b3ta.com user dogfish
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» Jobsworths

Custard ?
I used to work at Kwik Save for beer money while I was at 6th form. One day a very strange looking old woman pointed at a packet of custard powder on the shelf and asked "Do you sell this ?". After a second or 2, I replied "no, sorry, we don't, try Tesco". I still remember her wandering off without her custard, head drooped in disappointment.
(Thu 12th May 2005, 12:01, More)

» My Christmas Nightmare

Christmas pud anyone ?
My Gran is of an age where bowel and brain control can be difficult.
Last year, during christmas dinner (and a large glass of sherry), a pretty nasty smell was followed by an uncomfortable shuffling by my gran. "Sprouts ! - that's what the smell is" I thought - and hoped. Only when mum suggested my gran stand up, did we see the full extent of the problem. After an earlier "accident" my gran, now pantless, had shat herself. As she stood up, pieces of brown goodness fell to the floor. She picked one up, presenting it to us all. "Christmas pudding anyone ?" she said.
I laughed out loud, my mum didn't see the funny side. We've never spoken of it again.
(Fri 24th Dec 2004, 7:36, More)

» Accidental innuendo

p roste !
my first pearoast !

Waiting for a sandwich in the staff canteen.
Very attractive Asian girl serving.
"Can I help you?"
Guy in front of me- "Yes - do you have brown baps ?"
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 15:00, More)

» Lost...

I lost my job......
All because this married bird wanted me to sort out her nannies work visa in return for a knee trembler.
The bird turned out to be preggers with a li'l bastard and even though the courts say I've got the right to see the kid, it remains a physical impossibility.
(Fri 3rd Dec 2004, 15:18, More)

» Puns

Telly Tubby
A little kid came up to me today and asked "what's your favourite Telly Tubby ?", I replied "probably the Sony Bravia, you cheeky little cunt"
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 13:24, More)
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