU CAN PLAY
IT BLIND? - Inspired by third best Beatle Yoko
Ono's all-white chess board, this recreates
Super Mario Bros with every sprite in sky blue.
The Who should make a musical about someone who
plays a mean game of it.
https://pippinbarr.com/play-it-by-trust/index.html
* HAVE I GOT OLD NEWS FOR YOU - W****e of the
week is a game in which you must guess the year
from the headline. "Pensioners, 72 and 75,
charged 900 by Virgin for watching porn they
claim they didn't order in five-year battle with
media giant" being 2014, that sort of thing.
https://www.headlines.games/
* EGG BROWSER - Marc Andreessen gave us Mosaic,
then fucked it all up by being yet another
billionaire Trumpy weirdo. However, he does
have an impressively ovoid head, which this site
celebrates with a drawing contest.
https://marc-egg.eieio.games/
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Letter Change Art
Here's the best images from last week, which are
quite hard to write up without giving away any
clues, as the fun in them is looking at the
pictures and working out what letter has been
changed, and then getting frustrated and looking
at the filename. Fun for all the family.
* Well done to 'jah-york' who has connected up
Van Gogh and made him miss more than an ear
http://b3ta.com/board/11428326
* Congrats to 'Dave Bagpuss' who has taken the
work of Edward Hopper and not turned Nighthawk
into Streethawk, as that would be a different
game with different rules
http://b3ta.com/board/11428249
* Props to 'hagbardsapple' who has done infamous
things with Mona Lisa
http://b3ta.com/board/11428261
* See all the other images from the 'Letter
Change Art' challenge, more of a crossword
puzzle, than comedy, but fun if you engage with
it.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/letterchangeart/popular
>> This week: Evil Pop <<
What would it be like if pop stars were all
evil? Show us pop stars behaving badly, bad guys
as pop stars, or just slot Gollum into an album
cover. Let's see your bad pop. Suggested by
hagbardsapple.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/evilpop/popular
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: BEST ANON OPINs, FEATURING REPLIES
Yep it's opinion time, opinion nonces
Opinions are like arseholes, they're brown and
smelly, blah blah, you know the score it's
Fesshole's less popular older brother who we
secretly prefer as your editor finds it fun to
reply to them. Some good replies, although not
from your editor, this week include:
* WELL THIS ESCULATED BADLY - "Wiping your bum
with toilet paper is weird. If you get shit on
any other part of your body, you don't wipe it
with some paper and move on, you wash vigorously
with soap and water." Best reply? "My mind was
blown the first time I used a self cleaning
Japanese toilet. Unfortunately the automatic
bidet part didn't really discern between someone
sitting on the seat and someone with the world's
worst hangover so my 3rd use ended up with me
being water boarded while puking." (thx Conner
of Kinghorn)
* TRUMP HAS MADE AMERICA BASHING COOL AGAIN -
"Only Americans could call something gas that
isn't a gas." Best reply? "Or a sport where they
barely use their feet 'football'." (thx Richie)
* DOCTOR JOKE - "Doctors, if you're doing a
prostate exam, please give the guy paper
afterwards to clean off the gel. Nothing worse
than wandering around with squelching arse
cheeks looking for a toilet afterwards." Best
reply? "Went for a prostate exam and the doc
told me to take my trousers down and bend over.
He said 'Now you might get an erection or feel
the urge to ejaculate Dave, but just try to
resist it'. I said 'no problem doctor, but my
name's not Dave'. He said 'I was talking to
myself'" (thx Hugh Parker)
Block this account and everyone who follows it
just to be sure.
https://bsky.app/profile/anonopin.bsky.social
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: FOLLOW UPS ON PREVIOUS STORIES
It's 'what happened next'
Our cyber chum Jonti 'Weebl' Picking has been
inducted into the BFI which is lovely. Actually
this was meant to include B3ta too but your
editor was going through one of his not replying
to emails phases brought on by extreme
procrastination so no internet knighthood for
us, and apologies to the BFI.
https://bsky.app/profile/mrweebl.bsky.social/post/...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to inspire you out of creative apathy
* A COMPENDIUM OF INAPPROPRIATE MOTHER'S DAY
OFFERS - we we slightly amused to get an email
from second hand electrical tat reseller CEX
telling us than an old PlayStation 2 would be an
ideal gift for our dead mother this mother's
day. Not sure she's played a computer game since
Spanner Man on the Amstrad CPC464 in 1985, and
she didn't like it much, too many rats.
* THINK UP AND POPULALISE A HORRIBLE SEX ACT
WITH THE INITIALS 'NY' - just to make everyone
wearing those 'I *heart* NY' t-shirts feel like
a dickhead. Nipple Yiffing? Nut Yoghurting. You
do better.
* WRITE UP A THINK PIECE ON WHY SUPERMAN III IS
THE MOST RELEVANT OF SUPERMAN FILMS AND DESERVES
BETTER THAN 30% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES - Seriously,
the whole Superman using his power to do a heel
turn and become an arsehole is pure Trump/Musk
energy, plus the whole vibe of who controls the
computers and oil controls the world. It's the
story of now. Plus we like watching Richard
Pryor program BASIC.
Send us an email, email fans:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *MARK MCCREADIE*
*STOOBERT* *DION ASHTON* *MARK* *24-7 DEATH*
*DAVID GREEN* *MICHAEL KITT* and *GUB~GUB*.
MARK ADAMSON, IAN SHEEN, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, MICHAEL TRINDER, MIKE STRINGER,
AUSTIN HOFEMAN, and NATHANIEL TAPLEY.
BevS, Tom Dolan, Chris Carline, lee burnett,
Paul Cherry, Tom Wright, Matthew Wilkes, Kev
Adams, DoHa, Rich, Dave Nattriss, Dan Stott,
Konrad Petrusewicz, David Ault, '@mattdawhit,
Adam Lloyd, Anna, Chris Evans, d@m0, Dave
Tickle, David Catley, David Mills, Derek Law,
Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Gia Milinovich, Greg
Neilson, Iain Brassington, Iain Ruxton, Ivan
Kelly, James Donnelly, Jason Stewart, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jude Evans, Kate
Devlin, Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matthew
Collinge, Matthew Morris, Neil de Carteret, Nick
Ross, Paul Smith, peter wouda, pookong, Ricardo
Autobahn, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stuart Ashen, the
wub, Tim Jokl, Tom Ryan, Wil Hadden, Byron
Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Craig Turner,
fourstar71, Jonty Wareing, Stevey Garland, Helen
Gaskell, Ben Ward, Andy Tillett, Stafford
Lawrence, Simon Balch, omnipiss, Claire Turner,
Phil Lovell, Jon Morris Smith, Stuart,
Mellyfish, Roy Santos, Phillip Spowart, Daniel
Calvin, Rich Corcoran, John Daly, nevillebartos,
Geoff Tidey, Ian Walker, Leighton Stevenson,
Funny_Hat, Gillian Parrott, Phil Bennett, Matt,
Oni, Katie Steckles, Luka Mikec, Stuart, Simon
Howard, Peter Henningsen, Kier Fox, tom
yeoldeforge, C Bond, Harri Bionic, lucas seven,
mattcox303, Gerry Spencer, Patrick Hudson,
Robert van Dijk, Ian Walker, Paul Martyn, Richie
Hindle, Harry Simpson, Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore,
John Davies, DrumGui76, and Mark Arnold.
Also thanks to the 78 lovely people who didn't
opt to be thanked by name: NM, BB, JB, GT, SR,
JF, CW, LA, CJ, ES, MC, SF, JB, CO, MC, AD, AS,
AR, CN, DM, DS, HA, IS, JM, NH, PR, SM, MB, CK,
AC, DG, DC, NK, CA, IB, BG, BS, CC, CZ, DH, DP,
DE, EN, GS, GF, IO, JE, JL, JB, LB, LE, LJ, MM,
MB, MF, NJ, OL, PB, PW, PB, RT, RA, RM, RS, SC,
SR, SW, TB, TH, WI, AH, CW, RP, TK, VW, BC, SE,
and BB. You are all legends.
And also thanks to our newest benefactors: Mark
Arnold, DrumGui76, Patrick Hudson, John Davies,
Paul Pod, Tom Loosemore, Gerry Spencer, Harry
Simpson, Paul Martyn, and Ian Walker.
YOUR NAME COULD BE HERE - Remember you TOO can
contribute to the Patreon, it means your editor
can afford to write this newsletter thing as it
takes time and effort.
https://patreon.com/b3ta
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support.
And remember to subscribe, and tell your friends
to subscribe. And especially tell your enemies.
https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: BONUS "REPLY" FESSHOLE, ZOO SEX EDITION
"If you've ever been to a zoo I can guarantee
zookeepers have shagged in every single building
you walk in. I've had sex in the reptile house,
and orangutan habitat among others. My mate
first slept with her husband in the exotic bird
walkthrough. We're worse than the animals." Best
reply? "So your mate's husband turned out to be
a keeper." (thx Callum)
