b3ta.com user smutch
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» Churches, temples and holy places

Foot in mouth incident
At the funeral of a family friend, as we were leaving the church, I said loudly but to no-one in particular, "That's odd, it smells like someone's having a barbecue round here."

Then I remembered it was a cremation.
(Fri 2nd Sep 2011, 17:54, More)

» Scary Neighbours

the knife-wielding psycho next door...
A few years ago, I lived in one of those posh yuppy residential developments on the banks of the Thames in East London.

One of our neighbours was a really nasty piece of work - he had a dog that he used to take out for a walk in the courtyard early most mornings. I say walk, but "drag" would be a more appropriate word. He would also kick it and scream at it for no apparent reason. This was a big dog, a lurcher or something like that, but it was clearly a nervous wreck and utterly terrified of its owner.

We reported him to the RSPCA, but when I mentioned this to another of my neighbours, he warned me: "I'd be careful of him if I were you - you really don't want him to know it was you that reported him."

Was I scared? Fuck, yes. The man was clearly a psycho of the first order.

Then as if by magic he suddenly disappeared and we never saw him again. Great, you might think. Only we later found out that the reason he disappeared was because he had gone to prison - it turns out he was the same nutter that murdered someone on a train in France during the 1998 World Cup. And why did he murder him? Just because he suspected him of being Argentinian...
(Thu 25th Aug 2005, 18:18, More)

» Racist grandparents

Travel broadens the mind
Aged 17, I went with girlfriend and her parents to visit her grandparents in Cornwall. To celebrate granny's forthcoming 80th, girlfriend's parents were organising a special trip for her to London to see a West End show.

Upon having the exciting news revealed to her, she replies: "I can't go to London - there are knife-throwing wogs on every street corner!"

I really wish I hadn't been taking a sip of tea at that precise moment…
(Mon 31st Oct 2011, 17:00, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Whiter than white
I grew up a catholic and was an altar boy until I was 17. My last Christmas as an altar boy was pretty memorable. I'd spent Christmas Eve in the pub with my mates before going to church to do my duty on Midnight Mass. I was totally slaughtered, but I'm not sure the priest noticed because I suspect he was rather sloshed too. Probably just as well, cos I kept cocking up, dropping stuff, ringing the bell at the wrong time etc. Halfway through the service, I needed to relieve myself, but it was a crucial moment so I couldn't leave the altar. So I just went in my jeans. That's the benefit of wearing a cassock over your clothes - no one can see the massive damp patch in your crotch.
(Fri 2nd Sep 2011, 17:49, More)

» Breakin' The Law

evening all
I once went out for lunch in the City with my dad. It turned out to be a mostly liquid lunch. Afterwards I was planning to check out an exhibition at the ICA but coming out of Green Park tube station I decided my time would be better spent protesting against the monarchy, so I proceded to run up and down the Mall in front of cars shouting "Fuck the Queen!"

It was't too long before I was being bundled into the back of a police van and taken to Charing X police station where I spent the next few hours sobering up. My recollection of the incident is somewhat hazy but I woke up sorely bruised the next day, which I think to be fair was from me trying to stop cars in their tracks rather than police brutality.
(Wed 7th Jan 2004, 22:28, More)
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