b3ta.com user Jay
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Recent front page messages:

Night duties

(Tue 29th Jul 2003, 13:16, More)

Bom bom bom ayeeaye

(Sun 20th Jul 2003, 17:16, More)

Rapid Response Navy Squirrels

click for bigger
(Mon 3rd Mar 2003, 12:33, More)

Stay frosty people

click for bigger
(Thu 20th Feb 2003, 22:04, More)


(Thu 20th Feb 2003, 18:12, More)

Only good little lemurs
will get one of these this christmas.

(Sat 14th Dec 2002, 3:25, More)

Grandfather Nutkins was sometimes asked to shoot people and was a good shot.

(Thu 7th Nov 2002, 14:10, More)

NOOO! It's only a baby!

(Tue 15th Oct 2002, 1:03, More)

George's wife loved to watch him playing with the kids

(Tue 15th Oct 2002, 0:16, More)

No Luke, I am your Furtive

(Wed 15th May 2002, 16:30, More)

have you seen the little freaks eyebrows?

Hugh Grant teaches a young vulcan about the dangers of plucking.
(Mon 29th Apr 2002, 12:26, More)

Someone just mailed me this:

and I laughed
(Fri 8th Feb 2002, 6:30, More)

Best answers to questions:

» When animals attack...

I used to come home from work most nights and find
my flatmate playing Quake 2 on the PC in my bedroom. As these were generally clan matches I would normally sit on my bed and roll a spliff for us to share until he had finished the match.

I had just assembled my materials on my lap when my spider sense tingled. Seconds later the largest house spider I have ever seen emerged from behind a shoe box. It looked directly at me and smelling my fear, waved its front legs menacingly in my direction.

My friend was not scared of spiders so, albeit feeling rather lady-like, I asked for his assistance. He gave the the response you would expect from a stoned Quake player; he ignored me. I asked again, this time with a more serious note in my voice. In return I got a nod and a mumbled "Just a sec..." *explosion* "Bastard!". He continued to play. The spider took a step (or eight) in my direction. Having recently read Dune I decided to use "the voice" on my friend. "Fucking help me or you'll never play Quake again!" I cried in high-pitched, panic-stricken tones. Something about the gay-ness in my voice made him turn around, eyes wide, and look at the floor.

"Holy-fucking-shit that's massive," he said in an I-might-actually-be-a-bit-more-afraid-of-spiders-than-I-let-on type of voice, "and do you know the worst thing? It's between me and the door."

As he lifted his legs up off the floor, the spider turned to face this new threat/prey. Realising this was possibly our only chance of survival, my paralised body was forced into action by my science fiction-addled brain. Remembering the final scene from Arachnophobia I grabbed my can of deodorant from my bedside, sparked my zippo into life and, ignoring the warnings, sprayed my 24 hour protection from wetness and odour directly onto the naked flame, unleashing hell in the direction of the arachnid menace.

The spider realised its mistake too late. It turned back to face me just as a flaming ball of high performance anti-perspirant deodorant ignited it and the carpet around it. In either a final effort to induce recurring nightmares in me or simply the confused panic of a burning insect it ran screaming* around the carpet with a trail of black smoke billowing behind it until finally it came to a slightly crispy stop near the chair my wide-eyed friend was perched upon.

Triumphantly I placed a glass over it (it was still smoking and I wasn't certain yet that it wasn't just stunned and steeling itself for a counter attack) and called my friend a poof while I casually stamped out a small carpet fire.

*Somebody was screaming, it could well have been the beast.
(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 15:08, More)

» Claims to Fame

I shagged Jasper Carrot's daughter on her parent's jeep bonnet
outside their villa in Menorca.

Thankfully she looks more like her mum. I know this because she came out to tell her daughter that she'd "had enough". Something I feel I was better positioned to judge.
(Thu 24th Feb 2005, 13:48, More)

» My Collection

Some years ago
I worked for Forbidden Planet in London and I was asked to help run a small stall one night. At the Trocadero centre they had a Star Trek themed ride on the "Imaginator" and had invited some serious Trekkies along. We were there to sell them the uniforms and overpriced plastic junk they like so much.

We set up inside and were waiting for them to arrive. I think there were a few press outside, or maybe they just enjoyed doing it, but instead of the jingle of geek-money we were treated to a terrifying, high-pitched rendition of the "ooooh-oooooooohs" from the original tv theme tune. It was performed by a mixture of Star Fleet officers, Klingons and lumpy females. They are odd people.
(Thu 11th Jan 2007, 18:18, More)

» Dad Jokes

Dad Joke
Dad: Three Chinese farmers
Me: What?
Dad: Ho Ho Ho.
Me: What?
Me: Errr?
Dad: HO HO HO!
Me: Ummm...

I worked it out when I was about 10, after about 4 years of it in response to any joke I told.
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 10:32, More)

» Useless Information

The human jaw can withstand the force of
4 adult male chimps hanging from it.

I have not tested this.
(Fri 18th Mar 2005, 9:53, More)
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