Dumb Dog
Most of my favourite childhood memories revolve around our pet dog; an insanely amiable black Labrador/mutt. Picture him joyously bounding toward you; tail like a propeller, huge pink slobbery tongue flapping around, big fat ass, inside-out ears
flopping about randomly...

Ye gods, but he was a utter moron.

He kept trying to sniff the goldfish in the pond. Not catch: sniff.

He'd waddle up wagging to the pond, stare at the disinterested Koi in puzzlement, and stick in his snout in for a good, deep sniff. Of course, after inhaling a gout of pond water, he'd fall back sneezing and coughing, and run around the garden shaking his head and whimpering.

Not just the once, oh no.

Not only was our dog was the only dog ever to be out-thought by Goldfish, he was constantly surprised to find out water was - like - wet. My childhood was punctuated by madden dog sneezes.

In summer, the dog would also suck off the low-hanging blackcurrants from the canes - he didn't like them (bitter as hell until sugar-treated) but it was Human Food and therefore must be good, right?!

You would hear this 'shlurpk!' noise, and turn to see the dog with his eyes shut in pain, trying to chew off his own tongue. He wouldn't spit them out or anything sensible, of course; just kept desperately chewing and gagging. Oh, the variety of doggy expressions! Then you'd wait another 30minutes, and there would be another 'shlurpk!' noise...

In Scotland when on holiday, my dad managed to Caber-toss a dead pine thicker than your leg. Because you have to Do These Things when in Scotland, you know.

Of course, to Dumb Dog, tossed caber = thrown stick.

We turned around at an odd scraping noise, to find the dim-witted hound gamely struggling along, a friggin tree unevenly balanced in his jaws.

He'd fart so loud in his sleep that he awake with a jump.

Ah, I'd give anything to give that dumb dog one last hug.
(IChewCandlewax, Thu 1 Jun 2017, 16:55, Reply)