b3ta.com user Kavanagh
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» The worst sex I ever had

I apologise now for crudeness.

This was a while ago now. Got back from a night at the local Labour club (yes, they're amazing places to pick up chicks) and went back to the house of a girl I've known quite a while. I'd always wanted some slap and slap with her, so when we got upstairs I'm hearing the word "jackpot" in the back of my mind.

So, we're having a bit of pre-sexing fun and then the time comes for action. We start off and then all of sudden 'down there' feels a bit juicy. I look down to see Red. So, what do I do? Ask her if she's on (yeah, stupid I know). Her reply was no. It turns out that i'm spouting claret out the end of my spam dagger. AND A LOT OF IT.

Having pretty much ruined her matress with what looked like a shooting, I now had to get home, using a towel to contain the bleeding. So, i'm in a taxi, with a towel down my pants and my trousers have blood on them. Whatever the taxi driver must have thought i'll never know.

I finally make it home with a towel that has now been transformed from a nice small floral design into the equivalent of an elephants lady towel. Finally, the bleeding stops. I have a wash, get changed and go to sleep.

Only to be awoken by my dad, who thinks I've tried to kill myself (genuinely) after seeing a towel covered in more blood than the floor at a PMS meeting.

Needless to say, we haven't sexed since.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 16:59, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Multiple locations in one night.
I had, needless to say, been boozing again on the Costa del Birmingham. After getting off the fight bus at the stop nearest my house, I began the epic journey around three streets back to my house.

I still to this day do not understand how this is possible, but one street into my journey I managed to fall asleep standing up. In the middle of the road. How do I know this? Because I was woken up by a loud horn and some very bright lights.

After this monumental shock, I continued on the way home (may I also add I lost one shoe at some point between street 1 and 3; not shoes - shoe). Upon arriving home, I discovered that I didn't own my key and my parents wouldn't answer the door. It was bloody freezing, so rather than die, I grabbed a rolled up carpet we'd left outside to throw away and slept in that. Cue mother's surprise at 9am the next morning to find her son, asleep, on her doorstep, wrapped up in a carpet.

It's the stella that does it to you.

Edit: oh, and on a different occasion, as I've just been reminded, i've slept on a neighbours doorstep, the sofa, the toilet, and then the sofa again. All in the space of around 7 hours. Good oh me!
(Wed 3rd Jan 2007, 11:52, More)