They made me do it....

More Fire Things | Cheers ChaosTime for the BW
(Tue 5th Aug 2003, 4:41, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

Plain Potato, no skin, no butter, no salt, nothing but pure potato.... from a hospital trolly.
Those who know me on here know that I have something called Crones Desease. I won't get into the blah-blah about it, but growing up they had a treatment called "CT3211", it was something expermental by Nestlé designed for astronaughts. It's a formular containing everything you need to stay alive nutritionally... and nothing else. Space wise, I presume they're allowed to put some sort of flavouring in it, but crones wise, it was the extreme bare minimum as to what you need. The idea is that it'll do a total detox of your body, that there is nothing inside you that isn't accounted for, even chewing gum was out. This forumular, medically sterial water (tastes matalic, it's not just boiled water), and.... that's it. Third time around I was allowed Crusha milkshake syrup with the forumlar, which I'll get onto later on.

The formula was horrific tasting, it had the consistency of a McDonalds milkshake, ever so slightly lumpy. The smell was that of Off Milk, and there mear smell of off-milk now brings me both a bad nostalgia and nausea. Taste wise, without the crusha milkshake, it's still Off Milkish, I think Cardboard would be the most similar thing I can think of at the moment, but it was worst than that. Out of my friends and family who tried a taste of it, hardly any could swallow without reflex gags. I had to have two litres of the stuff, and nothing else. I wasn't even allowed to brush my teeth, but once a week I would need a singular crisp or bite of a mars bar.... and that was bliss.

Dad wrote to Crusha to explain my situation on the third time, as I was gracefully allowed to add the sweet syrup. I'll be honest, it helped, but it was still terrible. In return one morning I woke up to find about 10 boxes in the kitchen with my name on; very exciting to a kid. I opened them up to find bottle upon bottle of Crusha, chocolate, banana (the best one), strawberry.... passion fruit, blueberry, rasberry, toffee, and many many more that never made it to manufacturing (I can't remember the others, but I remember there were 12 flavours in total).

After two months of this, my body is finally rebooted, for lack of a better word, and after the results of a Colonoscopy, I was allowed to be reintroduced back onto food, one thing at a time for months on end. The idea is that for the first week, I was allowed the insides of a potato, second week was marmite, and so on until I'm eating normally (took about a year). They start off with thing people are statisticly the less amount of people are alergic too, and if I come across something that sets me off, go back two weeks and see if it really is that food that is setting me off.

I remember coming around from the colonscopy on the ward at the Royal Free, and the doctor being there saying my inflamation has reduced to an acceptable level and I'm ready for the next stage. I was so excited. The first thing up is the insides of a potato, I was allowed half a potato from the trolly. I'm sure it was one of those things where the potato has been on the trolly one day, uneaten, then put back into heater the next day like stock on a shelf that gets pushed to the front as the sale-by-date goes forward. It was a taste explosion, pure pleasure, the first real solid thing I had swallowed in two months, the slightly chewy texture was amazing. It was pure unadolterated pleasure, like being underwater for a whole minute or two and then coming up for a breath. Michaline stars, my favorite meal Ma' can make, any resturant on the planet... nothing can compare to this half a potato (no skin, no butter, no salt, no nothing)...

.... and the next week I got try Marmite, marmite on potato or marmite in hot water (medically sterial water still), with a little less forumlar than before. And it was just as amazing. Week on week of new textures, flavours, smells... experiances. And with each one, bought less of that dreeded forumlar.
(Sat 28th May 2011, 12:42, More)

» Call Centres

The Toilet Paper Saga
At work (a cab-office, call centre essenchaly), they are always running out of bog roll. Often I would go there and they'ld be none, which is no good for me as I have chrones and as such can hold it in for a minuite or two max.

Three weeks in a row, I had to get a friend from home (I live around the corner) to come up with a packet. Not being out-of-order, I always leave whatever I bring there. I eventually worked out that his comes up to an hour's wages, so I put on a 'docket'* with the recipt, where I get a note saying "Who asked you to buy toilet paper? I did not say you can buy toilet paper". I thought this was a bit tight and out of order, so I came up with The Toilet Paper Fund...



I came back the following weekend, and there was a hand full of 2ps and 1ps. Apparently, the staff have been using my toilet paper fund to buy coffee and chocolate out of the vending machine, so I wrote another letter....



People still don't take my plight seriously, but at least everyone had a good laugh. I've taken to taking toilet paper home with me when it's there, they owe me 8 more rolls and then we're quits. I also now have a hidden spot in the office where I keep my toilet paper.


* A little bit of paper for when the cabs do an 'account' job, rather than cash, so they get paid
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 14:15, More)

» Overcoming adversity

Not entirely sure where the comedy is in this QOTW, but fuck it.
=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=- "OH WOE IS ME, ALAS POOR ME, I KNEW HIM WELL blah blah" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

As some of you know, I have crohns, which I'm not entirely sure I know 100% about, 'cus I don't look it up. I just know that it means that for a few hours a day I have to be near a lav. Quite a lot of the time, a few times a day, I'm chained for a few hours. Not gonna get grim, but its the 'urge' thats bad, you know that over whelming unignorable urge that something is gonna happen, weather thats actually gonna happen or not, I just donno, so can't risk it. For the record though, only once did I have to shit in a pringles tube on the train, and that was for a dare. I swapped it for a copy of The Big Issue, so I could wipe up. No wonder the big issue lot are shit at buisness, that magazine cost £3 and tesco do 2 tubes of pringles for £2.50; even if it wasn't filled with shit it would have been a bad deal.

I've gone from solphadeen to codine to morphine to morphine'n'methadone as a painkiller, via the means of all sorts of others, the thing is not all painkillers work on me... slow release morphine did fuck all 'cus my guts have been cut up so many times. Infact, the doc changed her policy or whatever when she realised. "House" ain't got shit on me when it comes to scoring this stuff back in the day.

Not a week goes by when I don't see at least one doctor. Plus so many people have opinions on what I should do, and what I should eat, because they have a mate who once had IBD. Which is quite insulting 'cus it implies that I would be cured if I "did it right", where as I've had countless advice from actual medical profesionals, and people forget that I've still got to live, and I don't want to live a life without indulgancies. I don't drink and I love food.

And then there is other shit thats not been right, lived in shitholes, had head-wobbbles that put me in the loony bin, dead dad, lost touch with most of my mates 'cus of me not liking cocaine.

=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=- "But you know me, i can't complain" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Knowing I'll never be able to hold down a normal job, I trained myself up as a web developer when I left school after minimal GCSESs 'cus of illness. Site after site, system after system, I've been able to work out every system I've come across in any language I've come across. I donno, I just have a knack for them or something. So with this, I've pretty much always got good-paying work, I'm constantly being approached by people to do jobs for them. This is with the fact that a lot of the time I have to work from home as well as in the office. Oh, and I do the whole thing with actaul real life dyslexia; you know, the kind that got you classed as being one of the thick kids.

I find myself whistling randomly 'cus I'm mostly happy. In a world with dogs in, nothing can be too bad, I truly believe that. Lots of stuff sucks, but the world doesn't, the world rocks, with christmas lights and tall buildings and mulled wine and .... insert autisticly long list of everything that I love in the world, but its mostly dog related.

And to all those OhWoeIsMe'ers out there, I reckon there are gonna be a few, there is always a good movie out soon (Man Of Still, X-Men: The Prequal : The Sequal, Wolverine 2, Avengers 2, pascific rim... to name a few), so if you're gonna do anything stupid, you'll miss them out, so you might as well wait 'till they come out, 'cus I'd be gutted if I missed them. Plus all the going-ons in Hollyoaks.

You know the trick to life? PMA. Possitive Mental Attitude. The world never sucks, just your perception of it. Lyinthord Christy was bang on

That's all, thank you for reading.
(Sat 15th Dec 2012, 10:00, More)

» Sexual fetishes

Traffic Wardons.
I fucking love traffic wardon roleplay. I put on my traffic wardon costume (I'm not a really one, I got one from here), and get my partner to park just inside some double yellow lines. I get my Psion, little notebook and casio digital camera. I take some photos of him parking in the lines. I make sure I get the right messurements and put them into the PDA.

I then go for a walk for a little bit, about half an hour plus ten minuites grace, and I come back and start writtin a ticket. My partner, in the mean time, comes back from the pub and sees me writting this down. He then comes at me, all manly and butch, shouting "You can't give me a ticket !", "Sorry sir, you're in the double yellows, and I've already started writting it down", "Please man, I need this car, and I can't afford to pay the fine". We then have a heated debate as to my self worth, he calls me a jobsworth cunt and all that, and I act calm and rationaly. It ends with me giving him a ticket.

Then within 28 days, I go around to his house, he could be doing anything at the time, and I tell him "You've got to pay the fine". I then get another friend to play the part of a juniour court clerk so we can play a bit of role-play contesting the fine.

I won't get into all the sex part of thing on here, don't want people to think i'm weird, but it doesn't take much imagination to see where it can fit in. Loads of opertunity to have sex in that 28 days.
(Fri 23rd Oct 2009, 14:23, More)

» Tales of the Unexplained

True story.
My dad nearly died about 10 years ago, of a heart attack. As he was laying in the bed on his way out, he yells "Fuck off", and the nurse was confused. He saw his own dad, who he hated, telling my dad to come with him.
(Tue 8th Jul 2008, 17:33, More)