» Scary Neighbours

more wierd than scary
and not really my neighbours,mine are great!
my parents however....i went to theirs last week."what the fuck is that?"i said to my dad,pointing at the hearse parked next door."oh thats nothing"he said,and proceeded to tell me about the oddball who owned it.my niece lives close by,and while walking past with her dog,the mutt barked at a cat...mr oddmans cat."if that dog comes near my cat ill kill it,gut it and batter your dad" he says to my niece(17 yr old and timid).
her dad,who is no tough guy but wont stand any nonsence promtly went to address the fellow who,upon hearing the approach of an angry parent,hid in his bedroom and sent his mum to the door to fend off the barrage of abuse.he is about 35-40 years old)
this was quite tame though compared to the time when mr oddman decided to shower in petrol."dont come near or ill set myself alight "he told the police.the police had allready got the firemen in to flush the drains of petrol,and they just asked the firemen to make sure the weird knobber didnt torch himself.so they put the hoses on him.my dad said it was the funniest thing he had seen this year.
hes got a fucking pony tail too.the twat.

if you apologise for length,you are teh ghey!
(Fri 26th Aug 2005, 0:04, More)

» Weird Traditions

village of the freaks
i work in a village where it is tradition for the menfolk to have children with their mothers/sisters.this is the reason why they are all fucking oddities and ugly ungratefull twunts.
you can tell the "outsiders" as they look,act and behave like regular humans rather than the people in " the wicker man"
ethnic cleansing was invented for banjo strumming hillbillys like these.

no apologies for an unfuckingfunny anecdote about the size of reproductive organs.
(Thu 28th Jul 2005, 23:16, More)

» The Credit Crunch

everything i touched last year seemed to turn to shite
my mortgage - northern rock
my main banking -done with RBS
i took volountary redundancy so i could take a job at a booming company with better pay and prospects, and got made redundant 10 months later ( along with around 500 others )

on the plus side, i am getting in some much needed quality time with the kids, my interview technique is becoming more polished*
and i have a fucking giant box of posters blocking my hallway (£3 from woolies,bought by my eldest child) so i can decorate my house in mario,spongebob,wrestling,emo band and three year old chelsea posters. i am glum but surrounded by colourful tat :) joy!!

*polished: was awful,now just poor.
(Thu 22nd Jan 2009, 13:03, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

fat spotty cunt
at school, some people would adress me as this because i was just a little overweight and had teenage acne problems.

i was a cunt though.
(Thu 18th May 2006, 22:42, More)

» Crap meals out

tunisia!
me and the missus went to an all inclusive place in tunisia, for our first proper holiday together about 10 years ago.
the place is great and the people there were very freindly, but they had not the slightest bit of knowledge regarding food hygiene, preparation or storage.
every day, at every meal, were a tray of cold chips.if it was a quarter full at the end of lunch,it would be a quarter full at the start of the evening meal.over a couple of days,we noticed a pattern with the meals...
for lunch one day,we had a beef casserole.that same evening, we had the same reheated casserole with a crust,and re-named "hot pot".this was reheated and served for lunch the following day.that evening,it had its crust removed and some sort of powdered spice added, and was once mor re-named as "goulash".
it was no wonder we all had the squirts,although i had been warned by my doctor,and took plenty of immodium tablets.
the only decent meal over the 10 days was on "tunisian night",when local fare was served...cous cous,brik, fantastic! i think most people were too ill to be adventurous with their food by this time ,though.
while there,we went to tunis for a day out.my missus was starving,as she would not eat in the hotel, and we spied a "pizza hut" in the distance.when we got to it, it was shut! she cried real tears, i pissed myself laughing.( i am a shithouse!)
(Mon 1st May 2006, 23:51, More)