» * PFFT *

Most important farting tip ever!
I can be a little trumpy at times. Had anyone else noticed that the ones that just sort of [sigh] out are the smelliest? But I digress.

Being of a trumpy type, I often used to find myself in meetings at work with a bowel full of gas, and unable to release it. Stomachular noises would ensue as my colon would recycle the gasses back into my intestines and back again (Is that just me? It's a most peculiar sensation). But then: THE ANSWER!

After completing your toilet, but before pulling up the kecks, take four sheets of toilet paper, still connected together. Fold in half, and then half again, so you have a single sheet, four times thickness. Press this between your spread arse cheeks to that the 'Mountain fold' thus formed lies pretty much central, with your nipsy pressed against the paper. Release cheek control, clamping the paper between the cheeks.

REMEMBER TO CONTINUE THE DRESSING PROCESS

You can now trump to your heart's content. The inability of the nipsy to 'speak' means that the gasses escape with nary a peep nor a squeek.

This tip is also useful for lardoes who suffer from sweaty-crack and the associated itching.

I call it 'The Grunt Baffle', and it is patented.

You may now read on.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 14:50, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Naughty Uncular Teachings
No reason behind this, apart from thinking it would be funny at the time. A few years ago, I was semi-baby sitting my niece, while my sister was helping a friend of hers sort out her love life on the phone.

Reading through 'Teletubbies' magazine, or some such, there was a colour puzzle. The little one was unable to read at this point, but could tell you (tentatively) what colour you were pointing at.

Oho, thinks the bad uncle, and promptly goes on to starting to persuade the little one that red was green, green was yellow, yellow was blue, and blue was black. It got quite complicated when we mved away from the magazine, and onto colours of things in the room, but I stuck at it.

By the time the sister was off the phone, me and the little one had been at this for about three-quarters of an hour. My sister thought it was funny until she realised that the little one wasn't joining in on the joke, and *really* thought that the colours had those names... Took about a week to undo.

'Thanks for babysitting... Did you change him?'
'Probably.'
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 17:28, More)

» My Collection

Ahhahahh! One I can join in on...
The things I collect (or 'Hoard') tend to have practical value, rather than 'just because', and others prolly aren't going to find them in the least interesting but here we go...

Retro computing: Acorn Atom, Electron, Beeb B and Master, Archimedes... 3000 I think. Speccy +3, C64. There's a boxed ZX81 (hopefully) squirrelled away in my parents' loft.

I own emulators on the PC for the beeb, the Commie and the speccy (as well as Amiga, The atari 2600, and even the old Vectrex thing that I lusted after when I was about 4). I have a large... No that doesn't do them justice. I have a laaaarge collection of disk/tape images for the beeb, spec and C64. All legal too.

DVDs. Don't get me started on DVDs. I had to catalogue them when they got to being floor-to-ceiling along one wall of my bedroom. The ones I've unboxed and put into folders now number over 800. The remainders (and these are complete sets/series we're talking...) (Bond, Who (old and new), Will and grace, South park, Scrubs, Galactica (old and new), Terrahawks, Prisoner, Queer as Folk, Bab 5, Crusade, Trek Films and Original Series, TNG, DS9, Voyager, Simpsons, Futurama, Dune, LoTR, Blakes 7, Buck Rogers) number around another 200-300 and are still on the mantelpiece.

I've got pretty much every Dr. Who VHS ever released, and I have my own turned aluminium sonic screwdriver and cast TARDIS key. I also have every X-Files on VHS.

I go through sessions of downloading vast swathes of MIDI music off the internet. It helps my local Am-Dram group when their pianist has no idea what tune the elderly director lady is warbling, as it's normally from the 20s.

I have been in the same job for eight years, and have yet to delete an email.

Wire. I never discard cable, and now posess four large moving boxes of audio, computer and 'other' cable. To be fair, I normally have to go ferreting through them for something about every month or so.

Clocks. I have a 'thing' about knowing what the time is, and I get disturbed if there isn't a clock around. I can see three from where I'm sitting, and that's without calling up the task bar on the computer, or looking at the video.

This is getting a bit freaky now...

Hats. Mostly Ski hats, about 15, but I do have a fibreglass firemen's helmet from a London brigade in the 1980s. I'm not even sure how I got that...

But my major collection? Porn. Listing WMVs in my download directories bigger than 20MB gets me 845 files. File size: 140GB. And I' *know* there's at least 10 Gb in AVIs and probably the same again in MPGs. That's a lot of naked bottoms. A lot a lot.

For interest I checked the files between 2MB and 20Mb. 613 of them, amounting to another 5GB, but they have a higher percentage of 'Stuff I downloaded' rather than 'Naked People'

And having just watched the Windows search go by for the past 15 minutes, I also apparently collect defunct Windows installs. 6 of 'em.

I think I've embarassed myself enough for one evening...

Length? Ah, hell with it. 7", cut.
(Thu 11th Jan 2007, 22:33, More)

» Family codes and rituals

Cutting Cake
Me and my sister used to do the 'One cuts, the other chooses' thing with cake and choccy bars and things.

The trick is to do the cutting out of sight, and take a chunk out of the middle and stuff it down *before* going back to the dining room with the two, equal, remaining slices.

I only got caught out because my I left the wrapper on a Mars bar once when I cut it, and my Sister noticed that it now only said 'Mrs' when it was put back together.

I was a mean child.

Something I can't get out of even now is a little ritual when it comes to eating boiled eggs. The *instant* the egg is finished, the spoon has to be put through the bottom of the shell to 'Stop the witches using them as cauldrons and flying about in them'

It's automatic.
(Fri 21st Nov 2008, 10:26, More)

» Terrible food

University... Short of money... (More likely drunk)... Yada yada....
... And I fancied some italian. Lasagne. Haven't had lasagne in aaaages....

Lasagne Ingredients:
Beef.
Tomato.
Spices.
Pasta.
Cheese sauce (Which I've since been told 'Should be Bechamel', but I prefer it cheesier than that)
Flatness rather than squiggliness or tubeness. (Shape of the pasta. Come on, keep up.)

None of these items were present in the cupboard, so I improvised.

- Take one king pot noodle, beef and tomato flavour. Remove lid, add boiling water to just under the line. Stir and leave to stand.
- Tip old washing up water out of small casserole dish. Rinse and dry.
- Unwrap 8 Tescos Value cheese-style food-product slices
- Place a layer of now-goopy pot noodle in base of casserole
- layer 4 cheese-food-prdouct slices over the sauce
- repeat last two steps with the remainder of the pot noodle and slices.
- Microwave for 1 minute on full power, or until cheese-food-product slices start to bubble. Or get a skin tougher than plastic.
- Serve in the dish, on a TV magazine on your lap, with a slice of bread with the mouldy crusts cut off.

It's got beef. Ish. Certainly tomato-esque with spices. Well, salt, anyway. There's cheese, pasta and flatness in there. All the elements of a good lasagne, without actually being good. Or lasagne.

Looking back, I can't see how I managed to come back from Uni the size I did. I should have been in a permanent state of malnourishment, or possibly the poster child for amoebic dysentry.

To be fair, I also invented the wonder that is fish-finger and blackcurrant jam sandwiches. It's surprisingly nice.

[nob gag]
(Fri 18th May 2007, 8:44, More)