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» What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

We used to go fishing for fish fingers
And, somehow, I always caught some. I'd stick my fishing net in the water, and after a while my dad would say "You've caught one", I'd pull up the net and he'd quickly plunge his hand into the net, take out something and put it in his pocket. We'd do thi a few times, then stop.

Later, when we were home, my dad would go to his coat and take several fish fingers out of his pocket, which we'd then cook and eat.

Took me years to work it out...
(Fri 20th Jan 2012, 22:13, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Where the Hell do I start?
I work in the Historic Dockyard in Portsmouth, and have heard every single one of the following;

Just inside the Dockyard, visible from the bus station, railway station and road, is a large black metal steam ship with a sign next to it saying "HMS WARRIOR 1860". This , apparently, isn't enough, as I've been asked if it's the Mary Rose ("Yes, they built it in 1860, sent it back in time to 1511 where it served in Henry VIII's navy before sinking in 1545 and being raised in 1982"), the Rose Marie (?) the Victory (The wooden ship from the Battle of Trafalgar, which happened in 1805), and most irritatingly, The Titanic ("It funking sunk you twot!") or a replica of it ("It's got fucking masts!")

And you'd think the HMS Victory would be famous enough to be known by it's proper name, rather than as the HMS Nelson (It's the name of the Naval base, so I send them down the road to the main military gate and imagine them trying to get in!), HMS Trafalgar (which is a submarine), the HMS (that's just the HMS), and most stupidly of all, "The Nelson Ship".

At HMS Victory, people seem surprised that you can't take a push chair around, what with them being so common during the Napoleonic wars. I usually tell them that if they want to complain that they should contact Sir Thomas Slade, although they'll have to contact him in 1758 before he designed the ship. They also seem surprised that we won't let them leave their bags outside the ship, which is based in a Naval base. I even had someone ask this last friday. Twot.

I was asked how you get to the Brittania, and I sent them to the railway station and told them to ask for a ticket to Edinburgh.

In the Car Park shop you would often be asked where you paid for your parking, and I would always point them in the direction of the massive (and I do mean MASSIVE) sign with "PAY HERE" written on it. It's much the same when they ask where the Mary Rose is when they're right next to the Giant sign saying "MARY ROSE SHIP HALL"

At the Mary Rose, you are given an audio guide, and all you have to do is press button 0 for the English version. Nothing else, just press button 0. Once. So simple, only a complete moron could get it wrong, you'd think. still, they're better than the ones who "don't need one" and procede to walk around the ship hall talking utter bollocks about the ships history and conservation. It's the "They were much smaller back then" that gets me, especially when someone short says it (FACT! Average Mary Rose crew member height according to the remains of the crew- 5ft 10inches. Who says b3ta's just fwapping and memes?) Oh, and one bloke though it was King Arthurs flagship, and got stroppy when I contradicted him.

And the worst one, which you get at every single ship, is "When does she sail?" Not a stupid question, just really irritating after the thousandth time some twot has said it, expecting you to laugh out loud and congratulate them on their wit. I managed to catch one out once, as the Warrior was being taken into dry dock the next day. That threw the stupid gobshite.

Surprisingly, very few of the people that have said these thing haven't been foreign...

Apologies for length, but I've been wanting to get this off my chest for ages!
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 14:06, More)

» Trolls

Forget Rick-Rolling...
Best Troll Link Ever!
(Fri 20th May 2011, 15:13, More)

» Housemates from hell

Upstairs Dave
We had a flatmate called Upstairs Dave (we had two Daves, one lived in the upstairs room, one in a downstairs room, so we named them accordingly) and he was disgusting. He'd come back from lectures, remove half his clothes and curl up in the living room corner eating some form of food we could never identify, and then talk over whatever you were watching. His room stank of compost, you could sometimes smell it when the door was closed. If you want to know exactly how bad it was, visit Cheltenham railway stations toilets, it smells like that. He even made the Tramps outside smell nice by comparison

What was worse was the fact that he tended to get a bit gay when drunk (although he was fairly camp when sober). Anal sex would invariably enter the conversation, no matter the subject, and he even tried to molest one of our house mates. Luckily we were able to move out, three of us into a shared house with my girlfriend, and Downstairs Dave moved in with his girlfriend. What happened to Upstairs Dave I don't know, but I bet whichever hospital he's in has suffered an outbreak of MRSA

Actually, the worst thing he ever did was make us sit through the "hilarious" rehab-based comedy 28 Days starring Sandra Bullock, which is probably the worst film I have ever seen. You beg an to wish that it was merged with 28 Days Later, and zombies turned up at the rehab clinic, killing all involved. I've since repressed all memory of this film.
(Fri 6th Apr 2007, 0:01, More)

» Urban Legends

I use to believe the old story
about American Tourists asking to go to Loogabarooga and telling their kids that if the icecream van was playing it's chimes it had run out of icecream!
(Sat 7th Jan 2006, 15:35, More)
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