b3ta.com user MartinH
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Profile for MartinH:
Profile Info:

Come from the Midlunds
Live on a boat
Don't like fish

hollowaymartin at hotmail.com

Obligatory band website - www.rockitpad.com

My nephew found a friend called Mr Pecky

Recent front page messages:

Repost for compo

(Thu 6th Feb 2020, 10:41, More)


(Sat 30th Oct 2010, 22:25, More)


(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 13:22, More)


(Tue 10th Aug 2004, 19:32, More)

Call your boss's bluff

(Thu 17th Jun 2004, 21:42, More)


(Sat 22nd May 2004, 17:49, More)


(Sun 21st Mar 2004, 23:19, More)

Right, that's it, he's going back to the shop. I told you we should have chosen the cute ginger one.

(Thu 13th Nov 2003, 11:57, More)


(Tue 11th Nov 2003, 16:40, More)


Woo to Chris for the idea!
(Sun 5th Oct 2003, 15:52, More)

They'd met at the waterhole, realized they had so much in common, and became best friends

(Wed 17th Sep 2003, 0:21, More)

I should have stuck with Desktop Richie and Desktop Motty, but I had to go and download Desktop Tony Martin

(Tue 9th Sep 2003, 17:35, More)

I just received this in an email - I'm pretty sure it's not photoshopped
apparently it's the biggest prawn ever

(Tue 8th Jul 2003, 12:18, More)

No! Bad kitty!

(Fri 4th Jul 2003, 2:07, More)

Almost ..there... mustn't look down.... must.. think.. nuts....

(Fri 9th May 2003, 17:36, More)

Emergency zoo procedure #4

(Mon 5th May 2003, 22:07, More)

That was quite a curry!

(Sat 26th Apr 2003, 23:05, More)

Oi, Frankie you ponce!
Unless that money's here by Friday, you're gonna be swimming with the penguins!

(Sun 20th Apr 2003, 13:37, More)


(Sun 6th Apr 2003, 23:32, More)

Yes, that was very good son, now put it all away, mum's got the tea ready.

(Tue 25th Mar 2003, 11:48, More)

You're not listening mate, it's winner stays on in this pub

(Thu 20th Mar 2003, 20:47, More)


(Sat 15th Mar 2003, 21:22, More)

As british troops strike over their lousy pay rise
The firemen ready their 'Red Duchesses' for the Gulf

(Sat 8th Feb 2003, 13:46, More)

Mr Jones, we have reason to believe that you are using the internet for non work-related activities

(Tue 14th Jan 2003, 0:07, More)


(Sun 29th Dec 2002, 14:28, More)


(Wed 11th Dec 2002, 19:41, More)

Quick! Stop him someone!

(Sat 30th Nov 2002, 18:05, More)

I've always thought this

(Wed 20th Nov 2002, 18:27, More)

The boredom and sexual frustration on the space station
sometimes got to John

(Fri 10th May 2002, 15:57, More)

6 Million Dollar Dog

(Thu 9th May 2002, 14:22, More)

Hoorah for the moomins!

(Tue 7th May 2002, 11:23, More)

Send em all back I say, wasn't like that under Maggie, that Glenn Roeder's done a good job, had that Sooty in my cab the other day ....

(Mon 6th May 2002, 9:30, More)

One was always amused
by the Soup Dragon

(Mon 29th Apr 2002, 10:48, More)

Lisa "Left eye" Lopez's
last moments

(Sun 28th Apr 2002, 12:14, More)

I see dead people.

(Thu 25th Apr 2002, 12:10, More)

When TicTacs Attack KitKats ...

(Wed 24th Apr 2002, 12:34, More)

Crab police!
Here to inspect your shed

(Tue 23rd Apr 2002, 13:03, More)

My imaginary friend
is a beatific Dog who watches over us all

Even those what's trod in dog shit.
(Wed 17th Apr 2002, 14:57, More)

Set me a trap
to get that May sucker.

(Mon 15th Apr 2002, 12:13, More)

Apparently, b3ta does go back a long way
To the first ever historical record of orking, found in Lascaux

(Sun 7th Apr 2002, 1:36, More)

I bet he did this to Ulrika too

(Sat 6th Apr 2002, 14:40, More)

Oh no, not again!

(Sat 6th Apr 2002, 13:19, More)

Fishbear's dog is such an attention seeker
Typical dog really

ps No more, I promise, Fishbear
(Wed 3rd Apr 2002, 3:04, More)

Extreme bungee ascending

(Sat 30th Mar 2002, 7:31, More)

Happy Easter to you all!
Please help yourself from my Eggs Box.

(Fri 29th Mar 2002, 4:56, More)

Puffin Air are going up
against easycoot at the budget end of the comedy bird airline market.

(Wed 27th Mar 2002, 2:22, More)

My wallpaper is now

'Nuff 'spec to people who can really draw!
(Tue 26th Mar 2002, 3:44, More)

Pedal factor 6!

(Fri 22nd Mar 2002, 7:47, More)

Like it!
That exercises my chameleon!!

(Wed 20th Mar 2002, 6:33, More)

Furtive reckoned he'd got away with the Lloyds money
But he hadn't reckoned on AquaDog

Thanks to PickledPizza for AquaDog
(Tue 19th Mar 2002, 8:55, More)


(Mon 18th Mar 2002, 7:37, More)

From experience...

(Tue 12th Mar 2002, 8:23, More)

The Collins-Baker-Collina Bipigwolf

I haven't slept since I saw this. (Unusual for a Friday afternoon)
(Fri 1st Mar 2002, 9:25, More)

The gag of the Ancients

(Tue 26th Feb 2002, 4:39, More)


(Fri 15th Feb 2002, 12:09, More)

Ronny Kray & friend

(Mon 11th Feb 2002, 7:40, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Have you ever paid for sex?

I was walking along the front on Copacabana beach (as you do)
when a not unattractive lady of the night, came up to me asking if I was interested. Suddenly she grabbed my nuts, laughed and then walked off.

I laughed too, but a bit further on, I suddenly realized that she'd pickpocketed 3 quid from my trousers when she grabbed my nuts.

But I then realized that many people would pay more than 3 quid to have their nuts grabbed.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 16:11, More)

» Jobsworths

When they first brought in £10 fines for not having the right ticket on the underground
they sent out leaflets which explained the rules - and one rule I read said that if you have a travelcard, but go out of zone, you can pay the excess when you arrive.

So when I arrived out of zone, the more than rotund official said

Him - "£10 fine for you, sonny"
Me - "No, the rule is that you can pay the excess when you arrive"
Him - " I work for London Underground, not you, you'll do what I say"
Me - "Fetch the manager"
Him - "No, you'll pay the fine"
Me - "Fetch the manager" - fetches manager
Manager (even more rotund) - "You'll pay that £10 fine, and you shouldn't argue with officials"
Me - " Fetch a book of rules, I'll show you"
Manager - "We haven't got any, they're at another station"
Me - "Well, go and get one"
Manager sends spoddy trainee on tube to another station while we glare at each other, he returns with book of rules - I show him the rule that backs me up.
Manager - "Well, just this once, I've decided to let you off the fine and just pay the excess, but don't ever do that again"

Both go off (and have comfort chips I assume)
(Thu 12th May 2005, 22:51, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

When I worked at the East Midlands Airport restaurant
'emptying the bins' was a three hour operation, which involved seven of us taking turns to do handbrake turns and wheel spins in the restaurant's transit van down a runway service road.

The actual placing of the bin bag into the skip was then carried out with great ceremony and reverence.
(Wed 27th Apr 2005, 17:26, More)

» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

A guy at my school
stole a bullet from the cadet force and spent the whole afternoon sitting under the school stage threatening to hit it with a hammer and kill himself.
(Fri 24th Mar 2006, 12:11, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Whilst playing frisbee in front of an appreciative gathering
outside the Sofia Palace of Culture in Bulgaria, I hooked a shot into one of its 12ft by 8ft smoked glass windows and broke it.
My friend and I ran away and jumped onto the nearest bus, which was pursued through traffic by a police Lada. We jumped off and hid/got very drunk in a bar.

I hereby apologize to all Bulgarians, because you're all really nice.

A week later, with the same frisbee, my friend hit a 70 year old lady follower of the prophet Petradanov in the back of the head very hard. Luckily she forgave him.

Two days later, the s-bend fell off a toilet midflush, flooding the ancient Sveti Naum Monastery in Macedonia, and so we legged it into the relative safety of Albania.
(Thu 21st Apr 2005, 14:31, More)
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