b3ta.com user Suomi_Finland_Perkele
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» Pubs

so many drunken blurred highlights over the years including:
Some chav being given a handjob by his more than likely underage mrs behind a plastic palm tree.

Betting a mate he couldn't drink 2 pints of fosters via a straw up each nostril, he did and promptly passed out.

Same mate taking this girl out on their first date, puking all over her shoes and then getting kicked out by the bouncers only to strip off and piss in a flowerbed by the pub, he got nicked for that one, they were together for 2 years despite this though...

New game of "Viking darts" created whereby all three darts are thrown at once and with full force, cue broken window and getting barred.

And seeing this little old dude walk up to a group of women and casually unzip his flies to dunk his bollocks in one girl's pint to the utter horror of the rest of the pub

The joys of going out drinking in former coal mining slums... Will post more if I can remember/be arsed.
(Sun 8th Feb 2009, 13:34, More)

» Fantasists

I seem to attract these cunts.
I work in IT so my brother in law to be reckons he fits out the networks in all the places I've been but couldn't set up my mums wireless printer, fail.

My mate collects vinyl and he has some twat at his work claiming to make £30k a week from his network of record dealers, owns 2 farms in Spain and has a lockup with over a million records guarded by hells angels. He works in a curry factory. Yep...
(Sat 7th Jun 2014, 9:23, More)

» Utterly Drunk

I ended
up on stage shirtless at my then-gf's prom night belting out ACDC and Free but in a Deathgrunt stylee with the band and then got drinks bought for me all night! No puke was involved!
(Thu 14th Feb 2013, 15:30, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

It was my second year in middle school (or year 6 as its now known) and we had the dubious honour of sitting with one of the most compulsive liars I have ever met.

Twas 1990 and the fashionable kids had Master Systems and Nintendos for yuletide gifts, but not PS, oh noooo, y'see his "uncle owned Nintendo" so he'd said they weren't any good so had bought PS a Neo-Geo and Laserdisc, but when someone had actually been to his house they had "gone in for repairs" - convenient that.

The Zenith of PS' reverie though was Fabio, his mythical nemesis whose escapades included:

an all-in wrestling match in a local park with PS (who was winning of course) until 4am when PS' dad (an erstwhile wrestler himself who even possessed a swordstick don't you know) came and chased Fabio away (as Fabio was mortally afraid of him).

Fabio's family trying to buy Nintendo from PS' uncle but not having enough money

Fabio chasing PS down his street with a harpoon gun until PS' mum threw a kitchen knife at Fabio which knocked the harpoon gun out of his hand which she then picked up and proceded to shoot the tyres of Fabio's mum's car out.

Plus many more, I had to spend 9 years of my life with this tedious wanker so now have a pathological hatred of lies and liars. Thanks PS! you cunt
(Thu 13th Jan 2011, 18:19, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Not me
but my mate, whom we shall call Martin, for tis his name...

We all went out drinking after work one night, ended up in Burger King, then back to the pub, and finished up with a kebab. Yes we were fat bastards, but it felt soooo right at the time!

Anyway, all of this wanton bingeing took its toll on Martin's guts the next day at work, he arrived looking a very strange shade of green, think of those trebor softmints and you're on the right lines.

So, he manages to grimace through an hour of team meeting and then leaves the room for about 30 minutes, re-emerges looking slightly greener (probably green tic tac at this stage) and wafts of putrid odour following him into the room. If you have ever heard the song "Chemical Warfare" by Slayer then Martin's arse was singing a fine tribute.

Several people started retching after his post-nuclear rectal fall-out so the boss woman got the short straw to take him home. In her brand new Jag.

Martin, obviously in quite a state, didnt realise he had small flecks of necrotised shite all down the back of his legs, the smell of his carrion based bowel linings must have seeped in to her plush new leather seats as she kept complaining that the aircon stunk for weeks...
(Fri 28th Mar 2008, 19:57, More)
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