b3ta.com user MartinH
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Profile for MartinH:
Profile Info:

Come from the Midlunds
Live on a boat
Don't like fish

hollowaymartin at hotmail.com

Obligatory band website - www.rockitpad.com

My nephew found a friend called Mr Pecky

Recent front page messages:

Repost for compo

(Thu 6th Feb 2020, 10:41, More)


(Sat 30th Oct 2010, 22:25, More)


(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 13:22, More)


(Tue 10th Aug 2004, 19:32, More)

Call your boss's bluff

(Thu 17th Jun 2004, 21:42, More)


(Sat 22nd May 2004, 17:49, More)


(Sun 21st Mar 2004, 23:19, More)

Right, that's it, he's going back to the shop. I told you we should have chosen the cute ginger one.

(Thu 13th Nov 2003, 11:57, More)


(Tue 11th Nov 2003, 16:40, More)


Woo to Chris for the idea!
(Sun 5th Oct 2003, 15:52, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Have you ever paid for sex?

I was walking along the front on Copacabana beach (as you do)
when a not unattractive lady of the night, came up to me asking if I was interested. Suddenly she grabbed my nuts, laughed and then walked off.

I laughed too, but a bit further on, I suddenly realized that she'd pickpocketed 3 quid from my trousers when she grabbed my nuts.

But I then realized that many people would pay more than 3 quid to have their nuts grabbed.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 16:11, More)

» Jobsworths

When they first brought in £10 fines for not having the right ticket on the underground
they sent out leaflets which explained the rules - and one rule I read said that if you have a travelcard, but go out of zone, you can pay the excess when you arrive.

So when I arrived out of zone, the more than rotund official said

Him - "£10 fine for you, sonny"
Me - "No, the rule is that you can pay the excess when you arrive"
Him - " I work for London Underground, not you, you'll do what I say"
Me - "Fetch the manager"
Him - "No, you'll pay the fine"
Me - "Fetch the manager" - fetches manager
Manager (even more rotund) - "You'll pay that £10 fine, and you shouldn't argue with officials"
Me - " Fetch a book of rules, I'll show you"
Manager - "We haven't got any, they're at another station"
Me - "Well, go and get one"
Manager sends spoddy trainee on tube to another station while we glare at each other, he returns with book of rules - I show him the rule that backs me up.
Manager - "Well, just this once, I've decided to let you off the fine and just pay the excess, but don't ever do that again"

Both go off (and have comfort chips I assume)
(Thu 12th May 2005, 22:51, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

When I worked at the East Midlands Airport restaurant
'emptying the bins' was a three hour operation, which involved seven of us taking turns to do handbrake turns and wheel spins in the restaurant's transit van down a runway service road.

The actual placing of the bin bag into the skip was then carried out with great ceremony and reverence.
(Wed 27th Apr 2005, 17:26, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

A guy at my school
stole a bullet from the cadet force and spent the whole afternoon sitting under the school stage threatening to hit it with a hammer and kill himself.
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 12:11, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Whilst playing frisbee in front of an appreciative gathering
outside the Sofia Palace of Culture in Bulgaria, I hooked a shot into one of its 12ft by 8ft smoked glass windows and broke it.
My friend and I ran away and jumped onto the nearest bus, which was pursued through traffic by a police Lada. We jumped off and hid/got very drunk in a bar.

I hereby apologize to all Bulgarians, because you're all really nice.

A week later, with the same frisbee, my friend hit a 70 year old lady follower of the prophet Petradanov in the back of the head very hard. Luckily she forgave him.

Two days later, the s-bend fell off a toilet midflush, flooding the ancient Sveti Naum Monastery in Macedonia, and so we legged it into the relative safety of Albania.
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 14:31, More)
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