b3ta.com user winston_theramin
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» Shit Stories

Standard turds
Apologies if it has been mentioned already, but there are US & European standard turds. I worked in an engineering company and when they test sewer channels for flow characteristics, they use the "Standard" turds, cylindrical weighted objects. The US standard turn is larger than the European. That's a fact.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 2:47, More)

» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

my dear mother
I live 3,500 miles away from my parents. They're lovely people, but my mother gets incredibly intense, and we can't cope with it for more than a few days at a time.

In the meantime, I get a daily e-mail that has somewhere buried in it a reference to how it would all be so much easier/better/happier if I lived closer/we got to see you more often.
(Fri 14th Oct 2005, 23:52, More)

» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

So many embarrassing moments
Holding a cricket bat signed by the England cricket team that was being auctioned for some local charity. Our next door neighbour was Ian Botham's godfather, so he pulled a few strings to get it. For some unfathomable reason, they chose me to model the bat, despite having all the coordination of a giraffe. My mum still has the photo somewhere in the drawer with all the other embarrasssing crap.
(Thu 10th Feb 2005, 15:18, More)

» Shit Stories

My Whippy
Over 10 years ago now and about a friend, but I'm sure she'll indulge me.

Me & a mate are hitchhiking around France in the summer and we end up near Geneva to see another college friend who lives there. Our flatmate, who is really scared of flying, flies out for the weekend. We end up camping near a lake.

Anyway, we find out that the girl who flew over made herself constipated through her fear of flying. She hadn't had a shit in 3 days by the time we take a pedalo out across a lake. Then the urge hits her, as we are 30 minutes away from the nearest toilet. She has no chance of keeping it in. Our other female friend holds a towel in front of her as she proceeds to produce a real Mr. Whippy, coiled to perfection. It's been a group joke ever since.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 2:45, More)