b3ta.com user well its not going to suck itself
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Profile for well its not going to suck itself:
Profile Info:

Birthplace: Kent, UK
Lifelong ambition : to fit more than 26 marshmallows into my mouth

Well thats about it really - oh and big thanks to the big electric cat :)

Recent front page messages:

Having never seen a mirror, Horace never *could* work out why all the other Zebras treated him so differently.

(Tue 22nd Apr 2003, 18:53, More)

Best answers to questions:

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

not me but a friend
(as all the best stories start)

Friend of mine was in a club and was looking to err 'heighten his enjoyment'...

Ended up paying 15 quid for some small pink pills - and to all intents and purposes was having a great time.

Obviously being a bit of a mover on the dance floor, he was soon aproached by a lovely lady asking him he if wanted to go off to the toilets and 'give her one'.

Thinking his luck was in, he was promptly led away by this saucy minx and soon got down to business.

Unfortunately, the effects of the little pink items he had recently obtained were now starting to wear off and before he knew it, my friend realised he was in fact standing on the dancefloor still, with his trousers round his ankles masturbating furiously (much to the sheer horror and amazement of onlookers)

It was then that i my friend decided to go home.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 15:44, More)

» Awesome Sickies

My favourite - not really a sicky but a great skive
When i was a travelling sales rep, I used to be sent all over the country to the most god-foesaken places on earth. To Combat this, i devised a somewhat ingenious solution :

I stayed at home.

My boss would regularly phone me while i was 'in my car' to check how i was getting on with the journey. To counter-act this, I recorded a sample of my car engine noise, complete with a couple of indicator clicks and engine revs for good measure on my laptop, which i could start at a moments notice while the phone was ringing.

Excellent. Well, it was - until my doorbell went during one such 'trip'. I told him it was a warning light on the car as the engine kept overheating. Got away with it!

~~~~~a couple of months later~~~~~~~

I was unfortunately forced to work for a whole 2 weeks when i loaned the laptop to my boss to do a presentation so could not perform the trick - oh well - 2 weeks out of 52 aint bad.

A little while afterwards, I was up to my usual tricks (ie slobbing around on b3ta and looking for random monkey porn etc) when i should have been working... The phone goes, so i quickly reach for the shortcut on my desktop to the recorded car sample -

Imagine my horror when i find it has been replaced with one of my boss saying 'you're fired - now f*ck off'.

Moral of the story? never skive off work Never lend your boss your laptop if it has incriminating evidence on it.
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 11:55, More)

» Teenage Parties

Party Pranks
disclaimer
I know all these stories start the same - teenagers getting very drunk and doing silly things, but this is no exception, so i apologise in advance

After a few too many drinks, we decided it would be a great idea to nick a load of roadsigns from the roadworks at the bottom of my mate's street.

Upon returning with our 'booty', we came to the realisation that there was scope for entertainment here... Basically, we positioned the signs at various locations to redirect traffic onto the one way system in such a way that it was impossible to get out of once inside.

I don't think I'll ever forget the headlines in the local rag :

"Local prank leaves nearly 200 cars stranded"
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 11:12, More)

» Teenage Poetry

my poem :)
Its called 'rebellion' and goes a little something like this:

If you think this question of the week
stinks of rancid piss
do us all a favour
and go click "I like this"

I had no idea what it meant when i was a teenager but now seems strangely relevant.
(Thu 11th Aug 2005, 18:58, More)

» Crappy Prizes

the worst thing i ever won
was a competition on b3ta where you had to say what the worst thing you ever won was.

Click 'I like this' to make my dreams come true.
(Tue 9th Aug 2005, 11:08, More)
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